A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I know my wife for more than 20 years and we are married for 13. I came to Spain 15 years ago. We have two kids and I am belieiving that our marrage is getting closer to an end.As I left my family and friends home when I came to Spain, I feel lonely and because I have always dedicated myself to my family I didnt make any friends here. Maybe because I am a foreigner, so they avcepted me less?? And I dont want to call up my parents, as they are 2000km away from me and I dont want them to be upset for me, hey cant help me. Maybe they can listen, but I want to spare them this.Still I have a lot of questions.1) if there would be a divorce and as she earn 3 times more than I do (always havs), wouldnt she then has to pay me a compensation each month? Or is it alwyas believed that the husband must do that?2) she suggested to rent a place and that we take turns of one week to live there. She tells me that we then can see if we still need eachother or not. Does his make sense??? i mean spending 1000€ a months of an appartment just to see if you like eachother?? She says that this is the best for the kidz, so they will not suffer if we then later could have a divorce.... i find this stupid, or am I wrong?3) is a divorce, can you force he partner o sell all the properties and split it 50%?? As I rather sell everything and buy a small house out of the city, she always says that it would be stpid to sell now ( crisis) and that she want to keep on living in the center of the city where we live.We do have discussions about all this. No force or so is i nvolved, just words. But what I dont understand is also that we still went to bed with eachtother the last days and then I hear this??? Am I used??I am mostly afraid that when we divorce, I will not survive, not emotionally as I am alone in a foreign country and also financially, My wage was mostly the money we saved in the bank, while hers was to spend (morgage, food,....)I need some advice as I really eel lonely and dont know what to do wih my life. If I didnt had my wo kids ( younger than 10) I would have taken my stuff and left back o my country. Now I cant, as I cant miss my kids, I just love them to much.Please advice me. Thx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThx Aunt honesty and anonymous writer. The words you both have given me really help me a lot!Both our properties are on both our names. But as she has family here and they have a lot of appartment I suppose that, if we seperate, she can always move into one of those and we can sell ours so we can split the money. the reason I want this is that, althought with less money, have spend my wage and time in creating these places. By for example always looking after the kids when she had to work late, etc.... I even waited to find a new job last year, so she could raise in hers and I was looking after the kids after school.Maybe I will propose here to see a counceller, who knows.Thx for the strong words, I know I am not the only one. Still it is a road I never thought I would see in life. It is scary and if you are alone it is worse I believe, especially if you are alone in a foreign country.thx again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): I'm not sure what the divorce laws are in your country, but in america at least the higher-earning spouse is the one who pays alimony to the lower-earning spouse. But then if the higher-earning spouse also has primary custody of the kids, then the lower earning spouse may have to pay some child support. so in the end it could cancel out and no one pays anyone anything. that is decided by the judge anyway. you need to ask a divorce lawyer in your country.
As for renting an extra apartment just to see if you still like each other. I think this is stupid. the fact that you're even discussing this means you no longer like each other enough to stay married. she wants a 'trial separation'. this means that you split up but not go all the way yet. Again, I feel it is stupid because a trial separation is NOT a divorce, it does not feel like a divorce, it's not even going to 'simulate' what a divorce feels like so it's not a good test. it's for people who are too chicken to make a decision one way or the other. Don't do it. it will just drag out the indecision longer.
besides, it sounds like you pretty much know that you want a divorce so what's the point of trying this?
as for missing your kids. Well, millions of couples divorce every year, and most of them have kids. So, you're certainly not the only guy who is feeling the pain of having to no longer live in the same house as his kids. I'm sorry but you're just going to have to get used to it and adapt, and your kids are going to have to adapt. It's been done by millions of fathers and kids, there's no reason you can't do it to.
As for being lonely. You will make new friends if you try. until now you neglected that area of your life, that's why you have no friends now. You have lived an unbalanced life so you just need to start looking outside your cocoon. Ask yourself if staying married to someone you dont' like, is really that much better than being divorced and on your own? that's sort of cowardly, dont' you think? Eventually you will make new friends and possibly also get a new girlfriend and get married again, most divorced people do. But none of this can happen until you first become divorced and on your own totally separate from your wife, because no new woman will want to get involved with you if you're still married or sitting on the fence about your marriage. it may be scary to be on your own, but ask yourself isn't it better to suffer on your own and grow stronger, than to hold yourself back out of fear and live forever a miserable life because you're too afraid to spend a few months or a few years on your own?
you're not alone, millions of people divorce every year. They can do it, so can you.
you need to talk to a divorce lawyer to answer your question about who pays money to whom. and to get a better idea of what your new life with your kids will look like.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 If you both feel that the marriage is over then I guess divorcee is the only way forward. As for selling the properties, it depends on who's name is on the deeds of the house, if it is joint then yes you can take her to court and allow the judge to decide on what best would happen. However if she is going to have the children in her care then this will be taking in to consideration and you will also be made to pay maintenance for your children more than likely. You and your wife should maybe try marriage counselling to see if things can be fixed between you both.
As for being lonely well you need to just start making more of an effort. Be more sociable, meet up with people, try to be friendly. Invite your parents to visit you, save money so you can visit them. But remember you are a growing man now, and as much as I am sure you love your family, your wife and your children should be your first priority now.
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