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anonymous
writes: I am totally in love with my best friend. We have known each other since we were teenagers. We dated in our teens and were each others first loves. When we broke up, we remained best friends. He moved away in his early 20's and got on with his life. And I mine, but we always stayed in touch. About a year after he moved, he called me to see how I was, and I was dating someone (who was the man I ended up marrying). He asked me if I was dating anyone and I said yes, I met someone at work...and his reply was don't do anything stupid like get married on me. I thought this was strange, since we were just friends. Fast forward 2 years...well the guy who I began dating...he and I got engaged. (We have now been married for over 20 years with 2 wonderful children). When I told my friend that I was engaged, he turned white as a ghost, and told me all of the reasons that I couldn't marry this person I was engaged to because, I dated him first, and that I was still in love with him...which I sat and was totally stunned. About a year later, my soon to be husband and me started having problems...because of his family...mother to be exact. Very nasty controlling person. Anyhow, my friend knew about the problems that we were having because of my soon to be mother-in-law, because I told him. Well he had and opportunity to move back to our home state for a job. He called me first and asked me what I thought. And I said whatever you feel you need to do. Next thing you know, he moved back. Well I talked to him about all of the problems that I was having with my son-to-be mother in law and he said well, if you really love this guy, only you can decide what to do, I can't tell you. Anyway, about two weeks before my wedding, I was at his house and he told me that he had to tell me something. It took him sometime, but he told me that he was in love with me and has always been. He said no matter how long I'm married it will always be me, and whomever he marrys he will always love me...I was stunned. Then I got totally confused...I was only 24 at the time and sometimes we make these life choices at that age, that later on when we get older we come to regret....because I knew deep in my heart that I WAS still in love with him...but was to afraid to tell him...so I went ahead with my wedding. He never came to my wedding, I had called his mother to ask her why, and she said that he was absolutely heartbroken that you married someone else. But she said, I kept telling him, if you really love her, then do something about it. Fast forward 20 something years. We lost touch for a while, but then got back in touch a few years ago. We are now both in our mid 40's both married with kids...and not happy in our current situations. We get together ever few months for lunch, coffee etc...the sad part...is I'm still in love with him and always have been. My marriage is OK...my husband and I have nothing in common but the children and have grown apart...we have gone to marriage counselling, but it really didn't help. Now my friend is hinting around for me to get divorced...he said to me if you are not happy why not do it now rather then later...he said if you wait another 10 year...then you'll be in your 50's. ..I'm sure you want to meet someone else. I said why are you so concerned on what I do with my marriage? I'm so confused...Does he love me as just a close friend or does he want more...he has hinted many times to me that he would want more if we were both single. I don't know what to do...stay with my husband, who I'm no longer in love with and probably have never been. I do love him as a wonderful friend and father of my children. Or follow my heart divorced him and see what happens with my best friend? Any advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): I think you have been under the impression that love is simply a feeling, if you are not in that euphoric state of bliss caused by hormones all of the time, and a feeling of longing is missing in your marriage because you already have a secure relationship with kids and a mortgage.
This best friend sounds like no friend to me, if he were he would stay out of your marriage and not hint to you about ending it...he is a coward and he has shown himself to be from day one, he has never been in a real relationship with you, but always around the periphery of your life looking in. You both sound like glass half empty people, you can't appreciate what you have got, as you are always focusing on what you don't have or did not do...full of regrets and longing and boredom and seem to be emotionally stunted....this is the inner work you need to do, no man can fill you up enough with love to make you feel better.
Love is a concious decision to be loving, to be worthy of love, to be commited to a person and grow together in spirit and in heart and mind. If you don't feel you love your husband, then stop turning away from your marriage by talking to someone else about it's problems, and talk to your husband, get counseling, try everything you have to earn your way out of this marriage. Nothing is going to happen with this friend, he is a nit wit and a coward, or he would have stepped up to the plate a long time ago. Let him go, and tell him to stay out of your marriage and if you had any sense at all, out of your life.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 January 2008):
 Those times when you were young , single and free is over .We may reminisce about those younger days but to think that things have not changed is only deluding ourself.
You are no more young and have so many baggage.Two families will be ruined because you want to try it out with him.
There is no guarantee that he can provide the life or environment or make you happy. After the honeymoon period , then what? Will it settle into a rut like all marriages?
I think it would be better to stay put and improve your marriage . You could look at your husband through the eye of another woman and find the same qualities which attracted you in the first place.After many years of togetherness, we tend to take each other for granted.But if you think you want to try your b/f , you could have a trial separation first with your man and see if you will miss him or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): Are you serious with this question? You say you're in love with this friend. You have a lot of emotional intimacy with this person, to the point that you discuss problems in your marriage with him. Many would consider this infidelity, even if it is not physical. If you don't believe it, consider this litmus test: would you be ok if your husband were a fly on the wall for these conversations? As for not knowing what you're friends intentions are for suggesting you leave your husband...now I know you're joking. You even said that he's made his intentions clear; I don't see how telling you that he would want more than friendship if you weren't married can be considered a hint. The funniest part is, he already has a relationship with you that defies any rational boundaries of friendship. But hell, you've probably got about 30 or some odd years left in your life, so if you're not happy, damn, the kids will bounce back and you won't really be doing them any favors by sticking around if you're miserable, because at the rate you're going, you won't hold out for much longer anyway. And just because you're leaving their dad for another man doesn't mean they'll hate you forever, and you can still be a good mom to them. But seriously, I can't believe you're in your 40s; I thought I was reading the emotional innerworkings of a 17-year-old.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): I think there are a lot of "how could you" questions to ask about your life choices - obviously at the time you made the choices that were right for you at the time - the big question for me is why didn't you examine more closely your best friends feelings for you just before you got married and why didn't he make his feeling clear if he really loved you that much. You had the chance then to chose each other at what would have been the right time but you both chose not to go ahead with each other. Why? It seems that you don't have what it takes in your relationship with your best friend to committ totally to each other - rather you have been giving each other the non-committed kind of love that does not involve any risk. Obviously you are in a sad situation with your husband now and I would ask you to look at your marriage more carefully before you make any decisions - you may be at a stage where you are taking all that good about your marriage for granted - don't you think you should examine what you have first - if you feel that there is nothing left in your marriage you should end it regardless of the best friend. What seems sad is to have been with someone for 20 years and had children but never to have fully committed to them and to have kept the feeling that you truly love someone else in your mind all the time but when you had the chance you did not chose your best friend. You are not sure now so there seems to me to be something that is not so right with this best friend when it comes down to the crunch to make a decision over him you are hesitating yet again. My advise would be to try and examine and work on your marriage until you are 100% sure one way or another about it before you think about the other relationship.
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