A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. So I had a best friend of 6yrs, we decided to try a relationship late last year. The pill failed me and I fell pregnant barely 2 months into the relationship. We were both very shocked, he wanted me to abort but I couldn't and didn't so he stopped talking to me and started hating me from then, told me he wants nothing to do with me or the baby, he will only get involved once its born. I kept the baby but had a very hard pregnancy and was alone through out. It hurt so bad but I managed. Now almost a year later, I have a 1 month old baby and he's back in my life and wants to be a father. He hasn't bought my baby anything and it doesn't look like he will anytime soon because he has a new gf that he takes on holidays all the time. I let him see the baby because I don't want him growing up without a father but I'm hurting so much. I thought I was over him and how he treated me but now that he's back it just hurt all over again. He hasn't even apologised. I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of what he put me through and I just want to know, when does the pain go away? Should I cut him out of our lives so I start feeling better again?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 November 2013):
 I know that pills do fail... but I also know that you do need to take it properly and regularly and wait for it to kick in before depending on it.
As for you and the baby daddy... kids survive nicely when the parents get along... even if not together...
I think that the first thing you should do is get legal paternity established and he needs to be supporting this child financially by paying child support if he is not.
If he won't pay without court intervention, then get the courts to order it. You say he hates you... so it can't get worse.
You have to be an adult here and put your pain aside to let him build a relationship with your child. This child is HIS child too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): Nobody else has responded so I'll make an attempt:I find what you said: "the pill failed me" strange - the pill either works or it doesn't unless you don't take it properly like you should. whether you did this intentionally or not, the facts are you got pregnant.Your best friend of 6 yrs should perhaps have stayed only a friend, in hindsight, because he was a better friend than a "man" or boyfriend or father.Who decided late last year to take the friendship further - him or you? That would tell a lot too. So you had a 2 month relationship, which is time enough to begin building something special however when you shockingly fell pregnant which is a risk for anyone being intimate, he chose the abortion route while you couldn't and chose to keep the baby. It's a personal choice and your right, it's your body.He was very immature and selfish that when you didn't abort, he chose to "hate" you and alienate you during a time you most needed support. Despite his choices, he could still have had some understanding of your position, but he chose to run away.I'm very sorry you had a very hard pregnancy and that you were alone through all that time. It takes two to make a baby, even an unplanned one, and when you needed him most, he chose to flake out.You had to be the adult one, the mature one, the strong one. Well done for your courage and bravery.A year later, you have SURVIVED, well done, and you have a beautiful 1 month old baby - the joy of your life I hope :)Your ex is back now wanting to be a "father"... well, it takes more than just saying the words. His actions must show he wants to be a father.I'm not so worried he hasn't bought the baby anything, it's more about the past actions showing probable cause of how he will act in future. What if he gets involved in your baby's life and just when the baby starts learning to love "daddy" he flakes out on the baby too? He has a new gf, whether it's permanent or a temporary fling is irrelevant, it means he moved on from you.LET HIM GO - don't tie him down with the hopes of your baby, or guilt trip him into wanting to return, or use the baby as leverage to have him back in your life.He didn't do right by you, I doubt he will do right by your baby either.Let him grow up a bit, and who knows, perhaps one day he will realise what he is missing out on. He needs to prove himself before you trust him near your baby.You should not be concerned where he goes, with who, or where he spends his money. He is your EX. The only string between you two is the baby HE DIDN'T WANT, but because you chose to keep it, he would only return when it is born - which he has done. So in that sense, he has kept to his word.Sadly, you have not healed... not from a broken heart, not from his betrayal, not from his coldness, or lack of support, or anything else. In some ways 2 months can be a long time for a couple that moves fast, but for others, it may have only been a beginning which was killed in his eyes the minute a child came into it. A stronger good man would have done things differently but he didn't. MOVE ON.The pain only goes away with time, but you need healing first. If you're still crying yourself to sleep at night, you need to speak to someone. Go for therapy, find a good counsellor and share your story. Let them give you tools to cope with what has happened, and the way to move forward.You have been exceptionally strong, and you need to be some more in how you deal with him going forward. The best would have been to cut him off and get over him, however the baby will one day want to know who it's father is. Right now you don't owe him anything. Get therapy, look after YOURSELF and your BABY and when you're ready, re-introduce him into the picture by allowing him visitation rights so your child gets to know him, and he sees the most important milestones now as the baby grows up. Perhaps see a lawyer and have a contract drawn up, so that you have clarity on everything.He hurt you badly, he can't be trusted, he was not there when you really needed him, so you have to put him in the past. Your heart must close off of him. Only your mind will allow him in the present, for the sake of your baby. Have someone else present when he sees the baby, and try to limit ALL contact with him to "professional" visits with no discussions unless it's about the baby. Never let him into your life again, he will only hurt you again.He must prove his worthiness as a father before he is allowed any further trust.Check that he is committed to the visits, that he is true to his word when he says he will visit, that he is consistent, and let him earn your trust to visit the baby. If he messes you around on that front, then cut him off and tell him when he grows up one day, then and only then can he visit your baby. Even if it's only when your child is old enough to WANT to see it's "father" who was a sperm donor in this case as he hasn't done anything else to warrant the name father!He didn't even WANT the baby in the first place!!!You have the power, do not allow him ever again to misuse or abuse you.Now it's all about your baby, and YOU. Find healing for yourself, get over him, find happiness again and one day the right one will come along that will welcome you and your baby into his life. Your ex will just remain the baby's donor.Best of luck to you, and may you find happiness.
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