A
female
age
51-59,
*urtbeyondbelief
writes:I met my husband at a club nine years ago and within a week he moved into my home.. I didn't live there at that time but within two weeks my kids and I moved back into our home with then my boyfriend.Things were going great... the kids liked him and he was the prefect guy.. said all the right things and did some much for us... you knw the knight in shining armourwell a few months past and his ex decided that his daughter could not be around my kids nor I. so his lawyer told him the best thing to do is to either get married to me or move out.. well this was on a WednesdayHe called and asked me what was I doing this weekend.. I said as far as I know nothing why??? he said what do you think about getting marries on saturday?of course I was so happy since I really loved him... I said YES!!! well the day of the wedding comes and he changed into this person I had never meet before.. he was mad and yelling for everyone to hurry up and all the time is he sitting on the sofa... well the wedding went off and now we are married...a few days later I was getting the pictures back from our wedding day and my new husband looks like "what the hell did I just do"... The next few weeks he's mad at everyone in the house... he's telling me my kids aren't considering him and I need to do something about themA few months go by, and he says to me let's confirm our marriage vows in their (his family) church and have a big bash, since his family wasn't able to come to our first wedding.. and of course I said yes to the wedding of my dreams.. ok of he was no help at all and was always mad and didn't like this or that but he wouldnt help...anyway to make this long story come to it's pointwe had been married 9 months and I received his cell phone bill and was checking why he went over his minutes when one particular phone number appears over and over and of course I call the number and a woman answers and I asked if she knows my husband and she said yes " we have been dating for a few weeks" ( he was working out of town) I asked if she knew he was married and she said NO he told me he was divorced and that your are a crazy ex.. I told the woman that I was his wife not his ex and we had just got married.. I confronted him and of course he lied thur his teethwell 9 years have past 15 affair later and we moved away to try to make our marriage work.. things were going good ( or I thought they were). my mother got really sick and I came home to take of her after her surgery and I was getting ready to go home when my father had a stroke.. so I stay to help him.. I told my husband that I was coming home and he said just take care of your parents... I made sure to tell him please don't be messing round because it's a very small town and everyone knows me..(and things were going good for us) he said " don't worry I would never hurt you that way again".. A few weeks pass and I called him after his fishing trip and he told me he has been unhappy for along time and he wants to be alone!!! so I find out he has been seeing someone while I was away taking care of my sick parents and now after all the other women, he never left before.Before I always forgave him because I was told to fight for my marriage and one day he would change.. Now he says he doesnt know what he wants... I'm so heart broken!!! someone please help me!!!
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affair, divorce, his ex, moved in, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hurtbeyondbelief +, writes (3 May 2011):
hurtbeyondbelief is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to thank y'all so much... I wanted yall to knw I have left him and packed all his things from our main home... he is telling me he doesn't want a divorce and please wait he is not sure what he wants... I told him I would make it easy for him... he could keep the woman he cheated this time with... and from what most people in that small town have told me she is the biggest town hoe!! so he may get what he deserves from her... thank y'all again I'm not saying it's going to be easy but I will survie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): The others have made very good points. This is the way he is. Don't spend any more of your life letting him mistreat you, and don't let this be the example your kids see as what a marriage is like. Let them have a mother who stands up for herself and them, to take them out of this damaging situation. You still have the rest of your life to live.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 May 2011):
You need to divorce him, because his actions over 9 years have shown that he can't be trusted. the best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. If you can't live with his cheating, then you need to end this marriage and get away from him. there's only so much you can take. "Before I always forgave him because I was told to fight for my marriage and one day he would change.. "Either whoever told you this is very naive about your particular situation, or else you misinterpreted the well-meaning advice. The advice to fight for one's marriage is good advice but in a very general way. There are limits to which it makes sense to apply this advice. In your case, you can't fight for a marriage that doesn't even exist anymore. Your marriage doesn't truly exist because your husband has shown repeatedly that he doesn't want this marriage, he's already out the door in mind and spirit, just that he's too lazy or weak to get his physical self out the door. it sounds like your husband is just using you. If he wanted to sleep around or date other women, he could certainly divorce you but he didn't, he chose to keep you around because even though he doesn't want to be committed to you, or doesn't feel committed to you, he's still getting something from the marriage. The whole reason he even proposed to you in the first place was self-serving (so he could keep his kids, not because he actually wanted you as a wife and life partner) so it's not a surprise that the rest of the marriage there on after is characterized by his selfishness.Another fallacy in the advice you were given (or in your interpretation of it) is that you can guarantee that your partner will change, 'if only' you do this or that for long enough. There are no guarantees in this world (except death and taxes). The belief that you can change someone else, really destroys people's lives, in this case your own. It's good to give it a try, even an honest and sustained effort, but when there is a history of it not working, at some point you have to see the truth for what it is. it sounds like you feel guilty or to blame for the way he treats you and his total lack of commitment. that if only you would keep giving and giving without receiving anything in return, some day he will change into the kind of husband you want him to be. this won't happen. you can see the proof in the history of this marriage. No one can say you didn't try hard enough to save your marriage, now it's time to put the responsibility on him and not on yourself.If he is to change, he has to want to change. No amount of your giving and forgiving will guarantee that anything inside him will change, since up til now it hasn't. It sounds like he himself doesn't know what he wants or needs, and if he doesnt' know what he wants or needs from a relationship/marriage, then there's no way that you can do the "right" thing that will make him change.since this is the way things are and have been for so long, I really think you should leave him so as to stop this pain, you have suffered enough, it's time to stop allowing him to use you and take advantage you.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 Your mistake was giving him a chance after he'd changed so drastically, after he'd lied to you again and again. Do you still love him?You are supposed to fight for your marriage but how can you when your partner is running away? You need to get out of this and find some peace. No doubt you are incredibly distraught from it all, nine years with someone who mistreated you so harshly. I don't think he's ever known what he wants. He got into the habit of cheating on you because you seemed to allow it and forgive him every time. This isn't a marriage you can fight for, it's not a marriage at all. I get why you would give him so many chances, but you need to realize he isn't worth anymore of your time or anymore of your devotion. There are men out there who will treat you better, who won't lie to you. Your forgiving when you care about someone and some people need that forgiveness, for things that deserve it, not for things like what this man has done. Don't let him wound you like this anymore.I hope that helps.
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