A
male
age
,
*adSack
writes:Dear Cupid:I'm about two months out of a relationship with my girfriend of 1 1/2 years. We have tremendous differences---she wants kids (I don't blame her getting that pressing urge at our age, 42), I don't--I'm a homebody, she's not, she likes to travel, I have a dog I adore and prefer to bring him with us on vacations---I AM quirky, neurotic---but underneath it all we had fun, she said she loved me but I wasn't so sure if I felt the same---New Year's Day she left in the middle of the night; later said she regretted it but said she couldn't take it anymore----she wanted to be PRIORITY #1, over dog and my mom, etc.I said I couldn't do that, I'm not ready for kids, etcShe has since emailed two or three times, very pleasant, almost as if nothing happened, and I answered quickly and distantly---obviously not into it. Now I haven't heard from her in a month. And now I'm EXTREMELY depressed and sad; I'm not sure I miss her or being in a relationship. Today I saw a picture of her online, from a few months ago, one I hadn't seen, of her winning a karate tournament and she was wearing my band's shirt.Absolutely destroyed me. Much of the time, she made me feel like a winnerI'm very tempted to contact her but I fear us just same thing will happen again in a few months--or I'll have to have a kid and what if we AREN'T right for each other.She's the most serious relationship I've ever had, and I'm completely confused. Trying to meet someone online the last couple of weeks---nothing, except girls hours and hours away. And I don't wanna talk to friends about this---too painful.HELP. Sorry for blabbing. And you know what, she MIGHT've MET SOMEONE ELSE and I'd be happy, if I knew she could get what she wants. I just don't know.
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female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (1 March 2007):
 You have to have a kid before you figure out she's right or wrong for you? As you said, that's not her only reason for leaving you.
I can't say how long it takes for somebody to know whether you love them or not, but after 1 1/2 years, I think it's long enough to gauge if you do.
You have to decide whether it was your fear of commitment or just that you don't love her. It is only automatic and logical to say that you're not ready for children if you don't love the woman you were with. THe same goes for all your other familial responsibilities.
At the same time, it seems like you have a problem with changing your way of life, NOT that it was wrong to begin with, but sometimes it's healthy to shake-up your routine a bit more. By all means, stay devoted to your family and your pet, but you shouldn't let those elements in your life tie you down. At the same time, you can't use them as an excuse to distance yourself from your girlfriend.
Since she mentioned that your dog and your mother were #1 priorities over her, maybe you're still attached to elements of your childhood.
It seems like you haven't fully transitioned from your original concept of responsibilities and attachments (that nurturing, safe environment and attachments you carry as a child into young adult life) to that of an adult man who leaves the nest looking to explore his own life and its rich possibilities.
You have to decide what it is that holds you to your ex, it seems like you were complacent and condescending with her emails until she decided to make a firm exit from your life. That's pretty selfish of you. And it also tells me that you like things to revolve around you.
If any of this is true, you have to ask yourself whether you're really happy in this kind of lifestyle and whether your next girlfriend will be happy with it too.
As for your last girlfriend, an email apologizing for your previously uninterested emails will have to come first before you try to re-establish the friendship that you both shared.
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