A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneSo my ex an i broke up around Oct. of 09 so about 5 months ago and we had a really bad break up the thing it was like wishy washy he sort of said i cant give you what you need and then i said we should break up he just said okay and after that we still saw eachother in class for about 2 months until mid december all of that time he had a girlfriend i asked him if he did he denied it then come end of dec. he is ringing me telling me about his personal life and saying that he misses me and loves me he, he did this for a couple of days then i just told him he was being rediculous after he said lets just be friends and i guess he got mad and i havent really talked to him since. I talked to his new girlfriend recently and thats a long story but to make it short she said "Our relationship is based off of lies" and i really dont know what that means why would she say that? And i guess to me it seems like shes not really looking for real love either she just wants someone to hang out with everyday and have someone to call but they both want that without having to be really committed. Any takes on that?Since he moved on pretty quickly most people told me it was a rebound but i read up on it and i read that rebounds carry very intense feelings and no matter what this person does, says, bad habits they may have like smoking, the rebounder feels like their intensly in love with a new person and so sometimes they can carry out for a long time even if that person isnt the true object of there affection and they may not realize that until maybe even a year later.Anyway, i've dissapearred from his life and im doing fine but some days are better than others somedays i wake up and i miss having someone saying good morning or something to call and talk about things with and it just makes me wonder how can someone who as in deeply apart of your life for 1 and half years and that you had a deep relationship with just stop talking to you? i guess in a way its only been about 1 month since we have talked and not seen eachother completely, im just having trouble coping with the fact that he doesnt even ask how im doing i guess this is because he has a new infatuation. But while we were together he told me stories about a girl he was with for 2 years and that she would email him and say that she missed him and that he completely ignored her and she would say things like i hope i can see you before you go away to college and he just said yea and had no intentions of seeing her but it seems as though she has reason to care about him they were together for 2 years and he said he just ignored her and went on with life i told him that was pretty messed up. And he said he broke up with her because he just wasnt feeling it anymore but to me that gives him no right to just leave her in the dust. So now it seems as though he is doing the same thing to me but he doesnt ignore me if i talk to him he will talk to back but i want him to be the one to iniciate things, i guess i should give it some time and not assume that he is intentionally ignoring me maybe im taking it the wrong way but what i do know is that he will expect me to care about his life just like people in the past so maybe i should do the opposite?Also when i talked to him end of decemeber he said when we broke up that he "told himself we werent meant to be together and that we wouldnt be together" he admitted he was confused and i dont think confusing just goes away within a couple of weeks.Ive written on here a couple times and never gotten a real answer to the questions i ask so im just looking for real advice, from what ive wrote does he have some sort of pattern with relationships or something? And what do you think he is really trying to get out of this new one?
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female
reader, jc82 +, writes (24 February 2010):
 It sounds like he uses vague responses to keep girls on the hook, most likely so that he can keep his options open for the future. Its a kind of relationship insurance, he pays a small amount of positive attention to you every once in a while, because he thinks one day, he might have sexual or emotional needs that need fulfilling, and he may want to turn to you for them. Mostly, he just isn't sure of exactly what he wants, probably.
He broke up with you in a very confusing vague way, perhaps because his feelings were also confusing and vague; but the important thing to note is that you DID break up, and he DID move on. You asked what we think he is trying to get out of his new relationship? No one can answer that but him really, but objectively, he wants her to be his girlfriend, and wants everything that goes along with that.
I would recommend that you try to not let his confusion be contagious. Know how you feel, what you want, and then make decisions based on that regarding him. If you want to be close friends with him, tell him that and try to maintain a friendship. If he doesn't respond to your bid for friendship, then there is nothing else you can do. Stop talking to his current girlfriend, you can't really trust things that she says, and it just encourages you to remain involved in what is really now a dead relationship.
You would do best to be thankful for the time you had with him, remember him fondly, and make an effort to find someone new. Like he has done. You can hope for friendship with him, but you can't force it. Good luck to you!
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