A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a 54 year old female. I have been married for the 2nd time for 13 years now. My husband through the course of our marriage has always smoked pot and drank. It's work, home from work, sit outside and read and drink every night. I hoped he would slow down or stop. It has been bad the last 4 years. He gets knock down drunk at times. On top of the drinking he has had a bad heart for the last 7 years. Because of heart medication I have no sex life with him and because of all this, I have grown apart from him. I love him as a person but I'm not in love with him any more. I feel terrible about feeling this way. I am contemplating getting a divorce. I have reached the age where I just don't want to deal with everything. He lost his job a year ago and up until about 2 weeks ago has drank heavy to the point of arguing. I tried sitting him down and telling him that I am not in love with him anymore, that I have grown apart. I feel terrible about this. He says if I leave him his life will be over. Through the course of 2 marriages I married alcoholic men. My children are grown and on their own. And I want to be happy. I just want to be alone. What should I do. I can't believe how guilty I feel for wanting to be happy. He wants to try to make things work. I just know I cannot get back what I felt. Can you give me some advice please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Ahhh..you sound so helpless, emotionally stressed and so very miserable, so sorry! Please don't feel guilty, easy to say I know, you appear as though you have tried in this marriage, and with all the goodwill in the world, IF you have STOPPED loving your husband in the way you know you need to make this marriage survive - then again, ALL the working with counsellors or psychologists will NOT make it work.
I have seen my own clients, come to me for counselling together, but ONLY one of them really in the right place to make an attempt to make it work. If one of the couple does NOT love the other one, as it's needed in a relationship, as sad as it may be, forcing the situation, attending counselling just 'masks' the problems, may be for a brief time, as true feelings get denied, and we are all deserving of happiness. Sometimes it's harder to stand up and say enough is enough, but sometimes it has to be done for everyone's long-term happiness.
There are no guarantees in life, and marriage doesn't prevent us from falling out of love - and what we promised on our wedding could not incorporate what we may have to endure over future years, such as your first husband who was an alcoholic, so don't punish yourself. Marriage should not be a sentence, it should be a 'mutually' rewarding workable relationship that can grow and flourish, and if it can't, then, as you are doing, have to make decisions that don't always fall into line with how we've been conditioned about marriage.
I know from a professional point of view, that love is needed for a relationship to work, couples can have ups and downs, and even when one or both parties have been unfaithful, if they really decide to make it work, because LOVE is still there, it will....and without, it never does!
You deserve happiness, and I hope some of this has helped you, providing you are sensitive in your approach IF you decide divorce is the best for YOU and in the long term, your husband too, as staying with a man you don't love, will not help him, then think positively, look at this as a new chapter in your life, learn about YOU, perhaps be single for a while, do things that enrich your life with experiences, and not look for a man to fill the gaps, it's when we do that, that our selection process is not so good!
Good luck..and let me know what you decide to do if and when the time comes.
Jilly x
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (14 December 2010):
 Your feelings are normal and understable. You shouldn't worry about that. It's OK to feel tired, helpless, and to want to give up. It's OK to want to go on as well. Everyone should know their limits.
After battling with two alcoholic hubbies for 20 years or so, I do think you need some rest. This shows you don't have many solutions when it comes to living with such troubled individuals, other than to sit and take life as it comes, and truth be told, it's THEM who should be looking for solutions, to overcome this horrible disease and stop making the life of their 'loved' ones a living hell. As everybody else you have options. Nobody will blame you for walking away.
I don't believe in martyrs. I believe in helping a husband who admits he has a problem and dearly wants to change, for himself in the first place. It is very selfish of him to blackmail you like that, saying his life will be over if you leave him. It's also easy to say that he wants to make it work but that can mean another 4 years of wishful thinking on your behalf, with no real change. You might as well tell him to call you when he is reabilitated and back in shape. Best wishes.
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