A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So, my husband and I are separated, due to me finding out he cheated on me. I asked him to move out, and he rented an apartment, and let the OW move in with him (along with her 3 girls she will be getting custody of in a couple months). After a few difficult weeks, I was able to accept the situation and for our children's sake (2 yr son and 18 yr old daughter), begin to have a friendship with him. A couple more weeks go by, and husband tells me the OW moved out because they got into a big fight. He found out quite a bit of stuff about her, living together, such as she had abandoned her kids at the hospital, she is a selfish person, who will give up her weekends to see her girls so she can go shopping, and so she doesn't have to drive an hour to get them, she owes her previous landlord $10000, and has horrible credit, yet she goes to expensive stores to buy clothes (while my husband buys clothes on clearance at Kohls, as do I). Husband and I continue our friendship and it grows from there. A week later, he gets a call from OW, saying she needs to talk. She is 8 weeks pregnant. Two days prior him and I were talking about the plan to get him to move back in here. (I had a list of things he needed to do before I would let this happen, such as disconnect all ties with the OW, him go to Therapy to get help with lying and cheating (he had started to go to therapy already), marriage counseling, and begin to develop a stronger relationship with our daughter (since the conflicts between them were difficult to bear, because I was always put in the middle). So, now OW has moved back into the apartment (which by the way he had put her on the lease at the beginning as well). He says he is confused, and is just trying to do the right thing because she doesn't have anywhere else to go. He could move out of course, but since his name is on the lease, she cannot afford it on her own, until she gets custody of her 3 children in 2 months. (Then she will get child support money.) So, husband says just give him a little time, and he will figure out a solution to this issue. He asked her if she wanted an abortion, and she said no. (BTW, I'm pretty sure she intended on getting pregnant, so she could "keep" my husband. The affair began shortly after they got out of rehab together 2 years ago, which is where they met. they had a lot in common, due to the rehab experience, etc. I had found out, and asked him to move out or end it. He ended it, because he said he wanted to make it work, not only for me, but for our son, who was only 6 months old at the time. Well, forward 1.5 years, and the affair began again, I found out again, which prompted me to ask him to move out again. This time, he did, since I told him he couldn't be trusted to end it. A little more about husband and my history - we met in high school. My first year of college, I got pregnant with our daughter. We raised her, then 16 years later, decided we wanted another child. Went to infertility specialist, and got preggo with son. Didn't realize, but husband was into coke at time, so he checked himself into rehab a couple months after son was born. He has been clean/sober ever since, and it has done amazing things for him (has the best job he has ever has, now making more money than me, as a college graduate, working at the same place for over 10 yrs). Anyways, that might help with my question. What should I do? He says it is over between him and OW, and wants to get back together. He doesn't know what's going to happen with the baby she is having. He doesn't think she can handle another child, given, she can't even handle the 3 she fought for custody of. Apparently it was an ugly custody battle, because her ex husband did not want to give them up. (BTW, she has not been sober all this time, she has went off the wagon many times I guess, per husband).So husband thinks he might end up getting custody of her baby. Should I let him back, should I help raise his illegitimate child by OW? We would definitely still go to marriage counseling, but there would always be a tie to this OW. Anytime husband and I got in a fight, I would be worried, he would go back to her. Anyways, very confused...just wondered what others think. Thanks for your time, and for reading my rambling story :)
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abortion, affair, cheated on me, get back together, her ex, money, moved out Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (15 June 2010):
 Please don't take him back. I can tell by reading
your post that you ate a caring,
loving, and forgiving woman.
However, this man has done you wrong
and you need to cut him loose. No matter
how much it hurts and no matter how
much you love him. If you take him back,
he will always think that he can throw any
BS at you and you will forgive him.
He will not respect that.
By reading your post, I kept thinking
you were so much better than him and
you deserve so much more!
You need to finalize the divorce.
