A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 27 year old woman and me and my husband have been married for nearly 2 years. We have had a wonderful marriage, he has been attentive and caring. I did notice though the last few months he had gradually started getting distant and not initiating sex. I had suspicions of affairs but i always knew where he was and so passed them off as just suspicions.When we were first dating I saw that he had searched for prostitutes on google. I confronted him about it and he was truly sorry. We talked about it and he told me that he had never been with one but the idea of it excited him, he was searching for a kick. I believe him and we moved forward from it - I know for a fact he hasn't looked at them since..Yesterday something made me pick his phone up and I saw an email from a woman - just general chit chat. I confronted my husband about it again and he flipped out. Flipped out in a way that he just broke down and cried. I asked if he had cheated on me and he explained no. He logged on to a web site and showed me that he'd been on a dating website chatting to women. Sometimes he would have phone sex with them, sometimes he would just swap emails. He showed me all the emails and this private facebook account which was under a fake name. He said he had been doing this since he was 19 (he's 30 now) and that he feels like it is an addiction and he knows it's taking hold of his life! He says he has never actually met up with these women but just talked to them (sexually also). He said he wanted to go for counselling and loved me and would not go on the internet again.Now it's day 2, and I've stopped pitying him and I am angry. I am upset that he has been doing this all this time. I believe he has some serious psychological problems stemming from his poor childhood life. However I think i want to leave him. I love him dearly but this has affected me in such a big way I don't think I will be able to trust him again. I feel a part of me has died.Do I give him another chance? He has told me he will do anything to change. He wants me to go to counselling with him. He says the emails and chats with other women have got worse recently and he's been using it as an escape from his life (he is probably going to be made redundant soon and I know that is affecting him). He likened his problem to heroin or alcohol addiction.One part of me wants to get out whilst I can whilst their are no children. But we have had such a good life together and I love him dearly that it hurts.I would love some advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): Thank you very much for your replies. It is great to get replies from two very different sides the 'offender' and the 'victim'. Anonymous - why do you say that you wish you had left your husband when you could have (before kids)? Is it solely for the reason of internet porn or are there other aspects in your marriage you are unhappy with?
Since the incident we have been staying in separate rooms. However last night we ended up having sex! I feel so weak for letting it happen...
My husband has booked us in for counselling. When we argued I threw his laptop and now it's broken - he says he's going to buy a desktop computer instead and put it in the lounge so i know what he's looking at. He's told me that he is going to sort himself out - get to the root of the problem. He's applying for another job cos he hates his current one.
I understand what you are saying Anonymous - if I hadn't checked his phone when would I have found out? I was oblivious to all of this. Would he have taken it a step too far and had a physical relationship? Probably. But our life was good - he admitted that himself. He told me that he never wanted a relationship with any of these women. he just got a kick out of it. The fact that he received emails from them made him feel wanted and important.
Sometimes I think i'm lucky i found out - to be able to nip this in the bud before it got too disastrous. Another part wishes i never because things were so perfect between us.
I guess I need to go to the counselling session and see where that gets us. We are going away camping this weekend. The weather is beautiful and it will get us away from our home so we can chat. My husband is pulling all the stops out so I know he is putting the effort it. I hope the effort lasts...
Thanks again tony for your reply too... :-) And you know what it's amazing how much brighter I feel about things already regardless of whether I stay with him or not!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): Hey Im sorry to hear what your going through.
It is an addiction but he has to admit that. What I am worried about for you is what if you hadnt looked at his phone? How far would it have gone?
I forgave my husband for a internet porn addiction 4 times during our marriage, counselling was the only thing that worked and made him realise what he was doing to our relationship.
She told us a lot of mens sexual addictions come from when they were teenagers ( looking at porn, dating websites etc.) So it does make sense.
Having said that if I could have got out before the kids I would have.
It is a hard one. If you really do love him try counselling first before you decide to just give up. If he really does want to change...he will.
Just keep an eye on him for a while though too!
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A
male
reader, tony67  +, writes (2 September 2010):
Hi. First let me say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You must be devastated.
Second I believe without a doubt you should NOT leave him. Do everything you can to work through the pain and anger and start the healing process. Believe it or not, he's going through absolute hell. Unless he's a total monster, he's feeling shame, regret, and absolute devastation for what he's done to you. He's the same person you married and fell in love with, he just doesn't have the secret anymore. I don't believe in the adage, "once a cheater, always a cheater". There are guys out there who will just go into panic mode and do anything they can to put this behind them, and then once everything is calm start cheating again, but not all guys are like that. If you afford him the chance to regain your trust, he'll be faithful forever. I think the key is checking in with him in an understanding way to make sure he's not feeling the restlessness or low self esteem that caused him to stray in the first place.
I say this because I've cheated. I was just found out and the reasons are far more complicated than I can type here. The biggest issue I ran into was a fucked up childhood that had both physical and emotional abuse as well as unrealistic religious expectations. Once I strayed I started to think, "well I'm just a lousy piece of shit who can hold to a moral code anyway so why try". I'm seeking help now and the future of my relationship remains to be seen. I hope some day to get a chance to repair it and prove to the one I love that I am the person she fell in love with and to give her and I the life she always dreamed about. I also look forward to proving to myself that I am the person I thought I could be at this age. I've decided this wake up call will not be wasted.
Good luck to you. I wish you the best. If you have any other questions from the mind of a cheater, just ask.
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