A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year now and between then we have had several arguments about discussing our needs and what we want from the relationship. He has a busy life working 3 part time jobs (All 3 hours each every day) as well as basketball, keeping up with friends and his hobbies (gaming). Whereas to myself, I have 2 part time jobs and study at university and having gaming and fitness as a hobby too. We try to compromise time with each other, I usually leave 2 hours of chatting after work (between 8:30pm and 10:30pm) sacrificing my gaming time to just chat to him one on one without distraction, whereas he multi-tasks between 2 games plus our chats and I find that a bit disrespectful because I had already brought it up twice that I just wanted 1-2 hours of chatting time one on one with no distractions and he said he gets distracted after 1-2 minutes waiting for a reply and I reply back instantly but I can tell he isn't holding his end of the deal, his still multi-tasking his games, but he says he always puts our conversations on the forefront of his games, which he does, he replies back instantly sometimes and other times not.I had also had an argument with him about him being more open with me and commented that I failed since I didn't open him up myself. I told him I can lead by example and be very patient (I have been for a year) but cannot make him open up. He said he would try to be more open with me and he has slightly, Im not rushing him.Not only that but after reflecting on our arguments, I noticed within myself I am trying to fill my own emotional void with him. I feel like I am expecting him to fill it for me and I know this isn't possible. I procrastinate a lot on my university studies just waiting for him to message me throughout the day but he has stopped messaging me good mornings and having idle chit chat throughout the day and waits until he gets home. A part of me thinks he doesn't love me anymore and is getting frustrated with me expressing my concerns or feelings after he had told me to tell him as he believes not saying anything would ruin the relationship. I did tell him my concerns but he ignored them a couple of times which led me to resenting him. I told him last night I felt resentment towards him and he even ignored that and spoke about something else. Then I told him outright it was because he ignores my concerns even though he told me to tell him. We both got angry last night at each other and we haven't spoken since.A part of me feels like these arguments are caused by my lack of fulfillment in life. I got jealous because he is leading the life I want, he is earning money through gaming passively and creating his dreams whereas I feel stuck. Im studying to become a psychologist and takes YEARS, between then I had been making my resume look nice with skills and work experience. He seems like he has his life sorted, he is working towards what he wants to do, which is to earn passive money, own housing and apartments to make more passive money and I feel like I am going no where. In saying this, the resentment, jealously and unfulfillment I feel feels like I am impacting the relationship we have with my lack of fulfillment and the other emotions I mentioned.I feel like the best thing to do would be to break it off for awhile until I got myself in a better position where I felt great about myself and where I'm going, my priorities etc. He has been supportive of my goals and helpful and feel like its unfair that I am being this way. But knowing him he would get hurt and sad if I broke it off with him, not only that he wouldn't prioritise me as much. He had said before he wasn't looking for friends with me and if I choose to be friends with him then I wouldn't get much replies back from him because he is a lazy texter. I felt really sad he told me this, I felt like he was creating an ultimatum, either be with me or you will lose me forever.Losing him would be like losing my best friend or my no.1 cheerleader. I know he has been trying hard to make this work between us but I don't want to keep relying on him to make me happy and loved and fulfilled all the time. Ill lose track of my own goals and my prioritizes. He does try to make me happy and loved but I realise its my own fault, I should be loving myself.I don't know what to do? Should I take a break from him for awhile to get myself sorted or should I let it go? Am I in the wrong?
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female
reader, Tinacandida  +, writes (31 August 2021):
 Concentrate on your studies to get where you want to be in your life. You could be holding him back. If youre not getting the attention you need from him it will certainly have a massive impact on your relationship. Sometimes if you come across as being needy they may see this as a sign of weekness and take advantage and get complacement. But i think he is so busy doing his own thing that you may have to get busy doing your own thing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2021): From what you've said, you're a person easily distracted; but not everyone is good at "multitasking." In fact, multitasking is not a good practice; something gets underperformed, and you can't clearly and efficiently concentrate on several different things at the same time. You may feel you're doing well; but the quality of your work decreases. You'll accomplish a lot; but it's usually chocked full of errors, things missing, and sometimes the final product is a total mess. You might get one out of a few things properly done. Your brain gets exhausted quicker, thus your focus is off.
Gaming is different, but still requires skill. Not everyone can master gaming and actually earn money from it. You have to be pretty good. You called it casual-earning; but any job or entrepreneurial endeavor requires commitment and
serious effort. He seems more organized with his time. If you're good enough to make money gaming; you are unusually skilled and qualified enough for competition. Your boyfriend seems to have goals and ambitions, and nobody has the right to criticize his means of fulfilling them. Even if gaming is the way.
He isn't neglecting his responsibilities in the process; and a relationship isn't really much of an option when you're neglecting your college studies.
You are wasting time and money by neglecting your schoolwork. He doesn't waste his time on idle chit-chat; but regulates his time, while you're doing your best to distract him for attention...because you don't regulate your own time, or you don't know how to prioritize and organize your tasks. Follow his lead. Not by doing everything he does, but how he manages his time.
Procrastination is a bad-habit. Neglecting your schoolwork to worry about a boyfriend and beg for attention is going to set you back. You'll flunk-out, or make mediocre grades. Anything that pulls you of-course, has to go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2021): You say that you don't want to rely on him to make you happy, but that is exactly what you're doing. And driving him away in the process.
Do you not realise that when you make unreasonable requests of people that you drive them away? When you moan all the time, you become unattractive company?
The answer to your problem lies within you. And you know what the problem is. The question is, why don't you follow your own advice?
If someone wanted me to give up something I wanted to do, EVERY evening to spend it texting for TWO hours, whilst I'm not allowed to do anything else, I would be gone!!
You are too demanding of this man. For his attention and his time. You want him to hold you up in life, whilst you ignore his wants and needs. I'm surprised he's still around! To be honest, I don't think he will be much longer.
Take care of your own issues and stop using others as a sticking plaster for your own problems. DO what you only talk about. Get on with your life, the way he is getting on with his and stop resenting him, just because you can't get your act together!
The most attractive people are the ones who try in life to make themselves happy and not rely on others to do it for them. That is a recipe for disaster.
He sounds as if he really likes/liked you. You are destroying any feelings he has for you with your clingy behaviour.
Sort yourself out before you start dating again. Get therapy and learn how to be happy independently. Your boyfriend was NOT put on this earth to be your cheerleader for goodness sake. You have to your OWN cheerleader in this world. THEN you will ready to date and be an attractive proposition for someone long term.
I'm not sure you'll actually have the problem of whether to dump him or not. I think your behaviour has made that decision for HIM.
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