And I know one day, a man will come
along that will be your dream come
true and more. I always listen to
Tina Turner's..."what's love got to do with it"
..and it's true. You still love him, bit this man does
not love you like the way you deserve.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): There is a pattern here. Your husband does not love you, he has been using you. The main ingredient that holds you two together is YOU, your cooperation, your willingness to put up with him and stay with him no matter what. Your high degree of empathy for his "troubles", your extreme investment in the relationship, and your high tolerance for his bull shit.
Guess what. Your husband knows this and he is playing you for a sucker, the fall back girl/wife. He has no character what so ever. He is a liar, a cheat, he is going to always triangulate your relationship with another woman, always and astoundingly you can't see that because for him it has been the same woman he is doing this with. He get's pleasure out of seeing the pain in your eyes, he is addicted to the drama of the other woman and he is addicted to drugs.
All this soup adds up to only one thing, a personality disordered or pathological male. Your decision to stay with him will lead to only one thing. Inevitable harm to you. What can this man possibly be teacing your children as you raise them to adulthood?
I know you have to maintain a civil relationship with him for his sake, but I think you know, but can't reconcile this in your mind, he's a bad guy.
You are young, don't waste anymore of your life on this man, and I would highly suggest you do some reading, google borderline personality disorder, go to www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com and read the articles there and order the e-book Pathological Men and the Women who Love them....Learn why you picked this disordered man and why he chose you, then learn to recognize the signs because more than likely you will pick another just like him unless you an tell the difference between a healthy male and a dangerous one.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (14 June 2010):
 First: I am not trying to be gratuitously brutal, I'm a realistic.
TheOW can't afford the apt., her kids, your husband's illegitimate kid, etc, etc: and this is your problem how?
Your husband is trying to keep one foot in your house and the other in the OW's. This doesn't make his cause noble. This IS a problem.
The OW's kid, kids, can't-afford-anything, the OW herself, the whole she-made-a-mess-of-her-life thing isn't a YOU problem, it's a HER problem. The remaining problem is your husband. Were I you, I'd get rid of him, and all their related problems. Otherwise, you're allowing never-ending problems through the door.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (14 June 2010):
 It's great that you are rebuilding a friendship, but think long and hard about taking him back. He's made a huge mess of his life--HUGE--and it's the kind of mess that's going to continue for years to come. For the rest of your lives you are going to be reminded of his affair and you are going to end up paying for his mistake.
The other woman might me a coked-out skank, but she's not the one who wronged you: your husband did. I can tell from your post that you really still love your husband, but if you decide to take him back, you have to be smart about things. Make him own up to his actions and make him put some effort into mending your relationship. If you welcome him home with open arms without demanding anything of him, he may very well end up with this woman again.
If he's serious about making things work, insist that he moves out of that apartment. He brought this burden on himself when he put her on the lease--which suggests to me that he planned on making their relationship permanent--and if he has to pay rent for a place he's not living in, that's his problem. I wouldn't let him move home, though--he needs to earn that right.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (14 June 2010):
 If you take him back you will forever be tied to this other women. Her character speaks for itself and you will always have that in your life.
I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I'm just going to say this: The fact that he has moved in with her should show what he thinks about your marriage. If your marriage was THAT important to him, I would think he would have done everything he could do get you back. But now he's finding out that the grass isn't greener on that side and he realizes he's stuck.
Do you want to deal with the outcome of his selfishness for the rest of your life? Because you'll be bringing in a whole lot of his baggage when he comes back home.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (14 June 2010):
NoRehab, continued cheating, letting her move back in when you were trying to reconcile, fathering a child with another woman... Too many issues, too much drama. This guy is no good to you, no good for you, and no good for your kids. He may try to be a good man, but he's a terrible husband and father. Reconciling with him at this point is going to do more harm than good. Cut him loose. If he wants to see his kids with you, don't fight that, but he does NOT get custody!This man is trouble, pain, and anguish walking on two feet. For your kid's sake, you need to make this as clean and painless a break as possible.
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