A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi.. im coming here again for advice.. i get new perspective of what happened in my life. Im married for almost a year and being pregnant right now. My relationship with husband is bad and we kinda lose connection and bonds we used to have. We barely have meal together. Never had breakfast lunch or dinner together except there is event that need us to be in the same place. I feel so lonely in this relationship and i know he did feel the same. We just cant agree on anything together and he is short tempered and judgemental to me. Being preganant is my dream and its very sad that he doesnt show he cared about me and the baby. He used to be very excited and interested in the idea of having child with me when we dated before. But now im pregnant he isnt there for me. Even seems not caring and not involved at all. The only contribution he give is taking me to obygn appointment and pay for it. Its very clear that he makes excuses to avoid spending time with me. He sees me as a trouble maker that always nag and find ways to argue with him. He will prefer me to spend time with my family and friends. A little bit background about us:-we live on his parent house as he is financilly unstable and because of cultural things his parent demand us to live together. -my relationship with his family isnt smooth as his mom and sister is evil that keep speak ill about me to others especially my husband. -his mom loves to make us against each other. She said negative things about my husband to me and the other way round to him. It more or less influence how my husband treat me now. -my husband has lying tendency and i must admit he is not very honest man. He has avoidant style to deal with problems and lies. I think its because how he was raised. He used to protect himself fron being nag by his parent and avoid trouble. -he used to be very proud of me as his girlfriend partly because his father likes me alot. He will brings me to evry event he attend and show me to the world proudly. Speak highly about me. Now my relationship with his family is not going well it changes him and he took me for granted. I think i dont bring any pride for him anymore. He said im annoying. -i feel deep inside he is a very lonely and longing for loves. He likes to be pampered and agree on. -he works at night and when he go out from home i dont know who he is really with or where he is if he want to lie. Since we lose connection im afraid he will find other woman and cheat on me. We barely have sex now and he said its because im pregnant. He never has any intention to be intimate with me anymore. He is very good at mking excuses. Ive discuss my feeling to him and he seems powerless to make a change. He has no money to give us a living as his newly started business doesnt went well. He has high ambition since we dated and thats what make me attracted to him. Only that the way he excecute the job isnt very good i think. He has big drive to succeed so he can give me life i want and he can be independent and not being controlled by his fanily anymore. Now i become unsure about will he going to be succeed if he keep doing the same wrong things. He is also not very open about what happen to him with me. He used to be in good financial state when we date and since he started his business just before we marry he changed. He is depressed and his personality changed alot. He is short tempered and i feel taken for granted. He would raise his voice and yell at me whenever we argue just to make me shut up. I think the reason why he changes is The pressure from his job and his family. Im not a saint and i do make mistake. I feel i dont do enough for him as a wife. He asked me to went home everymorning and going back at night to avoid conflict and to feel more comfortable at my own house. We meet at night only when we re goiñg to sleep. His family dislike this idea and thinks im irresponsible. But if im at his home his mom will have her way to make me feel uneasy. She doesnt care about my feeling when she said my dad is bald! Whats wrong with bald dad? I hate her! She knows i wont argue or defend back so she did what she wants. Ive told my brother about this and he thinks why my husband treated me like this is because i dont bring any advantage to him and he saw me as only as a childbearer. And he definitely being influenced by his family. Still he thinks he is a good guy being put under so much pressure.Ive also told my parent about this and my father opinion is move out kindly as soon as we renovated the house my father given to me and find some business to do there for a living. My father says he understand what my husband going thru and ask me to be more patience to him as he is very depressed right now and not put more pressure to him. I asked him again if it will become a habit how he treat me if i let loose my father says no. It will change when things went right and he isnt under pressure or depressed anymore. Ive thinking about making ultimatum for him that im moving out but then im not sure he will follow me as his family would influence him to just leave me. He isnt man enough to stand for me or maybe because he cant afford to give us a living. Whats your opinion after reading this? Please just be frank.. thank you..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2018): I was one of the posters who took the time to try and help you with your other two questions on here and this question has very little more to add.
