A
female
age
41-50,
*alyda
writes:Ok here is my story.I started dating this guy 7 months ago. I am 28 and he is 33, when we met he was staying at friend in their basement. he told me that he moved from another city and was trying to start a business here but for now he was doing small jobs to make ends meet. He seemed honest and we started dating. At the time I had a great job my apartment and and everything was going well in my life. He is shorter than me, it was different, but not a problem because I focused on his personality. I am 5, 10 and he is 5,7. A couple of weeks into the relationship they (him and the friend) were fired for always coming in late. I saw a red flag but did not make a big deal out of it. He started asking me to use my credit card for to help him fix his car, he said he would reimburse me. I found it weird for him to do that so early in the relationship (2 weeks) but did it because I thought he would need his car to get another job. then he started harassing me about wanting an iphone saying he wanted it for his business and asked me to use my name and my credit card to get the phone for him. The reason he could not get it him self was because first he did not have the money but also had problems with the carrier. I did not want at first but he insisted so much that I finally gave in as he convinced me he would take care of the bills. All this only 2 weeks into the relationship. I did not make a big deal out if it because he was so nice and loving.Then I asked him to move in with me, three weeks in the relationship because I though he would be more comfortable and I would help him find a job and since his english is not that good I would help get his business started. At first he said he wasn't sure about moving in with me but accepted. I never lived with a man and I am very independent but out of care, and thinking I finally met a great guy who treats me well I was ready to share my privacy and help make his transition in another city smooth.When he moved in thing were great he is not messy at all, he would have cooked diner, and cleaned the house buy the time I am back from work. he asked to marry him a month into the relationship. I said yes but wasn't sure. On the other hand he was becoming possessive and jealous and continued asking me for money. He stopped looking for work saying that he is and artist and only wanted to a dance studio. He has a degree in art, a licence to teach art and another degree in investigation. I asked him to find a job in one of those fields while he work on his dance studio but every time I find him a job he rejects it for one reason or the other. Meanwhile for 7 months I paid for everything including 3 times his tickets to go to the other city for 'work'. Once there he would call and ask for more money.He even asked me for $1,000 to help pay for his sick dad's medical bills which I did. I was getting in debt, but every time I complained he would say if everyone has debt, yet he can't even get a credit card. When I ask him to get a job he says that he is not meant for the 8 to 5 job and he is an artist he want his own studio. He would tell me not to worry we are going to make a lot of money and he will take care of me but after many months of that I started to get sick of it. Also he wanted me to get pregnant saying that it would strengthen our love. And his jealousy became unbarable, he even started to suspect my girl friends saying that maybe I am having sex with them, how ridiculous! Then he would get mad if I don't call or pick up the phone or if I spend the night at my girl friends place when he is not in town. I just wanted to help someone I care about and I wanted my relationship to work. But slowly love is disappearing to he point hat I don't even want to be intimate with him so I started to question my relationship and loose respect for him. I even found out he lied about his age, he is older but he denies it.So I asked him to move out, I feel bad because he has nowhere to go but I need my space and I can't continue like that. He only gets random dance workshops here and there, but it is not enough. He is loving and all but I need a real man in my life. I must say when he get money from a workshop he give me almost all o it which makes me think he is generous and just doesn't have lots of money. It makes me think when he starts making money I too will take a break. But my contract at work was not renewed and I became even bitter because he is still not even trying to get a regular job. Now we fight all the time and I've asked him several time to move out. I feel bad because I asked him to move in but I can't do it anymore and I want my life back. When I want to break up he threatened to move back to the other city, but it hurts me because I want him to be independent and work on his business but he relies too much on me even to make his own dream come true.He finally packed his stuff and I dropped him at the airport, he is due back in a month should I let him back in my life?
View related questions:
a break, at work, debt, jealous, money, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Valyda +, writes (22 February 2009):
Valyda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is he never asks about how the bills are payed so I still pay for the phone to protect my credit. He says that women never want to support men in difficult situations but when it is the other way around a man always takes care a his woman. But how long am I going to support him? If at least he tried to get a job, any job I wouldn't feel this way, and he is so jealous and possessive.
I am afraid I lost all respect for him, the reason I want him out is to see how he can manage by himself maybe that will bring the love back? But at this point I don't even want to have sex. I feel bad for being so hard on him but like you said if I keep helping him he will never make the effort.
A
female
reader, ButterflyKisses  +, writes (21 February 2009):
Do you ever watch 20/20? This guy is completely using you. If he can't do anything for himself, why do you think he would do anything for you?
Honey, it's only going to get worse. Change the locks and don't look back.
I know it's hard when emotions are involved. He's slowly destroying everything you've worked so hard to achieve.
YOU have the job.
YOU have the apartment.
YOU have the bank account.
What does he bring to the table? Sob stories and excuses. Are you willing to lose all of these things for a big loser? If you lost your job, your apartment and your bank account - do you REALLY think that he would stay with you?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): no way! do not take him back!
i understand that you wanted to help him with his father medications, his new phoone, and everything but he has ttaken it to another level, a woman should never provide 100% for a man. tell him you want him to move out again and if he doesnt you simply change the locks and pack all of his personal belonging and put them outside the door, it is not your problem where he goes and if he tries to get violent with you call the police
...............................
A
female
reader, Emmajane  +, writes (21 February 2009):
 This is a difficult situation Valyda. The short answer is that he must support himself. You're only making it harder by helping him in this way. As long as you keep bailing him out he'll keep sponging off you.
From what you've said, he's been like this since you met so if he is ever to stand on his own feet he needs to dermonstrate to you that he can. Let him make some success of his business and you can still see each other, however there is no reason for you to feel you have to let him live in your place until he is able to prove he can stand on his own feet. Then you can move into HIS place if you want to!
...............................
|
