A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I are 10 years happily married with a 5 year old child.An issue has arisen recently that is causing great trauma and I would be very grateful of some worldly-wise advice and help to find a way forward.We like in the UK , I am from here and my wife from overseas. We met here. When we first met my wife encouraged me to make efforts to get in contact with my mum and two sisters whom I don't know too well as they have lived abroad since I was 3 years old.With her encouragement we would all talk maybe a few times a year online, Christmas, birthdays etc.About 3 years ago one of my sisters and her daughter stayed in the UK for a few weeks and with us a few days. Everyone got along ok but afterwards my wife was critical of my sister saying that she used us in the sense we don't speak too much but she was happy to stay with us etc. She also was critical of my niece saying she was a spoilt brat and that my sister pandered to her every need.At the time I brushed it off and said to my wife that it was only for a few days and probably wouldn't happen again for years, so we got through it okFast forward until this summer, My in-laws (that also are from overseas) came to stay as well as my mother. The two visiting parties knew in advance that they would be together with us and there was a element of excitement and anticipation of everyone getting to know each other. This applied to me and my own mother too as it was the third such time in my life we had met up and the first time we would ever spend time together under the same roof! My in-laws I had stayed with many times. They are really lovely people and they love and respect me very much.My other sister and her family had moved back to the UK earlier in the year, we have been getting to know each other and met up a few times with no issues.The plan was when my mother came, my sister would bring her down to ours and we would say hi and have mum for a few days and I would return mum later. My wife was a little bit anxious about the 'big' meet up. Her meeting my mum for the first time and her parents etc.I thought this was totally understandable but told her everything would be okMy sister is very organised (in fact, annoyingly so!) and wanted to organise times etc and things far sooner in advance than we tend to operate as we are quite busy and tend to be spontaneous. I was asked by my sister what time should she come down with mum as they had a tight schedule and they had to get back some distance on a sunday. Thinking on my feet, I said to her talk to my wife and deal with her as I didn't want to suggest a time that would conflict with any plans my wife had including her working hours that day as I didn't know her plans. All had been arranged amongst themselves and I was told they would come down when my wife finished work in the early pm. My wife really wanted to be there at the initial meeting to be an interpreter and make everyone feel at ease. I thought this was a good idea but I kept on reassuring my wife that everyone was easy-going and there was nothing to worry about.Previously My in-laws had arrived all ok and I made the long journey to the airport alone and brought them back. In fact the same day they came I also got up early and went to a different airport to collect my mum and drop her off at my sisters for a few days before she came to ours. Everything went to plan and I was relieved as I had been nervous meeting up with mum for the first time in 15 years2 days before my sister and family were due to bring mum down I received a phone call from my sister saying that they couldn't come early pm as arranged with my wife and that it would have to be earlier as they wanted to other things and get back home in time. I didn't think it would cause too much of an issue and understood there long journey and plans.I casually mentioned this change of plan to my wife and all hell broke loose! My wife then accused my sister of going behind her back and contacting me in secret purposely undermining her etc. I felt stuck in the middle and explained the reasons I had been given and that they needed to get back home as my nephew had college etc. It didn't seem to matter by this stage and my wife said even if my sister did come down she wasn't going to speak to her because of how she felt she had gone behind her back and so on.This situation gave cause to a lot of disagreement and descended into argument, If I tried to explain my sister's motives I was shot down and asked the question: who is most important. I was asked by my wife to get back in touch with my sister and say can you come later in the day as previously arranged but she knew that they didn't want to do thisI was very annoyed with my wife as I felt she was being unreasonable and I told her so. I was angry because she also said things like I hate your sister, she is a b**ch. I am never going to see her again etc. What upset me most is that this was all said out loud in front of our 5 year old. When our child asked what's happening mummy she replied Mummy hates your aunty because she did this..............She carried on, I will never forgive her, that;s the last time - it went on, all out aloudI said that I thought that it was really low to say these things out loud and to get our child involved and also understand that mummy hates people.I didn't thing it was a very good example, I was also worried he would mention things to other members of the family that I felt was unfairI could foresee all manner of problems and animosity during their visit now and suggested I would go up to collect mum. This was a 200 mile round trip.In the meantime I started to get it in the neck because my wife was upset at the animosity the situation had caused and that her parents were now upset because we had argued. I felt like banging my head against a brick wall (metaphorically)So, I collected mum and came back. My wife wasn't there for the big meet up but that didn't really matter to her anyway now.My mum stayed a few days, we had an ok time but didn't do too much as we were all working. My mum was only with us two lots of 3 days and pretty much kept herself to herself. Yes, she had a few funny ways - it's fair to say like we all do!I took mum back to my sister's as my wife couldn't bear to see anyone if they came down.My wife insisted I talk to my sister about the problems she felt she had caused and to tell her not to see us ever againWhen my mum returned the flood gates opened a little. We are never seeing your mum again etc but after a few days things settled and we both we laughing and joking about things.I returned the in-laws after their 6 week stay.Things were back to normal and We all agreed on one thing that we happier together as our small family with nobody around usMy 5 year old and I went out fishing one evening and I received a call on the way back. I was driving and handsfree. It was my step-mum, I had