A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I don't even know where to start Me and my boyfriend / ex boyfriend had a lot of problems. I could never deal with his past but I kept trying.And 2 days ago he told me something new from his past, and I was so hurt that I only had one thought that I had to break up with him. And that's what I did, he meant that he had changed. But I was so angry (and maybe that was my fault) and kept saying that he should leave me alone and that it was over. He then left me alone. Then I had time for myself and could come down, and thought about the fact that he cannot change his past, but he can only change himself. Then I texted him again, and we spoke on the phone and I apologized for being like that. Then he told me that he had watched porn (we had certain boundaries before we got into a relationship, and we both agreed that we wouldn’t watch porn because we both didn’t think it was okay) and that he was sorry. I hung up because it made me so disgusted and because I was so hurt. He said that he only did that because he thought it was really over and because he had so much pain and was sad and wanted to forget me and get over me. It wasn't even 30 minutes after we broke up, and he's going to see something like that?I already had problems like this in my relationship with my ex, and he knew that too.I know that there are people who have absolutely no problem watching porn in a relationship. But we both had boundaries.And now he texts to me all the time that he was stupid and that he has no excuse for it but that he was just stupid. And want to get a tattoo of my name just so that I can see that he is really serious about me and that he really loves me.But I'm very hurt and disgusted and don't know what to do. I want to stay with him, but it really hurts to know that he had nothing better to do than watch porn, and that right after the breakup.I've hardly eaten anything for two days and I'm in bed the whole time.I hope I can find some answers and advice here on what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2022): Ignore those who tell you your insecure or prudish. There’s mountains of pressure on women from men and women who are pick Mrs to accept any behaviour from men nowadays . Women are even expected by some to accept men supporting these horrible porn sites that are repeatedly caught out for having degrading and or even illegal videos . Apparently we are not even allowed to decide that we want men who have some type of moral compass
You can’t tell anyone what to do but you most certainly can decide the type of person you want in your life
Don’t feel bad for having healthy boundaries and don’t let anyone try and convince you to become a ‘ cool chick’ by accepting low value behaviour
Stick to your beliefs and just choose people who align with then and you’ll be fine
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2022): Op if watching porn is a deal breaker than stand by this. People have different rules in relationships that sometimes don't match up. I was with a girl who thought night club grinding was okay. It took me months to wrap my head around why she would want todo that but at the end of the day it was MY problem with her in the relationship. I was forcing her to change. So we parted ways. If I would of ended months after I learned that she was into this I would of been alot happier and healthier.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2022): You sound like an insecure jealous prudish old lady. It is entirely up to your guy if he wants to watch porn. You make him promise he won't because it suits you, and you were lucky he was big enough and brave enough (and stupid enough) to tell you that he had. It would have been far better if he just did it without saying. And pretended he was not. Sounds like you are so insecure you hate the idea of him being turned on by other women. You need therapy if you are that insecure. Don;t push it onto him to solve this insecurity for you. You are supposed to be his partner, this means that you allow him to be himself, a grown man who makes his own decisions, not treating him like a naughty little boy at school. Mummy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2022): You seem insecure to me.What happened in his past is the past before he even knew you.His life experiences is what made him what he is today…the man you love.He is not your ex….but will be unless you can be more secure in yourself.I am sure when you were young you did things you would not do today.Give the guy a break and trust in your love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2022): I believe in blunt speak and so here it is: stop trying to control him and let him be who he is!
His past is his past and unless he killed somebody or similar then you need to be a big girl and accept that his past has shaped who he is today.
As for porn, I don't believe for one second you are 'disgusted' by this, more that he had the nerve to go against your instruction and give it a go. Good for him.
What you are not seeing here is that not every situation needs a break up, sometimes you just need to be a grown up and actually talk to your partner instead of flying off the handle all the time. From what you have said, this does not seem like a happy relationship. Every time something doesn't go your way you seem go off into a temper tantrum and call it quits. Your partner watching porn is him not giving thought to your latest drama. If you get angry and lash out at every single thing, you have nowhere to go when something really bad does happen. Your partner seems to have a set reaction at this point and so thought 'what the hell let's watch some porn!'.
Having said all of the above, can you honestly tell yourself this relationship is benefitting either of you? If so, how?
Is it harming either of you? If so, how?
Then weigh it up and decided what you want to do. You're still young and quite frankly being single may just be what you need right now to reflect on where and how this relationship went sour.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 December 2021):
 "If watching porn is a deal breaker for you, then I say forgive him, but move on."
Amen to Ciar.
I totally agree.
Either you are OK with it or not.
Secondly, tell him to NOT get a tattoo of your name any time soon. It would be dumb. It doesn't show commitment, it shows immaturity. He couldn't even "change" to NOT watch porn for 30 minutes after the break-up, do you really think he would change ever? Or just get better at lying or hiding it in the future?
Wish him well, you two are NOT compatible.
You want ZERO porn in your relationship, he wants porn. That CAN definitely be a deal breaker.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2021): Typo correction:
"Sorry, a tattoo of your name can [be] removed or tattooed over."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2021): Sorry, a tattoo of your name can me removed or tattooed over. That's a pretty naive request as proof somebody is committed, and won't watch porn. He could do it in secret, and you would never know. You'll suspect because of the past, you won't forget this incident, and maybe you no longer trust him.
You'll take him back, because you're probably not strong enough to stand by your decision; but it's going to be hard when you can't trust him.
I agree with Ciar, he is likely to continue watching porn and denying it. It doesn't mean you can't set your boundaries about porn; and you shouldn't feel obligated to settle, because you think you're at any guy's mercy, thinking all guys need porn. All guys don't need it, but many as young as you and he are, will likely view it.
Don't set your expectations and rules on the level of marriage; until you have matured enough to stand by your guns. As a woman, you have every right to set your standards, and make your expectations known; in order to commit yourself to some guy who claims to love you. It's not like you can't live without porn; unless you're addicted to it. A lot of people drink way too much, many use a variety of drugs, and many sleep around; but that doesn't mean you have to settle for just any guy, because so many set lower standards for their own behavior. Hypocritically, guys often set a double-standard for your behavior; and will make you feel like crap, if you don't live-up to his principles and guidelines for female-behavior.
It's not unreasonable or unrealistic to not want porn in your relationship. You'll have to keep searching, until you find someone you can trust; and a man who lives-up to his word. You're very young, so take your time. It's very hard to enforce such a rule, but if you make it clear you mean it; he'll have to take you seriously. Too many women lower their standards, and suffer through the insufferable; because they need a man, no matter what. Don't develop this mindset.
Just keep your standards only as high as you can meet them yourself.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 December 2021):
 If watching porn is a deal breaker for you, then I say forgive him, but move on.
He may be very fond of you, but I don't think he has the same 'boundaries' you do, and may be trying to squeeze himself in to your definition of a good man.
No matter what he says, assume he will watch porn again and not tell you about it (don't ask the question, and don't demand answers). If this is how it makes you feel, there is no point in setting either of you up for heartache.
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