I suggest you read back on previous replies because my opinion has not changed and i have nothing else to add.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2018): You are married and pregnant. This gives you some status.But you are technically homeless!Never really having a place of your own!Except that your wonderful dad has given you a new home.This sounds like an all round success story.But the hero and heroine arent happy!Well its early days!The baby isnt born yet and the house isnt ready.Hubby loves wife but he feels that he is sinking in deeper and deeper into unchartered territory.Let baby get here first before you worry about your husband.He isnt cheating.He is worrying.He thinks he is not good enough.And he wants to be rich.So find time to walk and talk with hubby.Before the baby is born and after the baby is born.Get your hubby to talk to your dad about money now, before it becomes difficult.Talk about moving into your own home and do not allow his mother to live with you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2018): I think your father is a very wise man. He is very correct about you, and your husband. He has wisdom, experience, and foresight. He realizes your husband is overwhelmed with a great deal of responsibility; but he also has a lousy personality. Your mistake was failing to see that; and only visualizing life with him based on his financial-success. You didn't take his family or the serious flaws in his personality and character into account. You should have gotten a clue during your courtship.
Don't try to convince us he did a complete 180 degree turn when you married him. I know better than that. You both married too young, and knew nothing about each other. A jerk can't hide being a jerk; there's always a slip. You ignored red-flags and placed your sights on marriage, babies, and success. Dismissing his nasty mother's absolute disdain for you; and the deranged relationship between mother and son.
You rushed to marry to please your parents and tradition. He asked, and you agreed. In spite of his ways. You just submitted without a second-thought.
Your father is very perceptive of the fact that your husband is depressed and stressed; which explains quite a lot. There is one central-element that is causing all this trouble. Your mother-in-law! She is a toxic and nasty woman. She has a deep-seated element of wickedness that makes her take pleasure in causing discord. She's full of the devil and venom; and passed some on to her son.
Continue going home to live with your family daily as your husband recommends. There is comfort and calm there. You are away from your witch of a mother-in-law, until your husband comes home. Your state of mind is important during your pregnancy. Stay where you find peace and love. You can't handle stress right-now.
Your husband feels like a failure. He hates being in his parents' house; and doesn't come home, because he is avoiding everybody. I don't think he's cheating. He's probably out drinking and smoking his cares away. Even if he is cheating or with other women; that won't change his situation, or make his life any better. It will complicate it even more than it is already.
Cheating always comes back to bite the cheater in the ass! He'll run into a trouble-maker who wants a man she can keep. He thinks he's got troubles now?!! There's always that woman who doesn't like being played or used. Pick me or your wife!
Your mother-in-law puts a lot of things in his head. I don't think your husband was quite ready for fatherhood. It happened sooner than he wanted it to. Especially if his business is struggling. I think he's too overwhelmed to concentrate on his business. Knowing something about Asian culture; he was probably pressured into getting married and producing children by his parents.
Your pregnancy hormones and other aspects of your personality may be somewhat testy or annoying. I know you have your ways also. We all do. Nobody's perfect.
You write very long complaints about your situation. I find this indicative of a nature to always feel victimized; and that often means the OP is too timid to standup for themselves. They just need a place to vent. You come here for advice; but I don't think you have the nerve or courage to face-up to your mother-in-law.
I also suspect that talking to your husband always becomes a fight. You probably don't know how to express yourself without becoming angry and emotional. Your lack of experience in handling relationship-problems, or being tactful with your adversaries; is crippling your marriage. So I guess all we can offer is comfort and support. I don't think you stand-up for yourself too well. When he sees courage in you; he hurriedly screams it out of you. He prefers you timid and submissive. You are limited in how you behave when you are a guest in someone's home; so that ties your hands also.
Listen to your father's advice. Stick around your own parents and family. They will take care of you. Move into the house your father gave you as soon as possible. Once you both have your own home; at least the evil dragon-lady will be out of your way. You will be busy with a new baby, and taking care of your own home. I also think you should do as your father says, and start your own business; or get a job eventually. You may find yourself a single-mother at some point; if your husband doesn't come around.
Come to us as often as you please. I am more than happy to offer you whatever advice I can. I hope I also bring you comfort. You are stronger than you realize.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 June 2018):
 I remember all off your other posts. You never seem to take the advice offered and now things are not improving they are only getting worse. I think if you give him an ultimatum he may very well leave you. But you cannot force him to stay with you. You can also not blame his mother for everything because he is an adult and if he loved you the way he should then he would stick by you, not treat you like this. You need to ask yourself is this the future that you want, because it will only get worse.
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