A
female
age
41-50,
*onfused_Woman
writes:I am trying to gain clarity on my relationship and figure out what to do... I have asked many friends for their advice, but realize that they all have some kind of biased opinions (they are, after all, close friends), so I need an objective and unbiased point of view from you guys.My relationship with my current boyfriend has been complicated. We began dating a month after I broke up with my then boyfriend and kicked my best friend out of my life (they had been sleeping with each other). This was almost four years ago. I took it slow with this guy...and we finally moved in together a year ago (almost three years into the relationship)Since I started dating this man, things were well in the beginning...till I learned that he had a drug usage problem (crystal meth, specifically). I drink alcohol, but I do not do drugs--not even marijuana. I warned him that I would leave if he continued to use crystal meth, or any other "hard drug" (which I strongly believe are cocaine and crack cocaine, heroin, or crystal meth), which mostly has to do with the fact that these are such physically and psychologically addicting substances that have ruined people's lives. He quit the crank, but relapsed a year later. And I forgave him. This was 26 months ago.Over the past 2 years, I had trusted that he had not done anything to jeopardize our relationship, nor had he "violated" any of the three conditions that I had placed on both of us in order to keep our relationship healthy. 1. No physical abuse. 2. No cheating. 3. No hard drug usage. The other night, I caught him in the bathroom with a friend of his and he admitted that he had done a line of coke, in which a fight ensued and involved me telling him that we could no longer be together. In talking to him over the weekend, he told me (after I asked him) that he had done cocaine 4 or 5 times over the past two years of our relationship, and had only admitted to all of this because he got "caught".There have been many trust issues in this relationship (e.g., I caught him talking to a married woman that he had previous relations with before he and I got together, rumors that he had been sleeping around in the very beginning of our relationship, and the past drug usage). Since I have major trust issues with people in general, stemming from past experiences with friends and previous relationships, it took me a solid two years to trust this man to the point where I never questioned or second guessed everything that he was doing. And then I learn about what he's been doing behind my back.I guess I have a lot of questions:1. Is the occasional cocaine usage okay? Can it be kept under control? Am I overreacting? I have never done it myself (I was a heroin addict in my teenage years and have been clean from all drugs--with the exception of alcohol--for 16 years, so I don't even feel tempted to even try it).2. Given the fact that I have forgiven him over and over and over again, and he HAS changed so much since I first started dating him, is this something that can be forgiven once again (since it IS fairly minor compared to the crystal meth addiction that he overcame and discovering his conversations with other women)?3. If I DO choose to forgive him and stay with him, how can I rid myself of the feelings that if he's been doing this behind my back, what else has he been doing behind my back?Maybe I just need a listening ear. Maybe I need someone to tell me that I've been stupid all these years to keep forgiving him. Maybe I need someone to simply tell me that everything will be okay. But any words would be helpful.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Confused_Woman +, writes (5 February 2014):
Confused_Woman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo one's points here are invalid. Not even Cerberus'. This is why I posted my question here...in order to get unbiased answers from all kinds of people with all kinds of opinions. And I got 'em!
All of what people have said here (including pointing out my own faults in this relationship) have been duly noted and used to weigh my options. This is most definitely one of the most unhealthy relationships I've been in. And it most definitely needs to stop.
I truly appreciate everyone's words of support and wisdom. And I thank you for your time. Bless you all.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 February 2014):
 I'll offer my "answers" to your questions, in the order that they appear in your submittal:
1. No, no, no.
2. No.
3. You can't. He's likely been doing even more. AND, you're being pretty dumb to give him a "pass" on any of it.
Is there anything wrong with just recognizing that this guy is a loser? ... and will make your life miserable for as long as you persist in hanging around him?.... AND..
... Is this the kind of life that you expected when you were 7 years old?????
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Just move on my dear. Your life is a hell. A junkie almost never changes as long as a disaster did not happen (to him, because of him anyway). If you feel it could be time to break your jail, do it now, without looking back. Once you will have broken free, you won't regret it, no doubt about that !
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (3 February 2014):
 OK, I genuinely don't think you have been "stupid", but the very first thing that came to mind when I read your post was 'co-dependant'.
You are obviously not a stupid person - your post is very astute - but something unhealthy is keeping you attached to a disturbing relationship and a man who is not good long term relationship material. In short = you deserve better.
I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, so I'm not going to attempt any amateur advice, but I do suggest you explore issues of co-dependency and addictive personalities, and perhaps seek professional advice on these. Or at least, google them, read some forums dedicated to those issues (there are plenty).
All the very best.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 February 2014):
 My husband smokes pot (so do I) and he is a very heavy drinker. In fact he is a functional alcoholic.
I have told him over and over the deal breakers include:
any other drug use (no coke, no pills, no meth, no heroin) and any of these will result in him being forced to move out.
becoming a Nonfunctional alcoholic (ie. he is not working or contributing to the home)
I have a friend who has 18 years clean and sober and last year found out her life partner was using again... it was so painful for her but she threw him out... she still has contact with his parents but she will NOT have contact with him. It's a deal breaker.
also big deal breaker is lying.
He LIED to you.
YOU probably will never be able to trust him... and I don't blame you...
CONGRATS on 16 years clean! May it continue forever for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Cerberus was right in that I'll be the first to disagree with his opinion, though I respect it. However, I have spent a lot of volunteer time in homeless shelters and have seen the effects of hard drug usage in people, including a once-millionaire who blew it all on drugs before spending time in jail because of his addictions and embezzlement.
