A
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age
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*ustquestions
writes:I'm wondering what I should do here. I am middle aged man who has been divorced for around 1.5 years after a long term marriage. I still care about my ex-wife though who basically decided she wanted to move to Florida and not be married any longer after the kids were grown. (It is a long story and not relevant here) I'm the parent the children are choosing to stay in closer contact with though as their mother is basically doing her own thing now and doesn't even always respond to their phone calls. She's working, living with a boyfriend who I just learned has been charged with theft and fired from his job. She is now paying attorney fees etc. for him. I met a woman about 6 months ago who is nearly 18 years younger than me and has a 13 year old son. She is divorced and had a terrible marriage and was abused as both a child and through her marriage. Her ex-husband manipulated her in ways that resulted in a criminal record although no felony charges. This record has basically ruined her plans for the future. She has back pain from he abuse from her parents as a child and requires some pain medication. She became addicted to the medication compounding her problems. She is a very caring person though and is devoted to her son though and has done much to be able to keep him.When I met her, she was basically at the end of her rope. Social services would have soon taken her son and she really didn't have funds to stay out of jail. I stabilized the situation and have basically been supporting her. She and a couple other family members took advantage of me to some extent though and I went through more money on her than I wanted (although it's not more than I could afford in the longer run.) Half her family seems to be in jail or has been in jail in the past. They are just an unbelievable mess. She has started going to addiction treatment (addicted to pain medication) though and has decided to go away to a clinic for the next 3 weeks somewhere for addiction treatment. I like her and I see a 13 year old son who is still salvageable. He has no male role models in his life who are good examples. I feel if I do nothing, he may end up with a criminal record too in another 10 years. Besides his mother's criminal background, I've also learned through these past six months that she's bi-polar and may have some other issues going on because of all the physical and sexual abuse she's endured in her life. When she takes her medication, she's sweet and fine. When she doesn't take her medications, she goes through manic periods that are just unstable.I feel very sorry for her and care for her and want her to succeed. I think she can become financially stable in the long run, but will have a long way to go. She has a job offer waiting for her at a fast food place when she gets out of treatment and she is moving from the low income housing where she has been which attracts a lot of crime to a small house she will rent with her son. This should be a lot more peaceful for her. I know in the long run the differences between us are too large even though, yes, there is a physical attraction to her as well. I have promised her some level of support during the next year and even went to an attorney to put that level in writing to her so that she could show proof of some level of income to social services and others. It is not enough for her to live on though, but with her fast food job and hopefully food stamps she should be able to afford her day to day expenses. There are still attorney fees she will have to pay in the future as well as just needing advice and a father figure for her son.Anyway, all I have promised her is the monthly sum of money for the next year and to be in essence "big brother" to her son. She wants this very much. She says she has never known a male figure outside of her long deceased father who was so helpful and kind to her. The dilemma is that I know she needs more financial help even with the fast food job plus some basic guidance. I could very easily end up with a family on the side and someone who maybe could be called a mistress even though both of us are divorced. I can't ever see marrying her with all her issues and I don't think it's a good move for her to move in with me either. I'm a little old fashioned and I don't think it would be right. I've told her that I would still like to date other women and that she could date too. I know she wants more involvement on my part though and "she loves me" she says. Should I provide more support to her and in essence have a second family on the side being the father figure to her son and becoming a surrogate husband for his mother or would that be just wrong?Long question isn't it?
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male
reader, justquestions +, writes (6 June 2014):
justquestions is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. There were some good responses. I like the idea of getting Big Brothers (the organization) involved. They live in a small town though and I'm not really sure there's a chapter there. I'm also trying to get someone from her large family involved. There are many brothers and sisters, but it is not a very close knit family. One sister is starting to show some interest though by giving her some money to go to drug rehab. Part of the reason for not getting involved more is probably financial but part may be that they all have their own problems to worry about and are just not closer knit like I understand families to be. The woman is literally taking care of her dying mother and no one helps her. In fact, they get angry with her if she tries to care for herself a little. I've decided I'll probably never understand their dynamics. It's just too different from what I'm used to.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2014):
 I would not muddy the water with a sexual relationship. What you are doing for her is pretty great. And as long as YOU and YOURS don't suffer for it, I think it's rather admirable to help her out. I would make SURE she understand it's a 12 months "deal" so to speak.
And I would look into some REAL local Big Brother organizations and spend that year finding her son an additional male role model.
I would be a very weary about having a closer relationship with her then as a friend.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 June 2014):
I agree with the other two answers, but with the type of person she is, it's a slippery slope to being taken advantage of, so be careful.
Also, it's not your job to be responsible for her, so if you really don't want to then don't.
If she tries to use her then it's time to stop messing with her.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (6 June 2014):
 Blimey how many women would love you as a friend/
Its entirely you call what you do or do not do for her. Her son is the one who needs guidance and a role model though, his mum is an adult who made choices.
I would do only what is basically needed, get her to take responsibility for herself, an income from you, for a year, is enough to get her on her feet and generous too.
Don't let loneliness and a caring instinct blind you to other women who could be life partners and love you as the wonderful man you are.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 June 2014):
 It's your money and your moral/ethical choice. Who is to say one or the other is wrong? Wouldn't that be up to you and anyone you are intimately involved with?
I'm not sure exactly what you mean when you say "a little old-fashioned"... Does that mean you won't have a mistress? Back in the old days I'm pretty sure there were mistresses. It does sound like that's what you're proposing.
I guess my take on this would be if all the parties involved, including your other woman and this mistress, were happy with the arrangement then who's to say it's wrong?
Of course there is always the option of just making sure the boy is financially taken care of,
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (6 June 2014):
 It's nice that you want to help her and her son out but at the same time I feel like you are walking into a huge mess that you will have a hard time walking out. Being a good role modal to her son is a nice thought but unless you are serious about her then it might do more damage then good to have you in his life. What if things don't work out and you never see her again. What effect will that have on her son if he gets attached to you?You say you want to date other people but she's admitted to you that she loves you. Usually that means that she's attached to you and seeing you with another women will most likely hurt her. I also doubt then any women that wants to become serious about you will not tolerate her in your life. You will be losing a lot of women that could have made YOU happy because of your involvement in her life. You already know that you cannot see yourself marrying her so I really think that it would be healthier to let her go. There is also a high chance that she is just using you. Regardless I would focus on your happiness and health. Make a choice that will be best for you.
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