A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI have been seeing a guy for 18 months now. He lives a 2 1/2hr drive away and I don't drive, so mostly I get the train to be with him.(he doesn't like it at mine as he says we live differently to each other and he prefers to be in his own home)we go away a lot too and have lovely weekends together. We only get to be together every other weekend, but are together for 48hrs solid, so it's a bit like binge dating.( we have spent 2 xmas holidays together for 8 days solid each time) and had some midweek evenings together) we broke up for a few weeks in the Autumn due to the fact that I felt he had become complacent towards me. He cried down the phone begging to talk and told me he was sorry and that he felt it hard to show emotion but he didnt want to be without me as he loved me so much) but I was angry with his previous disregarding attitude toward me so I refused to talk to him, but when I did come around he ignored me and was insulted that I had treated him like that,I could not sleep eat and cried for a whole week non stop, I felt so ill) however we did talk and realised we loved each other too deeply to be apart.The problems are:He doesn't always like being around me when I am with my child, he sees his chilren every other weekend and says mine is spoilt and immature, he is only aged 7 I do take my my son to his house when his children are there sometimes and they get along ok. He has never brought his children to my house, but then they only stay at his for one night every other weekend.says we will never live togetheraccuses me of being anorexic (I am a uk size 6 whereas he is used to being with women size 16+)I say I was this size when we met but he says I was bigger, I asked why he was with me if he prefered me to be a larger lady, he said because he loves who I am but would 'fancy me' 10 times more if I were to put weight on)I spend most nights in tears because the relationship is 'not going anywhere'we talk for about an hour every evening a few phone calls per night and chat on msn. but I can't bear to feel the pain I felt when we were apart again. I love him but I don't like his behaviour at times.My heart is aching but I feel that I cannot talk to him or he will tell me to 'walk away' how can he say he loves me so much and treat me like that? All I want is respect, I have the commitment, I trust him not to go off with another woman and he trusts me.I would like to move closer to see him more, but then my son would be too far away from his dad.After one lovely weekend together, he said if I wasn't a mum then he would ask me to marry him as he loved me and enjoyed being with me so much? I didn't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult?I should walk away but it is easier said than done. I feel so much love for him and I dont know why.I wish he would go out of his way to come and see me when it is not 'our weekend', he used to when we first got together.I feel he calls all the shots.I think he has feelings for his ex gf who was his secretary for 5 years, they did everything together, worked together, and were together every night they lived apart but he still spent time with her and her son. That hurts, that he spent so much time with someone and I only get to see him every other weekend. he was so cut up after his ex dumped him that he was suicidal, he now says he feels as much hate for her as he feels love for me and I am a better person.I don't like it that he has feelings for someone else even if they are feelings of 'hate'
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anorexic, broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex, immature, msn Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdating..........
I had a day off work today.
I didnt sleep much last night. I kept waking up in a sweat and bursting into tears. I dont know why I am being treated so badly I dont know what I did to deserve it apart from as he says 'dumped him and ignored his cries 4 months ago!' He is in touch with so many women on facebook and myspace and he says there is nothing wrong with it and that I am jealous for pointing it out. If I add a male friend to mine, he makes a big fuss about it. I trust him, but he doesnt trust 'men' with me?
I felt so ill when I had to get up to take my son to school after a long night like that. my head really hurts and I feel so sick. I want to end it with him but I cant, the thought of being without him makes me feel even more ill but I cant stop crying. I was dreaming about his family and my estranged family and kept waking up in a sweat (I am estranged from mine due to my dad intefering with me as a child and I told the family but they believed him over me and want nothing to do with me) I feel so alone. I want to shout and scream at my partner for treating me so badly. I WANT - to muster up some self respect and tell him where to go and get on with my life. There would be no chance of bumping into him but a friend of mine (how we met) would know his every move as he lives for her boyfriends rockband (that woman who messaged him, she also has a rockstar boyfriend whom he follows - really he is an ageing rocker and wants to grow up a bit and be more responsible for the way he treats me if he wants me to love him)
This morning my partner text 'morning - I love you xxx' I just text back hello.
He expects me to sit in every night and does not like me going out. but, tonight, I am going to get a babysitter and go out for a few hours. Why should I have to be accountable for my every move?
I need to muster up some strength or I am going to get ill and my son needs me.
I have wasted so many tears on him, he doesnt deserve them.
A friend of mine just came round for coffee, she says we have been here before and I must be mad to stay in the relationship.
This is turning into a little woe is me diary lol
Thanks for listening x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdating.......
I have spent the whole day in tears and my head is banging, he would have got home 4 hours ago and usually lets me know he is home safely but nothing - I e-mailed him telling him how I felt and it breaks my heart when he looks at me so coldy but how much I loved him and was so sorry for hurting him by ending the relationship a few months ago but that he had to get past it as we had been through it all before.
My son went out to play with his friends which is a good thing with my state of mind poor boy. (I'm going to put a movie on in a minute and watch it with him)
I just phoned my partner as he had left something behind and asked if I should post it on to him, he said no as it would cost too much. I said I'd just phoned to see what to do with his things and goodbye, he said I love you, I said ok bye bye - he said is that it then? I asked what he meant, he said am I not going to tell him I love him anymore????????? I said I had told him in the e-mail and had he read it, he said he had.I said, I love you goodbye )he said I said he said lol)
I'm supposed to be going to his house after work on Friday, I just hope we can sort this out.
