A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been friends with this woman for about 13 years now. We met when we were 16, and she's been one of my closest friends ever since. However, in 2011 we went on vacation together, and all of the things I dislike about her came too close and it was too much. Back then I wrote to DC to ask for advice as well, but more to get it off my chest because I didn't know what to do. I avoided her for the following year of 2012 just because I couldn't stand the way she behaved, and I just had too much of it. I moved cities, and a few months ago she also moved, so we're in the same city again now. At first I was happy, but then seeing her more often just made me see clearly again just how selfish she is.She is very selfish in many ways. For example she expects me to do everything she wants, help her with everything for free without EVER returning the favor. She's not once been there for me when I needed her. I recently asked her if she could bring a few small items with her back to our home city, as she's traveling there for Christmas. She said no without even hearing what the items were (two envelopes), complaining she wouldn't have room. Even after hearing what the items were, she still said no. I thought many times about ending the friendship, but she contacts me regularly to catch up and hear how things go, and being social is nice. But she never hesitates to ditch our plans if they ever become slightly inconvenient for her (as in, having to travel for 45 minutes instead of 30). She doesn't mind ME having to travel the exact same distance to see her, though, but just says it too inconvenient for her to come see me.... And all these years I've been the one to go see her, despite her having a car and me having to take the bus! I don't mind traveling to meet friends, friends are important to me. But when it's one sided, it gets to me. One time she asked me over to visit her, and I spent a total of 1 1/2 hour traveling back and forth when she had a car that would have taken her 20 minutes. And this was all for me DOING HER HAIR, as I found out when I arrived, and I was there with her for an hour and then she told me I had to leave as she had another friend coming over (and I was not invited to hang out with them).I thought about just letting things drift apart, and only have sporadic contact with her. But it doesn't seem fair after being friends for so many years. I thought I owe it to her to be honest about how I feel, and see if she is willing to make changes. I have tried to meet her for the past three weeks, but she's unwilling to alter her "so important" schedule for meeting me. She only has time to meet at a very specific time of the week, and it needs to be on her terms, as usual, and her choice of time and place is not ideal for such a serious conversation (and it also means I will have to sit around and wait for her for about an hour, but me wasting my time is naturally not a concern of hers). This exact way of behaving is part of why I feel resentful towards her. I give more than I get in return, and it's draining me. When she moved to my city I offered to help her find an apartment, I went to meet with a landlord for her sake, across the city! It's not like that was convenient for me, it's something I did as a favor to her, but it's like she's oblivious to this fact. "Favor" is not a word in her vocabulary. So what do I do? Just let things drift apart without saying why, as talking about it with her seems impossible?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice. I keep coming back here to read it, and I also talked to my mother about it the other day. My friend texted me a couple days ago to say she couldn't meet up with me and some other friends to go shopping, but said she might have some time off between clients at work on Saturday. She works downtown, so said if I happen to be in town I could call her to see if she's available and we could have coffee.
I texted her back saying I was thinking of maybe going to a museum downtown, and she could join me there if she had free time. She wrote back that she wouldn't join me at a museum because the exhibit didn't interest her, and she would rather I came to her workplace. I wrote back that I wouldn't see her then, and wished her a merry christmas.
She took offense, and wrote back that I seemed cold and not interested in meeting her.
Lets just say.. it was the final straw. I told her back that she'd never go out of her way to meet me at my workplace -just in case- I would have 20 minutes spare time. She then wrote back that I am missing the point, she only wanted to meet if I happened to be in town. Yet she refuses to come see me at the museum, that will take her 5 minutes to get to? She then said it sound like I have the day off, so I should come see her, since she's so busy and all.
I am so done with this. I told her I work just as much as her, and she sure assumes a lot about what I ought to be spending my day off doing. I sure would not be spending it standing outside of her workplace -just in case- she got 20 minutes off to come see me.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 There is nothing wrong with letting "bad" friendships die.
Or ones you have outgrown.
IF you are making all the effort, then stop. Just like if you were with a romantic partner I would say "stop rowing the relationship boat and see where it goes"
STOP offering to do things for her.
stop going out of your way to meet her.
stop making more of an effort than she does.
you are not graded in life by how long you are friends with someone...
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (14 December 2014):
To be honest, if this happened to me I think I'd just let the frienship drift apart without guilt and without confrontation.
Friendships constantly evolve and change as people grow and change throughout their lives. So why feel guilty about the natural order of things.
She obviously doesn't regard your friendship the same way that you do so take a leaf out of her book and treat her the same way back.
Don't offer her favours and politely decline if she asks you for one. Go and visit her when YOU want to - if she suggests it and you don't want to, then make an excuse.
And don't feel guilty about it. She doesn't feel guilty when she treats you that way.
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A
male
reader, 1989mrz  +, writes (13 December 2014):
 She's using you ,make sure you tell her how you feel asap .
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 December 2014):
 You write: "..I thought about just letting things drift apart, and only have sporadic contact with her. But it doesn't seem fair after being friends for so many years."
Sooooo, YOU believe that you should be FAIR in your dealings with her..... BUT SHE doesn't seem to give a darn about being "fair" in her dealings with you....
WHO is your Number One person? If it's YOU... then you will convince yourself to put space between you and this "user."..... (and "fairness" be damned...)
Good luck...
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