A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I dated this guy for 4 months. There was a strong attraction from the beginning. We started talking everyday... and kept in contact constantly 24/7 via text, IM, phone, email. He thought I was the perfect girl for him and I felt the same too. He was the sweetest guy and also very good looking and we had such fun conversations together. We would just sit around all day jus talking, laughing, kissing, doing nothing as the hours pass by. He compliments me in every way possible, and said I'm everything he's looking for in a girl and he sees us being happily ever after. He said I made him the happiest guy and luckiest guy in the world. He says he misses me and thinks about me all the time and always comes see me everyday or every other day. Everything was too good to be true. I never liked anyone so much in my life. More than a bf I had for 5 yrs. Because I like him so much, all I can think about is him all the time. I felt like he was so into me. We had sex after 10 dates and we both said it was the best ever. Everyday it was him that always initiated contact. He would be the first to text me, IM me whenever I sign on IM, ask to see me in person, etc. The whole time I never text or IM him first, called him unless he was calling me first, or asked him to go out. Then the texts got fewer, we saw each other less, and I got really busy with work. He would still come see me and text me sweet stuff, just not as much and sweet as before. he would still ask me to go out and do stuff every weekend, but then I felt like he was becoming more and more distant. this kinda happened gradually over a couple weeks. he still continued to be the first to initiate contact and asked to see me. But we would just meet up for dinner or movies and he'd just drop me off after rather than wanting to hang out more. I felt so confused I didn't know what to do. When we do talk on phone or IM or see each other, it is always him that ends the conversation/meeting first. We stopped making out and having sex. I really really really liked him so I was observant of all this change in behavior. I was too afraid to mess things up and never really said anything about it. I'm really passive so I always waited for him to call/txt/IM/ask me to go out first. A lot of despair, fear and tension was growing inside of me and I didn't know what to do. I was starting to be in panic mode. During dinner one night, he told me that he's secretly addicted to cocaine. He has been using for 2 years. He has decided it's time to quit. And that's why he hasn't been himself lately and finally wanted to tell me the truth. I was so shocked because I had no idea and would have never guessed it. He seems so normal...has a good job, never moody/angry, eats, etc. He said he really wants to quit and just wanted me to know, that he didn't wanna keep hiding it anymore. And said I deserve to know because I'm a big part of his life and he just wanted to be true to me. I was so shocked and confused and didn't know how to react. I asked him about "us" and he said he just wants to recover and hopefully everything will get back to how we used to be. I said I'd be there for him and know that he can quit. The next week, he didn't ask me to hang out (first time on a Saturday) so I asked him to hang out and he seemed hesitant. He said he gave in to his urges and did cocaine again and is now withdrawing/not feeling well and just wanted to be alone. I told him I was disappointed and that I really wanted to see him that night. So he rested a bit then came over. I told him that I was freaked out when he told me, I felt scammed that he didn't tell me for so long, and liked him less because of that and I felt like I can't trust him as much. I also told him that I've been feeling that he's been more distant and that he didn't care about me/us anymore and felt he was losing interest. But no matter what, even if we were just friends, I'd still be there to support him with his problem. I asked him if we should continue seeing each other. He asked if that's what I want. I said I wasn't sure because I sensed that he's not as into me as he was before and I don't have confidence it would work out. I was expecting him to reassure me that he still wanted to be with me. He just said he does hope things work out for us. But then he also said he totally understands if I don't wanna talk to him anymore. And if it was me telling him that I have a drug problem, he'd just walk away. So he said its up to me, I'm the one that'd be taking a big risk and have to be willing to wait for him to shape up. I said I'm unsure. We hugged goodbye and he left. I didn't hear from him for 4 days. Then I IMed him and asked why he disappeared, he gave me excuses like that he's been busy and thought I was scared of him and didn't wanna talk to him. He IMed me the next day jus to chit-chat. A few days later I wrote him an email telling him that I'm here for him to support him with his drug problem and that he should seek some professional help. I also told him that I was hurt when he started becoming distant and asked why he just stopped contacting me and what went wrong when everything was so perfect. He replied saying thanks for caring for him and he's really glad he met someone like me but he thinks he just needs to be by himself to take care of his own problems. He IMed me couple times after that just to chit chat. Then I haven't heard from him since. It's been 3 weeks since the last time we chatted. Looking back, my own fear and insecurities drove me insane and made me think that he stopped liking me and didn't want to be with me anymore. I feel like I totally messed myself up because I like him too much. My fear of losing him became a self-fulfilling prophecy. After he told me about the cocaine I just kept asking if he wants to end things and saying that maybe we should just be friends. Now that it's over, I really want him back again and I miss him so much that I find myself thinking about him constantly.I'm not sure if no contact would work in this case since I haven't been bombarding with calls/texts and I stop all of a sudden and he'll notice something is different and start missing me. I never contacted him on my own so he might still think I'm waiting around for his call? He seems to be doing well/happy according to his Facebook. I want to be there for him but he stopped contacting me completely. I haven't tried to contact him either. Should I continue to do nothing and wait for him to have enough space? Or has he already moved on? I want to contact him but I don't want to mess things up or get hurt/rejected.
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