been careful to be sensitive around my other mum's visit as It had been known to cause issues before.My step mum had expressed within a few weeks or so a dislike for my sister(the same sister my wife had fallen out with)I tried to defend my sister at the time saying that it couldn't be easy for her moving her , no family etc.But anyway step mum mentioned her name in conversation and my 5 year olds shouts out Oh Aunty , Grandma did you know mummy hates Aunty. Of course this is what I had been dreading from before. I had to go into a brief explanation but it only went on to cement that the bad feelings and resentments step-mum had about sisterMove on now a few weeks. Everything had been settled back to school, back to work etc no problemsMy sister left me a message saying call me. My wife knew about this as she picked the phone up and passed it to me when it was calling I decided not to answer itI didn't call her but listened to a message.It was her birthday soon and perhaps it was about that or maybe a social call?I bought a card early and sent it to her. A few days prior to her birthday my wife asked have you talked to your sister, I told her I hadn't and I hadn't but thought it was a good opportunity to let her know I would be in the next few days as it was her birthday.I received a tut but not much else.A few days on now I received a phone call at home from my step-mum, just a social call that I decided to put on speaker phone so we could all join in. Little one can talk to his Grandma and mum can ask us all questions and us her. Big mistake! Mum said have you heard about Aunty, she has been really unwell in hospital for tests etc and sounds like a mystery illness that may need surgery?Well, sister's name was mentioned and in front of our child again wife starts muttering under her breathe how she hates aunty.When the phone call finished I couldn't help myself and said can't you just leave it alone and not talk so nastily out aloud. Of course then I get accused of taking sides and so on.I explained that I felt her opinions were her opinions and she shouldn't be sharing them with our 5 year old.She then started to say to our child that I am your mum and I love you so much implying that they had to conform to Mummy's way of thinking. I totally disagree with this sentiment.I was so frustrated and angry I get angry and slammed the door and went for a drive.I returned to a quiet house, little one in bed.I insisted we needed to thrash things out I told my wife she is the most important person in my life, this is trueI said that I think it is really low to talk nastily out aloud about people (regardless of whether they are relatives or not)and it sets such a bad exampleI was reminded why things had descended to the way they are and that it was all my sister's fault and that she thinks she can boss my wife aroundI agreed that my sister is sometimes thoughtlessThings then got personal and even lower. We talked about splitting up and what would happen with our lives and our child if we did so. It got nasty on both sides.My wife told me she had wasted the last 10 years of her life and I that I'm no husband as I don't defend her or her opinionI said that she needs to bite her lip every time my sister's name comes up in conversation and resist from blurting out slurs and unpleasantries in front of our child Also that she should stop blackmailing our child for his conformity of opinion with hers on these personal mattersI said I found it amazing that she has spent only a few days with each of my sisters and my mum yet she now openly hates them all and never wants anything to do with them ever againI suggested that my wife talks to my sister and patch things up, I was told she wouldn't waste her breatheI have seen people in the past for help with emotional issues and in fact I attend groups weekly for supportI believe my wife would benefit from a similar outlet of feelings as like all of us she has a few abandonment issues in the closet from her formative years that have been swept under the carpet I can't help feeling this may be related to her anger and fears.Of course, it is the most difficult thing in the world to breach without implying blame or being condescendingHow could or should this be approached?I would be happy to get help together but am not sure whether it's worthy of that level of need?It ended badly today, we have gone to bed separatelyI would like advise for things I can do immediately to make things betterBut also long term solutions that will not just cover the cracksDo I cut out certain family to appease my wife?I come to this page in utter bewilderment and frustrationYour advise, thoughts and a positive angle would be appreciated
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aleisha-Jay +, writes (31 October 2017):
 Sounds like a clash of culture. I have had the same problems as my partners family cam over to the UK 20 years ago. A woman with another culture means that they may have a different understanding to those who have been born and brought up here. For example, something known as 'a joke' to us could be thought of as rude or disgusting. If you get what i'm saying?I don't believe a problem like this causes for help from a counsellor as such but maybe keeping them apart for now and puttiing your foot down in regards to what is said infront of your 5 yr old child is something that may need to be said. Childrens minds are like sponges and unfortunately things like what your wife done, causes children to judge others and it isn't nice. My advice to you is to breathe hahaSit down with your wife and ask her to listen to how you feel and how your child might feel. No one is perfect.I'm not sure how old your sister is but maybe point out to your wife that maybe she has some growing to do as a person and she needs guidance instead of being judged. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was her sister, i'm pretty sure you would see her as your sister too and be supportive. She could be that way because she may be going through some things that no one knows about.The world is very different for everyone and your wife seems a little less understanding than you.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 September 2017):
 You both need to do marriage counselling or go in to therapy. Honestly your wife is totally unreasonable, she wants you to stick up for her? Well she should not be slaughtering your family or using your child. She sounds like a horrendous person. Nobody should ever black mail children or make family feel unwelcome. I wonder how she would like it if you treated her family this way? It is plain awful the way she is treating you, if it is down to childhood issues then she needs to address them. You both need to sort this before it effects your five year old. Your child is your priority now. Fix this or else they will grow up being messed up as well.
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