A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have this male friend who I have recently been getting closer and closer to. We spend nights in together just having wine and chatting, we go out places together and we’ve both admitted we really like each other. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something really special about the relationship. It just feels natural – like I’m not even having to try. It’s as if it’s completely mutual and we’re both just clicking with each other. Having admitted we both have feelings for each other and having our first kiss together last night, we are considering dating. We are by chance going to be living 10 minutes away from each other in literally 2-3 weeks time as I am moving out and my new flat is near his. Purely by accident! I really like him and he just makes me feel special and wanted, and when we’re together we just chat non stop and laugh and giggle and snuggle up to each other. There’s only one problem – his ex girlfriend. He was in a really serious relationship for about 3 years but broke up with her about 3 months ago. Although he has admitted to me he likes me and wants to be with me, he has said he still has feelings for his ex which he can’t deny and that things are complicated between them because of how long they were together. She is also moving away soon for 6 years. He still sees her as they have stayed friends and has gone away this weekend to pick up some of his stuff from when they were together, including some pets – they shared a flat together. He has asked that perhaps we don't chat this weekend so that he can think clearly and get his head straight. My question is, what do I do? I have a seriously good gut feeling about this relationship and because I have been friends with the guy for quite a few years I trust him when he says it’s over between them. He says they just don’t work as a couple. I want to know how I should deal with this. Should I give him the space to work things out in his head or should I do something else? We have a serious connection with each other that I’ve never felt with anyone else before. He’s so sweet and attentive – always stroking my hand when we’re out together, buying me coffee, texting me to see how my day is going. I like him. He likes me. We’re going to be living 10 minutes apart and already spend nearly every day either seeing each other or chatting on the internet. We’re going to see a lot more of each other. But what do I do about the ex girlfriend? I don’t want to get involved with someone who is potentially going to break my heart because they aren’t over their ex. Please help. I’m really torn. I feel as if I’ve met the perfect guy, possibly – don’t quote me… “the one”, but there’s the problem of the ex girlfriend which is playing havoc in my head. Please help me iron this all out. Even if you can just reassure me it’s all ok and natural and that he’s just getting over her, that would also be good.Ps: If its useful to know, his ex gf is also seeing someone new too.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 August 2008):
 Hi, I just wanted to add a note. The reason you got only one answer is that Irish has covered it all and has given you some awesome advice. Anything else would be redundant; you got the top agony aunt here!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): "He has asked that perhaps we don't chat this weekend so that he can think clearly and get his head straight. My question is, what do I do?" Give that to him and respect what he has asked of you. Go do other things and he will call you, when he's ready.
You friend is going through a healing and recovery process. And what a commendable guy, he is ...to be so honest and open to you. He has the foresight to know that a healing/recovery time after relationships is crucially important for everyone, concerned. He likely knows that jumping into a new, serious relationships is unfair and it can cause uncertainties in the new partner (you)
You need to choose if you can withstand this until he's through this healing period and if you can be strong and carry on, in this relationship. We don't know when he will eventually get over her. It may be a long process or it can be over, quickly. It's a risk and time will tell. You both have not been dating long. So, you need to:
1) either put these self doubts to rest (or you run the chance of sabotaging this relationship), and be his close friend
2) or just move on and tell him to call you when he's recovered from his ex gf.
My guess is, he enjoys you for you or you two wouldn't be together. Just don't expect him to be "in love" with you after being together for a short time. Because that's simply unrealistic and a huge fantasy, on your part.
Now remember, all relationships we 'choose ' to become involved in are big risks to our heart..but they can be positive, wonderful experiences if you just focus on bringing the "best of yourself" into this relationship. As this relationship is just starting out, it has to grow and be nutured over time-love and meaningfulness on a person part who's healing, does not happen immediately. This is something so many young folks forget. Give this relationship time to develop, to take off, to continue to "really" learn about each other. Just have fun, a great time, be positive, be happy and just enjoy the wonderful moments spent with him. How this relationship will pan out will depend on what you think about yourself. Love and appreciate you for who you are, not just for the impressions you give to him. And don't compare yourself to her. You and his ex gf are two complete different individuals and he knows that and respects that.
He will love again, sweety but when he's ready. So, you could if you choose, just relax and enjoy this new relationship with him, stay confident, stay happy and take it one day at a time. I wish you all the happiness and remember, be positive, have fun and just just keep being true to yourself. Your confidence, your happy demeanor is what he'll come to love about you. Enjoy him but don't rush this...let it grow!
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