You're 30-35 years old. At what point do you seriously choose a guy who you can spend the rest of your life with, that the entirety of your relationship doesn't revolve around not doing what the normal human being has no problem NOT DOING. That's like me telling my son that one of our rules is to not to axe murder his bus driver. D'uh!
You may pat yourself on the back for kicking drugs, and you should! But you're not free of addictions. You're addicted to this guy, and he's as unhealthy and toxic and life-destroying to you as any hard drug. You've become a paranoid co-dependent enabler, and you know you should have quit this guy years ago. But like any addicted person, you have no willpower.
So I would suggest if you can't break free of this guy once and for all, to get some professional assistance just like you would going to rehab. Your life will be even more wasted if you don't.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2014):
 Unlike Cerberus this would be a deal breaker for me.
He is still having friend who do drugs (yeah I consider Coke a drug) so for him to fall back off the wagon it not entirely impossible.
Coke however (compared to Crystal Meth) is not necessarily addictive. You can try it once, twice and walk away from it. (generally speaking) However, you NEVER know what else can be in the mix. Drugs these days are cut with all kind of crap.
You sound like you are NOT OK with it but you WANT to be, because you want to stay with him. So I'm not going to tell you what you should do, only what I would do.
You are in your 30's which means what about the future? kids? Do you see a guy (even recreational drug user being trustworthy enough to be a dad to YOUR kids?
You can't rid yourself of the feelings you have right now. They come from your GUT instincts. They are telling you, that if you keep "forgiving" he will keep doing it. Because he KNOWS you will "forgive" him again. Forgiveness before worthless. It's just a little game you two play.
Weigh your options, pro's and con's about this guy. IS he worth it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): He is not going to give up the abuse of hard drugs. You yourself have battled addiction, and know the statistics.
You will battle addiction for the rest of your life. In order for you to stay clean, you have to be in a drug-free environment yourself. There's no telling when you might relapse. Being around someone like your boyfriend, will increase those odds.
You can't trust him. He will lie to you over and over. The drugs mean more to him than you do. He can't get high off you. You're setting ultimatums and making idle threats. He knows you're not going to stick to them; because you're "addicted" to him, and can't let go.
You're resisting the truth; and already know the final outcome, if your remain with him.
You have to leave this relationship, and continue living drug-free.
You can forgive him. Who says you have to stay with him?
Trust hasn't been earned. You give it to him out of guilt and empathy. You know how hard it is; and out of pity you let up. You must move on and find a better environment for continued success in remaining clean.
He has to go. He has to fight his own way back.
You're an enabler. Giving him unconditional love, and it's costing you a lot emotionally. He's got you to fall back on, and he doesn't have to sweat it. He'll lie, and you'll pretend to believe it to keep the peace.
People who are addicted to hard drugs can't use cocaine; and think it will not lapse them into deeper usage. That's insane. You already know the answer to that question. Stop kidding yourself.
You can't trust him, and you will never be able to trust him; because he knows your weakness. Get him into rehab.
Move on, and start a new chapter in your live.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): OP people will disagree with a lot of what I say, but then again I doubt any of them have been regular drug users like I have.
When I say regular I mean I've done everything and did so every weekend pretty much most of my 20's.
1. That is completely subjective and personal. Occasional use is fine in my opinion, you've been around drugs, OP. You know there are plenty of people who do them regularly that are actually safer and more law abiding than most alcohol drinkers.
Anything in moderation for me is fine. Personally I never got a "I need more" feeling from coke, it never appealed to me. There really is no buzz, it just changes your attitude and frankly I didn't like the attitude I had on it so I didn't do it much. It really seems to only appeal to people who want to feel like kings for a night, I was only ever a 'high as hell, alternate reality' type user.
One of my closest friends was a coke dealer so I did do quite a bit even if it wasn't that often.
Never got addicted, took it only as part of drinking and with people who only took it while drinking and never broke the law on it either although I was an asshole to people on it, hence why I'm not a fan.
2. That's for you to decide. Only you can say whether all you have is ruined by him doing that. You made it a rule, OP. You made that condition of being with you and he broke that. Regardless of whether drugs are okay or not the fact he did that knowing he risked losing you if he was caught is not something to take lightly. Again though it's something you must decide and come to terms with.
Personally I'd be fine with my wife doing that, but I'm not opposed to drugs and we used to take lots together. Neither of us have ever been addicted to them, so i wouldn't fear that.
This guy has before and could well get that way again.
The biggest problem is though, OP is if this is just something he does with his friends. If they take coke while drinking and it's their thing then he's very unlikely to give that up 100% and personally if they're not a bad crowd and look after each other too I'd be fine with that.
I'm not you though this is kind of strike three in terms of trust, OP. He said he wouldn't and he's been doing it consistently behind you back and hiding it from you. Regardless of your view on drugs that kind of thing is he said he wouldn't. You can't let that just slide.
3. Only you can say. only you can weigh up all you have and all he's done and decide whether you can or cannot live with that.
Most here will say you should go. But you'd be gone already if you were sure this truly was something which is worth losing him over. Go with them on one of these sessions, see how they are, see why they take it. It may be nothing more than a thing to make drinking more fun like when I used it. Do some more thinking and do some investigating and find out the extent of all this.
Then make your decision.
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