A
female
age
36-40,
*ubblygirl
writes:Should I force myself to move out on my own in midst of healing from a horrible, abusive relationship I had been in for years, or wait a bit longer? I need your advice!I am 24 years old and currently healing from an extremely abusive relationship I had been in for 3 years. He was physically, emotionally, sexually and financially abusive. I was living with him an a condo we owned but I had to move out and back in with my parents to get away. I am moving on, going to counselling and journaling, however, I can't get the very last thing he said to me out of my mind:He said "you're 24 and only working 4 days a week and still living at home?. You're pathetic!" (for the record, I lived with him and moved out when we broke up)What do I do? Do I move out and finish healing in an apartment on my own? (I won't have a roommate as some of my friends already are or are out of province or still live at home and don't want to move). I might fall back into a depression and everything I worked on by leaving him could come undone. However, I won't be "pathetic"OR do I wait a bit longer, heal, but his words remain that living at home is sad in the eyes of society?
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (18 October 2012):
 That is what parents are for! There is NOTHING pathetic about you or living with them. He was an abusive person, he wants to get into your head. Everything he said was an attempt to undermine you, not actual truth. He found things you were insecure about and picked at them not because they were actually things wrong with you, but because he know it will get to you.
Stay at home and heal.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (18 October 2012):
 It still sounds like this man, even though you are on your own, still has power over you. This indicates to me that aren't quite ready yet. Also the fact that you are "forcing" yourself means that you might be pushing your recovery process a little too much...
I, and certainly you, would hate to see you regress and find yourself reaching out to him or to another man not worthy of your attention if things suddenly got rough while on your own. Also, you are currently enjoying the protections of your parents' place -- on your own he may be an unwelcome visitor.
There is no shame at your age living on your own. Many people your age are still figuring out what they want to do with their lives and / or saving money so they have a nice nest egg. Don't let your loser boyfriend's words have any control over you: move out on your own time and when you are ready.
In the meantime, continue to work on building your savings and building a career. Having a steady income and money in the bank can work wonders for one's self-esteem and make you less vulnerable to a guy who can control you financially. Take advantage of the generosity afforded to you by your parents and make the most of it.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): Don't let his words hurt you anymore. You are being smart, stay where you are, heal emotionally. A lot of people are living at home longer. Do what is in your best interest. And if you have parents who are offering you a place to stay, take advantage of it. Save money & when you feel emotionally & financially ready then move.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): if you only move out on your own because of his comments to you, then you are letting him win. How is that conducive to healing? it means that he still has control over you because you make decisions based on what he says.
in this tough economy it's not uncommon for people your age and older to move back in with their parents to save money. you said that you have friends who are also still living at home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): He's pathetic for being an abuser.
I'm 30 and was in an abusive relationship till I turned 25. Honestly, you're making a smart decision. You're getting all the love and support you need, you can focus your energy on yourself and not paying bills & maintaining a house.
What a wise decision!!
24 is so young, stay as long as you need. Get strong and happy so that you'll never fall into a similar relationship. Focus on your education/career that way you'll never be stuck in a relationship without having the means to leave. Focus on building friendships, spending time with your parents and being good to yourself. Focus on making the most of living with your parents - save money for a condo of your own.
Honestly, you need to cut contact with him. Let him go. Feel sorry for him. He's lost and doesn't have the same support you do. He's the pathetic one. You're the smart one who made a very very wise decision for herself to live with your parents.
Plus, I just read an article - in Vancouver 67% of 26 year olds still live at home. I'm sure alot of 30 year olds do too. Just relax, focus on yourself, your education and saving for the future.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Stay with your parents a while longer. They're your support system (spiritual/emotional support).
Give yourself time to heal and build confidence before venturing out on your own.
Your ex's opinion is worthless. You already know he's a bad guy, who says bad things to make others feel bad.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Okay so you have said yourself you are healing from this man and you are moving forward, although you are still letting him get to you though, aren't you, because if you were not then what he said to you would not bother you, and you should not let it bother you. Why do you feel that his word is what society thinks? Concentrate on getting yourself better, focus on your future and do it for yourself nobody else. Therefore if you are happiest at home at the moment well then stay at home, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck in the recovery.
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