A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am dating someone who got out of a divorce about 5 months ago due to the wife cheating (more than once). Before his divorce, we were just friends for about 2 years.I am torn on going any further with this. We are not in any type of commited relationship right now, just dating. He is kind, funny, we get alone very well and things are just so effortless with him. Just really natural. It is hard for me to find someone like this. He has been very honest and upfront about everything and keeps me informed about what's going on in his life, but still seems a little hurt about the divorce (though he says he is over it). I guess that's normal.What I'm really worried about is, since this is all still new, I'm scared he is just looking for comfort or someone to be with and that I'm going to end up hurt somehow. While he seems honest, I cannot help but to wonder if I'm just being used, even if that isn't his intention.Me, him, and his ex wife share a few mutual friends (who are really how I even met this guy in the first place), although I'm not friends with his ex anymore, obviously, and his contact with her is minimal. Conversations, questions, etc are going to be awkward, and I don't want anyone to get the idea that maybe we had something going on while they were married because that is NOT true.Also, I'm scared that if we do have a relationship I will, in some way or another, always be compared to his ex-wife.There is just a lot of drama involved. A part of me wants to throw in the towel, let him know this isn't going to work, then run for the hills. But a MAJOR part of me thinks that would be stupid. We could have an amazing relationship, despite the potential drama, and I don't want to just throw the chances of that away. Like I said, we are only "dating", not really in any sort of relationship, but so far nothing bad has happened...Could use some advice on this.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 October 2015):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
I think you already know that this may not be a long term thing. I can see you being a "rebound". Someone who "got" him out of the slump of a bad marriage, but maybe not a serous partner for him, or for you.
So if you can keep it casual, be a supportive person in his life, that might be all he is capable off for a few years.
Listen to your gut.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): Just continue dating without forming a serious commitment.
He is fresh out of a divorce, and he will be very confused about his emotions. Never believe anyone who says they're over someone in just a period of five months. Even if they hate each other, there is a lot of emotional-baggage divorced couples carry; because of the decisions they had to make and the process of divorce is not an easy one.
There is some psychological or post-traumatic stress that may not present itself until much later. Like any breakup, some feelings are numb and buried deep. Men are notorious for hiding our real feelings and emotions.
The ex doesn't always move on as quickly; and will make her presence felt somehow. She will not be tossed aside like rubbish. She is human, and she does have feelings; even if she is a cheater.
There was a division of property and assets, and you didn't mention if there are any children. He can't be over someone he married that quickly; even if she cheated. He still has some internalized anger yet to surface; and it just may manifest at the worse time ever.
Divorcees really should give themselves time for emotional adjustment following their divorce. They like anyone else can fall into rebound relationships. The unsuspecting third party, will most likely be privy to a lot of drama from the ex; or exposed to resentment from their relatives and friends. Five months is very suspicious, regardless of what the truth actually is. It's nobody's business, but that's when people tend to make things their business. You'll be the scapegoat and have to absorb a lot of rumors, and be the butt of a lot of speculation.
Yes, you will stir resentment and suspicion dating someone so soon after a divorce; and you had better be psychologically prepared to deal with it. The gossip will cause even more drama; because you will be on the defensive.
Keep your dating low-key and don't get too serious too soon. You have to protect your feelings, and make sure you're not just an emotional-band-aid. You also have to be sure you don't attach too quickly; because some men freshly divorced will want to play the field at some point.
Even if they happen upon a comfy spot with someone soon after their divorce. They're not exactly sure of their feelings. All they know is they don't want to feel lonely or have an empty bed.
Follow your gut-feeling. You already seem to know you're in a touchy spot.
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