A
female
age
51-59,
*adgrl40
writes:My husband and I have only been married a little over a year. I moved to be with him away from my friends and the area that I had lived for 13 years. So now I live in a place that I have no friends. He takes care of his mother who is mean and awful to everyone one. I have never met a person so mean in all my life. When I talk about a compromise solution for our living arrangements, he has told me he is here to stay and care for her and I can do what I need to do. So to me that means I am optional and it doesn't matter what I do he will not be putting my needs first. Should I give in and cut my losses , there is no compromise with him????? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): There are some things that I am going to say that you may not like and some things that you may find helpful.
The first thing that I have to say is that your post do come across as a little bit selfish. The reason that I say that is because in my opinion, you are asking him to choose between you and his mother. Now I can certainly understand that you two are still basically newly weds and this is the last thing that you expected. But hon, life happens. Would you turn your back on your mother if she was mean to him? I highly doubt it.
Look at it this way, he is proving what type of man he is. If he is willing to completely uproot his life for the sake of his family, then girlfriend, you got a good man. He took full responsibility without tucking his tail and run. That is excellent potential father material.
The next issue is that she is mean. Some people that was once independent and now dependent on others for day to day activities usually are. If she is disrespecting you, then your husband most definitely needs to address that. No one, even if it is his mother, has the right disrespect you. If that is the case, then you need to bring that to his attention. If you have done that already, he needs to understand that this type of behavior upsets you and you will not tolerate it. The two of you don't have to be best friends, but there should be respect for the sake of your husband.
I hate to say this but it is the truth. If your husband does not address this issue, then there is going to be constant friction in your marriage. I know because I've been there. He needs to explain to his mother that you are his wife and as long as you are, then she is going to have to respect you. The two of you (you and his mother) are going to have to make the effort to at least be cordial. Now is she is not willing to compromise, then it's best to explain to your husband that it is best to keep your distance. Don't be mean and disrespectful to her, but if she starts with one of her tyrants, then either leave the room or leave the home for a few hours. Whatever it takes. If your husband loves you as much as you say he does, then I honestly believe that he will handle the situation.
If you feel that you can't handle the situation after your have tried everything possible to make your marriage work, then the decision to leave is up to you. I would think long and hard about that one because I think that you were lucky to snatch up one of the good ones. My best advice is to talk to him. Not one of those conversations where he may feel that you are saying it's either me or her. I'm not insinuating that you have, but that's how it may appear to him. I do think that your husband needs to look into getting an in house sitter so that the two of you can have some much needed alone time. Don't just give up yet, he can't turn his back on his mother no matter how much of a b--ch she is. Best of luck (Sorry so long).
A
female
reader, sadgrl40 +, writes (31 October 2009):
sadgrl40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do love him and we never even argue over anything other than her trouble making stunts. We are very happy as just us. SHe is the Gigantic thron in our side. He is a awesome person and I love the way he loves me and cares for me. Yes I have friends but not in the middle of the boonies where he moved me. So I drive an hour one way to work to be in the area where I am from.......But I guess asking opinions is just that opinions. Thanks for the thoughts. I just he and I in this marriage!!!!!
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Might be a good idea to consider an elderly home for the mother. If that wont work then start looking at your relationship more closely.
His loyalty to his mother is understandable but what he needs to comprehend is that she is not going to be here the rest of his life and you are (or may be).
I think you should also ask yourself how happy you would be with this man if the mother wasn't even in the picture. If a picture of mutual understanding and a strong future is what you see then you will have to consider making some real sacrifices because good partners are not a dime a dozen. If the future you see is constant compromise and accommodating his wishes while you just play second fiddle to everything then you don't really need to worry about the mother issue at all because you have bigger fish to fry.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I did not see anyplace in your letter where you say you love your husband. Do you love him? If so, you could try to get him to agree to hire a caregiver to come in at least once a week, so that the two of you could have some time away together. Could you sign her up for a half day of adult daycare (I don't know how old she is) - a chance for her to get out and make friends? She might be mean if she can't get out and is dependent upon him for her care and social interaction.
I would also recommend that you get out and make some friends. If you are stuck in the house with your mother-in-law, then you don't have any away time or friends to take the focus off of that situation and add some balance to your life. Try signing up for a class or look for a club that you could get involved in and meet new people.
I would try that first before leaving.
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