A
male
age
30-35,
*att - 9243
writes:Hello helpers,In a nutshell, this is my first serious relationship, and I have been unhappy with certain parts of it for a long time. Yet, I don't feel like it's bad enough to end it, and I'm pessimistic about finding another girl any time soon. I also know that she would be incredibly sad if I were to end it. So, simple as possible, what should I do?I'm 18 and started dating this girl when I was 16. She's a few months older. We were both at an English-speaking school in Santiago, Chile. For about a year I absolutely loved her, and had very little to complain about. Unfortunately, this meant that we spent too much time together, and although we both enjoyed it, I started to become disconnected from my other friends. A lot of our troubles (as I see it) started when she found out that she would be moving to Uruguay at the end of 11th grade. So, suddenly our wonderful little relationship had an ending date that neither of us could control. Unable to accept that, I started getting, well, perhaps unrealistic. I imagined that we could try to keep things going long distance (Uruguay is a two hour flight that costs a little less than 200 dollars each way). I thought that if we could get through the year apart before high-school was over, we could go to colleges somewhere close by in the States (we're both American, and were heading there anyways). I eventually confessed this to her, and, to my surprise, she said she'd been thinking about it as well.We agreed to try. Then, after she left but before she started at her new school, she went to do a theater program at Vassar. She loves acting, and was having the time of her life at Vassar. I did not have the greatest time hearing about it, and was feeling quite depressed with her gone and me stuck with the pretty lousy social situation I'd gotten myself into. Slowly one thing after another happened at Vassar that pissed me off. One night she came on Skype with a hickey on her neck. I froze up, waited for her to say something about it, some kind of explanation, and then she covered it up with her hair. So I asked, and then she showed it and said a girl gave it to her in a truth or dare game. My suspicion ended up with a fight and a trust lecture. Then she made out with a girl on stage, then she smoked pot (something that I'd relentlessly tried to stop her from doing before, and thought I'd talked her out of... apparently she completely forgot). And, finally, she got the leading role for a play, which I asked her about for a week, and then she revealed that she'd rehearsed it for the first time and that it involved her kissing another guy... a lot. I was in huge shock, and then she dumped me. I then had probably the most terrible two months of my life, hating her, trying to get things together, trying to look past it, and ultimately succeeding. We spoke about twice in this whole time, and very superficially. I put myself together, or, survived and was finally happy. And then she came back to our school to play in a soccer tournament. She turned up at my house one afternoon, said she still loved me, cried a lot, and said that the last few months of her life had be terrible and that she'd made a horrible mistake in breaking up. Things got much better that week - we'd missed each other - and decided to visit each other. During that week she stopped eating meat again (I'm a vegetarian, she became one too, and then stopped when she went to Uruguay), she stopped smoking weed, said she'd been faking happiness in the few times we talked online, and made me feel very sorry for her. I also realized how much I still loved her. After she visited for a second time, we very seriously considered getting back together. We'd been getting along and having sex, but weren't so comfortable with "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" just yet. I didn't want to commit because acting "makes her feel like [she's] worth something", and acting for girls these days means kissing boys or... well, not getting roles. I was very unlikely to ever be O.K. with that, and never after what happened. She talked me into though because she won't be doing any serious acting in Uruguay - there's nothing there - but we didn't agree on anything for later. Except that, this couldn't go on through college.I feel used, but I love her too much to say "Fuck you, stop using me." I can't get into a better relationship here because I'm still with her. She's not getting into another relationship, which she says is because, mentally, she just can't picture herself with other guys. When we go to college, there's a very good chance (not by our intent) that we'll be closer geographically than we are now, and if her being attached to me is really the reason she's not seeing other people, then when are things ever going to change? I get the impression that I'm just waiting around for her to make-out with another guy on stage, or to dump me when she can find someone better in college. Like I'm going to stick through a long-distance relationship when I could be seeing other girls, and then as soon as she can act/see other guys, we'll break up. Should I dump her or take the risk?Thanks for reading.
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male
reader, Matt - 9243 +, writes (10 March 2011):
Matt - 9243 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for the responses guys. Very helpful to hear your opinions.
Today I brought up with her (not for the first time or anything) some of my discomforts about her acting in the future. We also talked about how we're having a long-distance relationship now, and will have to have one for a pretty long time if we want to stay together. It wasn't a pleasant conversation, and I started it when I wasn't in a good mood, but we needed to have it and I think she would agree about that. She said she'd been thinking of the same things too for the last few days, but had been happy otherwise. We'll still talk, but we agreed that what we have just can't work out, as much as we both wish it could. My gut feeling tells me she's not angry, but she is sad - so am I.
This post might not have made much sense, I'm pretty tired right now and I'm summarizing a fair bit.
Thanks again for the help guys.
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (2 March 2011):
 It's not about risk-taking. Relationships are not an investment portfolio. The question is whether you love her.
We all make mistakes. She has made her share, and may make more. That said, the sense I get out of your story is that she does have strong feelings for you.
You on the other hand, are thinking of her as an investment - wondering whether you could add other securities to your portfolio rather than keeping this one.
Assess your own feelings - if this is the woman you love, isn't it worth a little pain for a future which she also beleives in, of being happy together in the future?
If on the other hand, you aren't sure, it might be best to release her. She may well find she can do better.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Well what you really need to think about is her acting career, to me it sounds like it is something she loves to do and will probably try her hardest to get a career out of it. Which if thats what she wants good for her. But acting does involve getting close to other males on stage, and you need to really ask yourself can you handle that? It sounds to me like you cant therefore if you cant see yourself coping long term with her acting career then you are far better to end it now because you are only setting yourself up for a big fall. So if you cant see yourself being comfortable with her acting with other guys then yes my advice is to finish it. Because if you found it hard her kissing another guy on stage then you will find it even worse if she gets a big part somewere down the line and it involved nude scenes or intimate scenes with another guy.
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