A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for over 12 years. During this time, my husband has been unfaithful, or has tried to be unfaithful, numerous times. He has a lot of fidelity issues and the person I once considered my best friend is not the same. During all his infidelity I have stood by him, tried to work it out. He maintains it's not my fault, he just wants numerous sex partners and he has resented I haven't allowed this (he has done a few things that are very hard to forgive, but I have tried to forgive and move on, to work on us only to have him go back to the unfaithful ways). I have worked on us, and myself so he won't wander, but I'm always met with heartache. In the past 3 years or so, I have felt that though I love him, he is the father of my children, and a good man, my love is not the same. In the 13 years we've been together I have never cheated or have been tempted to cheat (though I understand temptation is not bad or uncommon). Anyway, in the past 1 1/2 I have become friends with a man overseas. We will most likely never meet. We met on a emotional health forum. The moment I read something he wrote, I felt instantly he and I would be friends, and we were. It was all very innocent, though I felt very soon after knowing him that I had a crush on him. I felt guilty because he is also married. I feel like I'm like one of those women that my husband has been involved with. Over time,it accidentally came to light that we both had a crush on each other. It hasn't gone very far. He and I talk a few times a week, or less. I have disclosed to him that I feel guilty that I contact him, he being married and he and I having feelings for each other. I know that there is a part of me that loves a part of him. Not sure if it's friendship love or the start of romantic love. I just know that I love having him in my life. I hope that things work out for my husband and I, and I hope that he and his wife become happier together, but I really don't want to lose his friendship. Just to know he's ok in this world is enough for me. I want his wife to love him and take care of him, because I want him to have a good life. Even if things were to not work out with my husband and I, I would never want to intrude on their lives. I want him to find happiness.Recently, I have grown a backbone and told my husband I will not tolerate this behaviour of his any longer. He has agreed to seek treatment. I hope it works out for us. I still want to be friends with my friend, because really that is all we are, though we do know we feel more than just friends, and at times wonder about how it would be for us to meet, we know it's not happening. I feel great guilt. I miss having love in my life and respect. The past 13 years my love has been abused. Recently I disclose to my friend that I may or may not be married after all (he has asked on occasion if I can stay with my husband after all he's done). My friend has now become a bit distant. He doesn't think I should feel guilty about our feelings, but I think he is not being honest with himself. He has now been more aloof. More sad. Oddly I mentioned to my husband that my friend has seem distant to me lately, and he said he thinks that my friend is in love with me and knows it can never be and so has tried to take a step back. Should I feel guilty? Can my friend and I remain friends, even if we know we may have deeper feelings or at least what could lead to deeper feelings? Is it wrong to have feelings for someone if you never act on them or talk about them? I am committed to my marriage. I do admit if he and I were both single, I would see where it would go, but I don't want to ruin my marriage, his marriage or our friendship on something that will not be or that could hurt so many people.
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best friend, crush, infidelity, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009): you accuse your hb of cheating and yet you have no qualms about cheating with this other married man. you are a 3rd party in his marriage. it is time to get out of his marriage. your marriage may be almost over but what has this other mans wife done to you that you are in the process of destroying her home. you know the hurt, betrayal affairs cause be it emotional or sexual yet you have invaded this other mans life. it is time for you to take a harsh look at yourself and reason question yourself. stop fooling yourself, you should feel guilty because you are. you have become the other woman in this mans marriage. and you know it. you cry wolf about your hb's infidelity yet you deliberately destry another home. speaks volumes about you and your "friend".
A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (9 July 2009):
 Your relationship with this other person seems to have given you the confidence to confront your husband which led to him getting help for his behaviour. If your relationship is saved because of this connection with this other person then I can't see how you have done anything wrong as a truely good outcome has been achieved without hurting anyone. I'd be Interested to know why you mentioned this to your husband as he may see your connection as no different to his own physical affairs. Now that you have done this it is unlikely that you will be able to continue such a friendship as your husband can throw this back at you. Would be interesting to hear why you divulged this to him.
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