A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really need to talk about this. Please don't judge me. I know I'm a idiot for getting into this mess. I have been sleeping with an older married man (49). I stopped all contact with him a few weeks ago, as I missed my period. I then went to the Dr in hope that their would be a different reason. The Doctor confirmed I'm pregnant. I already have a 5 year old to my ex. So this is my 2nd pregnancy. I do not under any circumstances believe in abortion. So no way would I. I have ignored any contact the Father has tried making. I honestly don't think I should even tell him. How can I, when he's married? I believe I would be protecting him if I continue to keep my distance and say nothing. Then if anyone asks I could say it was a one night stand. I know my child will need an explanation and I'm willing to explain when they are older. This is my own making now I need to work out what would be for the best.
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abortion, married man, my ex, one night stand, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (9 August 2016):
 OP, make sure he doesn't keep your child a secret from his wife - this isn't so she knows he cheated (though it will obviously do that), but so that your child doesn't grow up being hidden by their father; it'll make them feel like he's ashamed of them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2016): I have a child I am raising fatherless. I have always been open and honest in age appropriate ways to him. The fact is my child has never been resentful about me and hasn't felt like he missed out. A child has a right to know both parents however in my opinion, you have a right to protect yourself more. I did what I felt was best (though it was hard) and i don't regret it for a moment. My child is free to find his dad (I have offered to help) and thus far he is not in the least bothered.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments. Well I have now contacted him again. I sent him a message saying we need to talk. He then called me straight back asking what was wrong and I told him. He is now coming over tonight after work. I guess this is a can of worms I can't close.
But I know, I had to tell him.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (9 August 2016):
 His marriage and infidelity is for him and his wife to deal with. Your responsibility and his is to your child. Tell him and expect not much more that financial support.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2016): Every child has the right to have two active and involved parents in her/his life.
Your child didn't pick his/her father, YOU did; it is extremely unfair and selfish of you to even consider denying the father the opportunity to be in his child's life if he so chooses regardless of the circumstances of conception, and if he doesn't then your child still has the right to receive as much financial support as the father is able to pay.
"I need to work out what would be for the best."
What would be for the best is what is best for your child, NOT what is most expedient or convenient for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 August 2016):
 I think he has the "right" to know that you are pregnant by him and that you intend on keeping it.
And your CHILD has a right to a father. To know WHO his father is. Even if the guy wants nothing to do with either of you.
YOU still have the RIGHT to financial aid from him to raise this child.
You CHOSE to have unprotected sex with a married man, you CHOSE to keep the baby. Saying that you aren't tell him to "protect him" is bogus an you know it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2016): Oh no no no! He needs to know, and his wife needs to know.
He can't just dump this responsibility on you. I will not judge you; because there are two people involved in this affair. He's the married one, deceiving his wife and living a double-life. If you're deciding to have the child; he should know, and has every right to know. As well as his wife.
Too many children are brought into this world not knowing who fathered them. It's very selfish to lie to them or deny them the details of how they come about. Leaving it up to them to search and search at some point in their lives; when the biological father takes no responsibility for anything.
These irresponsible deadbeat sperm donors count on women to just let them go; while they live their lives pretending these children don't exist. There is a lot of crime and killing; because of angry resentful boys abandoned by their fathers. The world has seen just about enough of gangs and career criminals. Many having one common factor. The absence of a male role-model, or a father who gives a damn. Put the child's needs first. The child is both your financial responsibility, unless you're an heiress.
That child is entitled to a birthright, inheritance, and child-support. Too many guys are let off the hook. Don't do it for yourself. Do it for the child. Whatever comes of that lie of a marriage he has is his fault.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2016): Well you know what happens when you play with fire, you get burned.
You made the choice to get into bed with an married man now you have to deal with the consequences.
You have to tell your babies father and let him make his decision too.
Imagine the consequences when your kid is older and finds out you never even told their Dad! One day they will want to know.
You were old enough to dance with the devil, your old enough to deal with the consequences. Do the right thing for your child and tell the truth. Does he already have children? If he does, you would be happy to deprive them of another brother or sister too? You and their Father did wrong. Mot them and not your unborn baby. Do the right thing. Time to stop thinking about yourself.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (8 August 2016):
 His wife needs to know about this. The life of the child is paramount and the fact that a married man got you pregnant, maybe unfortunate, but his wife and him need to know that. What happens to him does not matter because your child needs transparency. Are you to blame? Sure, but so is him and time for blame has passed here. It maybe uncomfortable for everyone but, regrettably, that is just how it is. Everyone needs to know if this. This is what happens to people who think that their orgasm is more important then what it causes.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 August 2016):
 And just to add, why would you “protect” an adult who is perfectly capable of making his own choices, to the detriment of an infant who is completely dependent on the adult who brought her/him into the world in the first place? Again, it makes no sense.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 August 2016):
Your child is also HIS child and deserves the best resources that BOTH parents can bring to raise it.
His marriage didn’t prevent him or you from having an affair. Why should it prevent you from lying to him about being pregnant? Yes, I said lying. It’s lying by omission.
The only individual in this equation requiring “protection” is the child, assuming all goes well with the pregnancy and you bring it to term.
Plenty of married men have acknowledged the children borne by women who are not their wives. They’ve accepted the consequences of their extra-marital affairs.
Why would you disadvantage your child? This doesn’t make any sense.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (8 August 2016):
 The child is his and he has a say in whether he you wants a relationship with the child or not (the abortion or not is yours however) He is the father and if you chose to have the child, the child has a right to know who their father is and to have a relationship (or not)Imagine if you were your kid, would you want to know who your father is ? If your mother kept secrets, wouldnt you grow up to resent her if you knew the truth?You cant change what has happened but you can change the future. You have been sleeping with a married man. Now you have a child with a married man who probably has no intention of marrying you. But you owe everything to this child (if you chose to keep him and you stated you have) to make his/her life right. The child deserves to know who their father is. He/she deserves to be treated fair and right. Regardless of the mistake of their mother and father.To lie and say you got him/her from a one night stand is slap to the child's face and disgrace about who she/he is and how they were concieved. Respect YOUR to-be new born and stop the nonsense and start acting like an adult. Everyone pays a price for their action. Yours is to make sure everyday you make your kids live their lives right.
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