A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have met this wonderful man 11 months ago whom i am now engaged to...the problem is his ex wont let him see his kids while he is with me...obviously she cant let go of him, and is jealous, even tho they were not together when we met...My fiance has not seen his kids for 3 months because of it, and is still waiting for legal action to take place, anyway this week, his mother books a cruise for him and his kids that leaves tonight and only gave him 2 days notice... i was so hurt to even think that he would even consider going, seeing as tho its xmas and all, so i gave him an ultimatum...if he decided to go, that we are over, well i lost out, and hes now away for almost 2 weeks over xmas...I am so upset and confused as i love him with all my heart, but why should i be second best??? He has been begging me to wait for him, and will make it up to me, but why should I??? Should i give him another chance and be 2nd fiddle or quit while im ahead??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks
View related questions:
engaged, fiance, his ex, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your advice, much appreciated... I have had time to think about things, and now realise how selfish i am and that i should never have put him in this situation... all I can hope for now is that his love for me is strong enough and that he will forgive me... and if he can't, then it was never meant to be, thanks again, blessings to u all x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): I can understand exactly where you are coming from. My husband has 3 children with his ex's and they are always put before me. I can tell you that you are never going to win on this one and the children will always come first. I kick off and make a real fuss and all it does is drive a wedge between us and my husband is beginning to hate me because of it. I do think that if it is something you can't deal with then it is better to cut your losses early on. I find it exceptionally difficult to cope with and when he says he isn't going to have the kids and I think oh goody I have got him all to myself and then things change and he suddenly does have them that it is very difficult to deal with. Now I am very selfish by nature and hate sharing him and in effect am actually jealous of them but hopefully you are not that nasty.
In your situation I would not be able to forgive being left on my own for Christmas and would not be able to take him back but you may have more generosity of spirit and can accept that he was put in a terrible dilemma and was really forced into making this decision. I cannot imagine that he is enjoying himself at all knowing how much he has hurt you by making this choice. I would be interested in what he thought you were going to do whilst he is away. I know he says he will make it up to you and this is probably the only thing he can do. I am sure he will try everything in his power to make it up to you when he returns and you should use these two weeks to think about what you really want going forward and to accept that when the wife does let you all spend time together it is going to be even harder.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): This is a delicate situation. Obviously he wants to take the opportunity to see his kids especially as he doesn't get to see them that often. Play the long game here. Things will get better and in time you may be able to build a relationship with his kids, but you may have to wait for his ex to be more at ease with the situation. Don't think about 'being second best' or make your fiance choose. Its hard but you can work on this and just be patient.
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 This is why i would never dish out an ultimatum, because more often that not, it goes against you!!!
Just think how happy he will be spending time with his children, and then coming home and telling you all about it!! He's not seen them for 3 months, and i bet you have no idea how that feels. Don't get me wrong, it sucks that he's not going to be with you for christmas, but this to me seems like a once in a lifetime opportunity for him, until the legal action happens anyway...
I appreciate that you are feeling hurt, but he has the rest of his life to spend with you, he may not have that long with his kids if their mother gets her own way. Let him enjoy them whilst he still can. Yes it's rubbish that he didn't choose you first, but there is a bigger picture, take this time to have a good hard look at this bigger picture, and hopefully you will see things a little clearer.
...............................
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (18 December 2010):
 your taking this way to personal. of course it hurts but your making the situation worse and not better. and his kids come first and that is the way it should be. he had them with her and now has a responsibillity to take care of them plus he had them before he met you their is real family flesh and blood so you will always be second best! dont get me wrong i do think you have a right to make yourself heard but he is getting a chance to be with his kids after 3 months no contact and you want to take that away from him if he ddnt go he would hate you! i think your being a bit selfish here too used to having him all to yourself and as soon as he gets a chance you jump on him like a wild dog. you need to take a step back from his situation and be their for him and offer support but leave it to him. you have to learn that his children is his world and although he may love you just as much they should always be his no1. when you have a child your life revolves around them or atleast it should otherwise he is not being a responsible parent and a decent father. good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): ~KIDS FIRST!~
Why would you want to be with a man that placed his kids second?
I respect his choice.
No child is second to the other parent let alone to a parent's gf, bf, fiancee, new wife or whatever.
I would be repulsived if my partner put me before our children or his children from another woman.
You wouldn't be playing 2nd in this paricular situation.
I respect him for choosing to be with his children. Stand by your man!
~PARTNERS COME AND GO BUT CHILDREN DON'T~
God Bless.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): I don't get it. You gave him an ultimatum to choose between his children and you? And you are surprised that he chose his children?
Do you have children?
If he's willing to stand up to the crazy ex for you and face the agony of not seeing his children because of that woman's twisted revenge tactics....and he still wants to marry you...why did you put him in that situation? Why did you give him an ultimatum?
All you had to do is wait for the legal action that's supposed to take place and stick by him until then.
If he had chosen not to go on that cruise and miss the opportunity to spend christmas with his children because of your childish (IMHO) attitude, he would not be a trustworthy man. He's obviously a good father. That's the most revealing quality in a man's character - how he behaves towards his children.
I must be missing something about this whole story
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): you shouldn't have put him in a position where he had to choose between you and his kids. But since you did you really can't blame him for choosing his kids over you, they are his flesh and blood, and they were there in his life before you were, and since he had not seen his kids for 3 months cos of his ex wife, AND xmas is a special time for kids .... it's really not at all surprising he would be desperate to spend time with his kids over xmas. Have some compassion for him, you put him in a very difficult position, you picked the wrong battle. if you hadn't given him the ultimatum he probably would have come right back to you after xmas but since you did now you have to end the relationship or else your word means nothing
...............................
|
