A
female
age
36-40,
*helabean
writes:I have been dating this guy for a year now. I am 23 and he is 36. I know that his past relationship was serious and his girlfriend left him because her father wanted her to marry someone with money. I have been extremely patient with him. It took him about 7 months to kiss me. I was and still am the one who initiates each kiss. He has gotten a little better and usually gives me a peck when we are done hanging out. He loves holding my hand. Durning dinner, in the car, watching movies. He calls me babe/baby. (he doesn’t use those names for anyone else.) He always pays when we have dinner. He talks a lot about going on a roadtrips and getting a hotel.We have never had sex. I have tried to turn him on and his usually response is that he has “intimacy issues” We have messed around but only 3 times. The first two times were before we started kissing so that was a little awkward but still nice. Just recently he let me spend the night for the first time and told me “see i’m melting.” He usually apologizes for being so cold.The thing that is REALLY hard for me is that he only wants to hang out once or twice a week. But every other night he calls me and we talk for a couple hours and/or we play Words With Friends (scrabble) on our phones all night. I have mentioned that I would like to see him more and his response is that he is tired from work. It really irks me that he would rather be home watching TV than being with me. Iv’e said plenty of times “you can stay the night” and he replies either with a “i know” or “I will.”Twice he has told my Godmother that I am “the best thing that’s ever happened to him.” He also wants me to have dinner with him and his parents. Last night we went to the park, drank beer, and cuddled for 5 hours. It was great. I told him I love being with him and he said “aww good.” I kissed him a couple times and tried to make out with him but he starts to act weird. I asked why he doesn’t kiss me more and he said “sorry I am so cold.”I could go on but I don’t want to go over board. I guess I just want to know what to do next. I love him ( i haven’t told him yet) Things have been moving so SLOWLY which I have been patient but I am getting tired. and when he doesn’t want to kiss me or have sex it frustrates me so much. I have told him that he drives me crazy and that this is hard for me and he says “i know” I just need a reason to be hopeful about this relationship. or is it stupid to continue this relationship at all?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Not wanting you to feel alone.. I have to agree with Tisha 100% including that book A FINE ROMANCE... it's a great book... read it years ago.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Hi Chelsey, I think your question sounds like a good one to ask him. It signals that you want more intimacy from him and are prepared to be patient.
The thing that worries me is that his depression may not actually be managed. If he spends all his time alone and only has you, his life is extremely unbalanced. You don't want to be his therapist, this isn't the way to a mutually satisfying romantic relationship.
It's been a year that you've been dating. If he's successfully treated for his depression, I think you two would be in a different place in the relationship than you are now.
I would ask your question and then be prepared to move on, if you get a wishy-washy or non-answer. That's a sign he's not ready for what you want.
Keep us posted on how it goes.
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A
female
reader, Chelabean +, writes (11 October 2011):
Chelabean is verified as being by the original poster of the question Tisha,Thank you for writing me. I'm beginning to wonder if he's gay as well. Do you think there is a way I can ask him if he is without scaring him away?I know he does not have erectile disfunction because we have messed around basically doing everything but sex. I tried to ask him more about his past relationship and he said that he didn't want to talk about it and that he if he ever saw her father he would probably get into a fight.He has told me several times that he is getting out of a deep depression and that he hasn't felt this good in a long time. He doesn't have much of a social life (only with me) and he stays home a lot. Im scared for him if I break up with him because I don't want him to get depressed again. I've been thinking that I'm going to ask him if it's stupid for us to continue dating. and ask him if he's ever going to be able to kiss me passionately. If he says yes then I can be a little more patient. I just really don't want to loose him right now. :(Thank you again,Chelsey
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
I'd say that after a year, at his age, he knows whether or not he wants to be intimate with you. Based on what you've written, I think there is some impediment to his being able to do this.
One thought I had is that he's gay, but doesn't want to be. He tries to be a boyfriend but can't get past the initial phases.
Do you know his ex? Is there any way you could confirm his side of the story? I'll bet there's something more to the breakup than her father wanting her to drop him.
Another thought is that he has a medical condition that precludes him getting an erection and rather than disclose this to you, he's just avoiding being in a situation where this will become obvious to you.
Another is that he has some OCD type syndrome that prevents him from getting physically intimate because it is upsetting to him.
Another is that he has some moral or religious code that mandates waiting until marriage, but that seems negated by the previous girlfriend and the fact that he hasn't been clear about that when you've talked about it.
We could speculate all day, I guess, but the point is that you need to decide if you want to get to the bottom of why he won't proceed.
If you've been dating for a year, I think it's fair and reasonable to ask him. Do you feel comfortable asking direct questions of him?
I have a book that helped me understand the development of relationships; it's an old one that is really easy to find used. "A Fine Romance, the passage of courtship from meeting to marriage" by Judith Sills, Ph.D. I think it will help you see past this sticking point.
I would suggest that you sit him down and talk to him about this. Being clear about what you want isn't a bad thing at all. I know it is scary to be honest and open about it but it's worth it.
"George, I have very strong feelings for you and am ready to take the relationship to the next level, which means making love. I am getting the strong impression that you are avoiding physical intimacy. Is there something we need to discuss, something I should know?"
Sadly, I think it sounds like a deep-seated issue and that you would be better off moving on.
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A
female
reader, Chelabean +, writes (11 October 2011):
Chelabean is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I would just like some thoughts on whether or not this relationship sounds like a waste of time or if I should continue to pursue this guy.
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