Off to watch a movie now .............
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate........My partner came to mine with his lovey children - it was a pleasure to have them here. We did all have a nice time, a day out walking,nice food and wine etc...but - he brought his laptop and was on it a lot of the time, thats ok, me and the kids were watching movies, but when he left the room for a while, someone was messaging him, I know he has female friends Im not bothered I know of this particular person, but the message alert was at the bottom of the screen and he just ignored it. I asked him something about her this morning - I do trust him thats not it, but I just asked why he did not want to say he was at mine and would catch up soon as I would have done. He got cold and nasty and said he did not like to be interrogated and that he had left his wife for doing such that, I said I should be able to express my feelings I got tearful, he was ready to leave so I asked him to go upstairs with me for a chat, he was so cold and hurtful. I asked him where was the person from a few months ago who begged me to talk to him and declared undying love etc he said that person has gone and that he was allowed to speak to whomever he liked. I said I dont want you to go with this hanging over our heads, the time I broke up with him was mentioned again,I said the reasons for finishing with him were that he treated me badly. he said yes I know that but when I was crying down the phone and e-mailed you and tried to talk to you, you didnt want to know! I said I only wanted some time, he said this woman was there for him when I did that to him and he was not going to delete all his friends,(she is also in a long distance relationship and he feels sorry for her the way her boyfriend disregards her??ha ha!) I didnt ask that of him! I said I would just like him to regard me and not treat me badly. everytime I try to speak to him he more of less threatens to end it saying he left his wife for speaking to him like that. here I am again crying over him. I just saw a reply to someones post and it rang bells with me in my situation...I should think of his imperfections and not put him on a pedastool.I said dont be distant with me , he said 'dont do this and dont do that in a mocking way. the coldness in his eyes broke my heart. I asked if he still felt the love for me a few months ago when I ended it. he said yes, what do you want me to say NO? I said just the truth. he said just 'be nice to me' and we will be ok huh! I hate this ache in my heart it stings my eyes. I cannot tell him how I feel for fear of him 'ending' it.I feel ugly as he said I have an eating disorder and I look ill.All I want is for him to show me he loves me, he said why should he 'show' it, why cant I accept that he 'loves' me. huh?Well, Im going to have a nice day with my son and stop crying now. I wish I could control my thoughts.Sorry - that was a lot of waffling for a sunday morning lolThanks for listening if there is anybody still awake after reading that lot lol xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBreaking news.............
My partner has just telphoned to ask if he can bring his children to mine for 2 nights at the weekend! That's a first! I'm so excited and looking forward to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again GinaI should bite the bullet - I did just that a few months before we split,and he said nobody is putting a gun to your head to stay with me, if I am not making you happy you should walk away. (when I did walk away it literally ended in both our tears)It is my weekend with my son so I won't be seeing him for another 10 days, but, I am going to collect all my thoughts and ask him to hear me out and not get defensive and push me away,(I am going to insist he comes to my house) if he feels the way he says he does, then he should want to make me happy not miserable.I am glad I put this on here now, I feel much better about things.xthanksx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Gina and thank you for your helpful response to my dilema.some of our weekends are spent in hotels (he pays) he picks me up and drops me off on his way home. I suppose thats his contribition to the travelling.I do find his ideas toward my way of life insulting and he can be quite patronising. I want him to make me feel good about myself as I do to him, if I dont like his way, I keep quiet.The thing is though, he has pictures of me all over his house (that makes me feel good) in his wallet, has had a calendar made of me and has pics of me in his office and on the office wall.When we go out, he sends me love letters afteward telling me how proud to be seen with me he is. (taking the good with the bad here but why cant it all be good)I have no family,my life is just my son, work, and my long distance love. I adore his family and they have welcomed me, I have spent some weekends with him and his lovely family, his parents, siblings nieces and nephews, it's like one big family in a big house, I like being a part of that.When we first met he seemed in awe of me, said I had so much confidence in myself and was proud of my achievements.Now, he says I have no confidence in myself (he wonders why, I think maybe he has taken it all away from me, maybe not intentionally but even so)My son is ok with things, he gets to be with me during the week and has me to himself.I wonder, if life should be so 'conditioned' in the fact that a relationship has to end with the couple living together or getting married. Obviously, feeling the need to write on a problem page, I think thats how life should be, but I don't know if I want it, I dont know what I want, I am 39 and feel I should be settled with a partner and live happily ever after, but I never ever want to be so desperate to live that life that I take up with anyone.Life is what we make it, that is so true, and all the while I stay with my 'partner' this is the life I am making for myself so I should get out of this mindset and either carry on or walk away. (the thought of the pain, the physical pain in my heart, him not being in my world scares me very much)Thanks again for your response, you are right, from looking at it from the outside I can see where you are coming from, but I keep remembereing how heartbroken he was, how I could hear him cry like a baby saying he could not be without me. but then he got so angry when I told him to give me time, he said he would have come to mine every weekend to mow my lawn and I would have had him eating out of my hand the feelings he felt when I 'dumped him as he calls it' but then he says, I pushed him over the edge and turned him the other way??? I have too much emotion going on and am blinded by the facts. I should get angry with him, tell him how he has made me feel, and walk away, but I can't.xthanksx
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