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male
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anonymous
writes:PART I - This may sounds like a cookie-cutter break up but the last chapter on “friendship” is still writing itself. My question is: Should I drop my pen?I decided to end the six month relationship – a first for both of us - back in February and I knew it was going to break her heart. I won’t elaborate on my reasons for doing so. I felt horrible but given that my feelings had changed, it was not fair to her for me continue on with what had become an ungenuine relationship. It would simply be too disrespectful to fake love for fear of hurting her. I do care about her, and I wanted to help her move on as much as I could. It’s unfortunate that English only has one word for “love” but in an effort to explain myself, mine was no longer an “amorous love”.I was firm. I really wanted her to come to terms with it (without any signs of doubt on my part) so she could move on. Over the course of the 6-7 hour conversation that followed I explained my feelings, took in hers and maintained that we would not have an “amorous” relationship in the future. This, she said, did not trouble her as much as loosing me as a friend. I agreed. It was on my mind. I had to say that I didn’t know how she could trust me after I broke her heart and she replied that she wanted to try all the same.PART II - Fast forward to two months later, after our time apart. We meet for dinner which was accompanied by somewhat cold conversation and news that she had a new boyfriend. The night tied off with a hug and intentions to keep in touch.So I wrote her an e-mail to thank her for the evening and over the last two weeks I’ve had the pleasure of talking to her answering machine three times. Neither of these have been reciprocated.What I would like to do is continue to call none the less. I care very little about my ego. I don’t think I’m sending her the message that I want her back because if that was ever the case I had plenty of time to do so before. I just want to show her I care, and maybe little by little build her trust in me to the point where she believes me still wanting a friendship. She is a wonderful woman. I care about her and want her in my life but if that comes at the cost of her happiness, I stand ready to accept this.PART III - I am a 21 year old student and she is a 24 year old working pre-school teacher. We have limited mutual friends, live in different cities (15mins apart), and converse primarily in different languages in our social milieus. So here I am, pen in hand wondering what will come next.Should I drop my pen, or continue?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's sad. It's true. You're right.
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female
reader, lostgirl04  +, writes (17 May 2006):
 Well from a girl's perspective, I think that since you broke it off with her and hurt her, she may feel a little uncomfortable hanging out with u or talking to you so much. We girls always say we want to stay friends becuz we still really care for that person but when we realize how much that actually hurts us (being friends), we may back off a bit and seek other companions, such as her new bf. I understand that you want to show her that you 'care' but maybe she won't see it like that becuz you dumped her, she might think "he doesn't care, he's just trying to be nice." And in a sense you ARE just trying to be nice, becuz you don't love her as a gf anymore.
I advice you to give her some space since she has a new bf, give her time, if she wants to continue to be your friend, she'll contact you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dr Pete,
I truly appreciate your advice. I will wait and see what happens.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2006): Hmm. I think you would be in a much better position if she had actually replied to your voicemails. Have you left her three messages? If so I think you should stop contacting her and wait and see what happens.
If you continue trying to get hold of her, I think it will become obvious that you are sending her a message that you want to get back with her.
Just wait and see what happens. She knows you want to get back in contact, but she is probably commiting her time to her new boyfriend. You never know, perhaps things won't work out and if she did value your friendship she will be on the phone to you straight away. Good luck.
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