A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my ex gf, who dumped me to get back with her ex boyfriend who hits her, wants to get back together. Im the complete opposite of her ex, hes a badboy kind of guy who doesnt do shit with his life, while i on the other hand, work two dead end jobs and go to school. He lives with his parents and has her come over all the time, while i live on my own in a close to empty apartment. I dont have much but i do the best i can with what ive got. Im 21 shes 18. I treated her with the utmost of care and was always good to her yet she broke up with me for him. I dont understand, she always said i was way smarter and mature than him, and how our sex was 1000 times better, i dont understand why she left me in the first place.She was with him for a couple weeks until he beat the crap out of her and now shes back with her parents and she wants to get back together.What should i do? i really care for the girl but she hurt me really bad. Im not sure if she just wants to get back with me because she doesnt have much friends and doesnt want to stay at home with her parents all day. I dont know if she'll leave me again. I dont know if she just wants to use me. I thought we had something special, but when she left me so abruptly, it really caught me off guard. Im beginning to wonder if what we had meant anything to her.What should i do? i was just starting to get over her, when she called me last night and told me she wants to get back together.
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male
reader, Jayman84 +, writes (5 May 2013):
 Im sure you hurd the term. badboys over nice guys shes going through that stage right now. You need to leave her alone shes young and shes going to.go for those type of guys and she will leave you again just tell her no your.going to get yourself hurt again.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): I was in a very similar situation. Met a woman at work, she was in an abusive relationship, we became close and she left him for me. Everything was great for a few months then he started to contact her and she ended up dumping me and moving back in with him. I was devastated and it took me a long time to get over it.In the meantime her ex had found out that we'd become close while they were still together (he went through her emails). He threw her out. I tried to be there for her, but she ended up going through a couple of lousy relationships.Roll on another few months and she suddenly starts to become friendly towards me again. We started to see each other but very slow. I did was has been advised here. Told her how much she'd hurt me, that she couldn't have any more contact with her ex. I even offered to cover the cost of therapy as she's in debt. Turns out, that throughout our time together she was still in touch with her ex and lying to me about it (I checked her phone). Shortly after we split up she was back to sleeping with him. My advice is to steer well clear. She's damaged and until she decides to get help, she's only going to hurt you too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): Simple answer is no. Yeah it's true that no relationship is perfect and we sometimes have to deal with some horrible crap in order to make them work. But she dumped you, then when this guy turns out to be rotten she comes crawling back?If it didn't turn out that way she'd probably still be with him. She doesn't love you, she didn't make a mistake it just didn't work and now she wants to come back to Mr. Reliable to comfort her until she's over it and can leave you again.Don't be a sap, you know what her deal is.You know in your heart that she can do this to you again, you know in your heart if she loved you she wouldn't have left.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): Well, in retrospect if she dumped you in the first place, chances are she'll do it again. I suggest you get over it. If you get back together with her, she's gonna hurt your feelings again. Not worth it. Let it be her loss.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): I love the way so many of the replies seem are psychoanalyseing your ex and coming up with these ideas of how she is as a person.
Listen, soemtimes i feel there are many people on this site that encourage you to break up with people at the first sign of trouble. But real relationshipes dont work like that. Lots of people break up and get back togther again for whatvere reason.
I think as long as you have strong boundaries and take it slowly it will be okay. If she does it agian then you can call it quits for good. I'm a great believer in forgiving people once but if they do it again, well....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 I agree with Chi Girl, she needs to proactively deal with the abuser before she can consider a relationship with anybody else.
Reporting him to the police is a good start, but she must carry it through, and not drop charges.
I agree she nees time to get her head together, tell her you want to be her friend, she needs breathing space between relationships and she needs time to decide WHAT she really wants.
If after a period of 6 months or so you still feel the same way then start dating again.
Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): What?!
No do not take her back. It will just let her know that she can just bouce between the two of you. The other poster is right (shes didnt go back to a regualr guy, she went back to an abuser that will ALWAYS have a hold over her).
Let this girl go now, or you WILL have heartache later on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 First you need to answer some questions: how long were you and her together? How long after the breakup with her ex did she come crawling back to you?
Who dumped whom? Did the ex dump her, or did she leave? Answer on both occasions please.
She's been in an abusive relationship, and that can't be thought of as a regular normal relationship. She didn't dump you for her ex, she dumped you for an abuser. I just want to tell you that you need to be aware of that difference, as it is very important to understand and explain why this happens, and what could happen next.
She's not doing too well this girl. She's not an evil little bitch who dumps guys and uses them or doesn't value what you had. She's a girl who's been abused by a boyfriend. Abuse isn't just physical, it also takes a huge toll on your mentality. What happened was that her ex got her wrapped around his little finger. She knows it, she hates it, but he's manipulative to a high degree, and he got her trapped down. She managed to get away from him, but how? Do you know? This is important. Did he dump her and then she left? Because if so, she never could have left on her own, meaning she doesn't have the strength to leave. Which in return mens he can practically call for her and she'll come running, as the grip around her is strong. An abusers grip on you goes way beyond physical. The beating up is the final straw, it starts way earlier, and with the smallest things, such as destroying her self worth.
She went back to her ex not because he's better than you, or because she loves him, or because you're not good enough or anything. She went back because she still hadn't recovered from the damage he did to her. She needs therapy, and time to heal. She didn't get that, did she? Did she go seek help?
She comes with a lot of baggage. I say for now, this is what you should do. Tell her you want to be her friend, and get her help. Find some sort of therapy, or talking sessions for victims of domestic violence. Also file a police report on the guy. Tell her that once she recovers maybe you can start a relationship again, but that for now she's not doing well enough to begin a new relationship. She's vulnerable, hurt, and she's lost, doesn't know where to go or what to do. So she clings to you because that's all she knows, she doesn't know her own good. She doesn't know she needs help. Try to help her first. Only when she is better can she start a new relationship.
Tell her that you can't start a relationship with her again when she's not recovered from the abusive ex. That she needs to take care of herself first, and heal, and grow stronger, before you and her can have a relationship. Once she is stronger and more confident she won't leave you for any ex. But the ex's mental grip on her needs to be cut off, and to do that she'll need help.
She needs to not talk to this ex ever again. Delete his number, file a police report on him, and get into therapy. Help her with all this and be her friend.
Then, in about 6 months time, see how things have developed and if she's still interested in a relationship with you then, and you still have feelings for her, you can give it another go.
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A
male
reader, zedd +, writes (28 June 2011):
I'd rather be with a girl who wants to be with me, not with someone else. I think she would use you as her emotional tampon. Personally, I wouldn't want that. She's into bad boys anyways.
If I were you, I'd skip on this one. I think you have enough stuff to deal with in your life (financial matters etc.) anyways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): Well, you have to look in your heart, do you love her?
It might be that she was still hung up on this guy but now she's not. Sometimes people need to go back one more time, it might be that she really has had had enough of this guy. also, if she was really addicted to bad boys and that DV is a pattern for her, she would still be there, but she isnt, she left.
Firsly, you need to talk to her, tell her how you feel. Say how hurt you have been, explain it cant happen again, make it clear this is her last chance. Also, listen to what she has to say. Then, take it slowly, see eachother twice a week, date, go to the cinema, for dinner, the beach, etc, etc.
I always feel that love wins and that you should take a chance on people. If she was hitting you I would not say that but she isnt. Good luck. And remember, 'a heart that has never been broken is a sterile place.'
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