A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Here is a story.I am a woman in my early forties. I ve been told i look 10 years younger, and everytime i say i have a 24 year old daughter, eyebrows are raised. I m divorced from my childs father for many many years, but we managed to stay great friends, as he is a great guy, we do holidays together and all the family stuff when our daughter is around. We never go to visit her together (she lives in a different state) as we want to have this special time with her one on one.But when she comes to visit us we act like a family.I have a history of dating younger guys, just because they never think im that old. Some were crazily much much younger, that of course didnt last.1 year ago when i was visiting my daughter we went out with a bunch of her friends for dinner, and there was this one very cute guy there who acted so shy around me. I can recognize that look in his eyes when he looked at me. That look can mean only this:'I didnt know my friend's mom was so hot."lol.After i left he repeatedly kept telling my daughter that he has a huge crash on me. A little time passed and now all his and her friends tease him about me.At first my daughter was laughing with them, but now i can see that it makes her very nervous. I think she finds the whole situation very unnapropriate and embarassing.Few months ago i visited her again, and she and her boyfriend had a little party at the house. Of course 'my friend'was there. Again, shyness to the point that we hardly said a few words. He was checking me out all the time, and at one point my daughter yelled at him to stop doing it, because its getting ridiculus.She and this guys are really good friends for years. She always talks very warm about him and they take each other for dinners out all the time and do art projects together, traveling, he basically hangs out at their house almost every day.i just came back from another visit, this time here is what happened. 'My friend' came to the house early in a morning to pick up smth. My daughter went to GYM and then she had to stop by somewhere, so she told me she ll be home around 11 a.m.and we ll do things together.I was still asleep when he rang a bell, put my robe on, opened the door. And here he was, all so awfully handsome and so...young. He is 29 by the way.He acted so terribly shy laughing unnessesary and almost studering, that i felt pitty for him. So i offered him coffee, and he said yes. We sat outside on a patio, it was very warm morning. Me looking horrible with just waking up. That didnt stoped him. After a few min. of conversation about nothing this is what he says:' I know you are my friends mother, and i know that you think i m too young for you, and i know it will make your daughter not very happy with the situation, but i feel that you need to know this, and you probably already know. I find you to be a very beatifull woman, i think of you all the time, at least let me take you out while you are here."Now it was my turn to be embarrased. I said that im flattered, and this is all a fantazy for him, and i cant imagine that i am telling my daughter about this date. So he asked if there was a different situation, would i be considering of going out with him. I said, of course, i really like you, but unfortunately in this case its impossible.So he left an hour later after 5 cups of coffee.Story doesnt end here. He wouldnt give it up. He actually went ahead telling my daughter that he has all the intention to take me out at least for a little lunch. She of course had a fit. She yelled at him that if he does it he would really put her in the most embarrased state and out of respect to her and their friendship he wouldnt do that. Than she came home and was pissed at me that i told him that i like him.The rest of my visit we didnt bring up the subject, and i didnt see 'my friend' any more.When i came back a week passed and i have a text on my phone... from him. Guess what: he is coming now to a state where i live for a short vacation, and of course he is wondering if we can go out and have a drink. You have to admire this persistency! Adding a fact that he is incredibly handsome and charming in his shy way..I don't know what to do. I inderstand how my daughter feels, but deep inside i think its really none of her bussines. I am a single woman, and i really can do what i want. i understand that she doesnt see me as a sexual being, but its not my fault. I really like the guy, and tell you the truth this the first occurence in my life that i am being so much chased after.After my marriage i had a few long relationships and finally understood that i really dont want any. I have my family already, i have no intention of having another family. All my encounters with guys is mostly sexual flings with a little dating going on. It suits me perfectly.Probably with 'my friend' would be the same thing. I realize very clearly that its a fantazy for him, and when fantazy becomes reality, excitement goes away. I had situations like that with younger guys, and ussualy much younger guys didn't last long at all.This one is different though. For right now he has very strong feelings toward me, and he is acting on it. He is travelling just to see me, he overcame his shyness to talk to me. I think it deserves a reward.lol.All this makes me so excited and i started thinking of him now every day, few times a day.He told me that my daughter doesnt have to know about this visit and about us at all. There is no us yet, but i have a feeling if he comes here and we go out for drinks it will become 'us' very fast.What do you think i should do? Should i have a talk with my daighter about this, or just do it without consulting her first? Deep in my mind i think if it was reversed situation and she liked one of my friends she wouldnt give another thought of consulting me first. What do you guys think about all this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): The whole thing sounds as if you are feeling fragile about your age, love the validation, are turned on by his 'pining' over you, and love the ego boost. Okay, he's attractive. Okay, you can do whatever you please. Okay, I get that.Figure out whether your secret (or potential secret) is worth destroying your relationship with your daughter... and if not destroying it... changing it and perhaps changing it in a permanent way. Anger and resentment may very well replace a sisterhood and trust. Sure, you can scratch your itch... but come on. Can't you pass on scratching this itch? Is it worth it? Why are you behaving so desperate? Think about that. Because... it sounds very desperate. If you were truly confident in yourself as a woman, you chalk this up to a compliment and walk away. But the whole sexual tension ... plus being 'off limits' has added to this dynamic making it irresistible. Do yourself a favor... and your daughter a favor and do not sleep with her friend... He's not your friend. He is your daughter's friend. At the present time he is nothing to you... except a fantasy.So deal with it. Grow up. You can tell yourself no. You can be a mother to your daughter and NOT do something that will hurt or upset her. Everyone is giving you the same advice because it is SOUND ADVICE. Yet, you seem pissed off at every aunt posting because it isn't what you want to hear. I doubt anyone is going to tell you to go for it and give you ideas on keeping it a secret... and ways to effectively lie to your daughter. I am sure that there are countless ways your could lie to her. I'm certain that you and your boy toy can find many ways that you can scratch all the itches in the world and lie to her face... and maybe even be able to get away with it. Maybe the lying will be so artfully executed that she'll never know. You'll get your cheap thrills and so will he.But, on the flip side... she may find out and you may alter your relationship permanently. If I were her, I'd think twice about bringing my friends around you again... and avoid bringing boyfriends around you... Why? Because you are not respecting HER boundaries.She has a right to them and you should respect them. I frankly don't care how much you feel like screwing this guy and getting your ego stroked. This is bogus and immature. Grow up, please. Respect HER boundaries. Sign up on some cougar website and live out your fantasizes but for heaven's sake do not violate your daughters BOUNDARIES and then cry over the fallout when she sees you as an aging vamp who she has to safeguard herself against.I'm 50 and get hit on similarly by guys in their. I could pretty much have my choice.. Why? I look like I'm in my 30's. But you know what? I'm not. I'm old enough to know better, I know who I am, and I don't need to have sex with a guy younger than me to validate my feminine prowess. Period.Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. You can get laid anywhere. Go do that. Do not have sex with your daughter's friend... and STOP calling him your 'friend', it is ridiculous.Be a mother. Get laid somewhere else and for God's sake grow up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): Kessi, i m sorry that u have terrible experiences with guys that betrayed you and laughed at you. I think i was more lucky than that and cant project all the "horrors" you project.I really dont get what in your mind i did wrong. I never went on a date with him, i had coffee with him in my daughter's house only because he stoped by and i was being polite. If you came to my house in a morning i would offer you a coffee also.I never flirted with a guy in any way in front of my child, we hardly talked. I said 'no' when he asked me out.I posted this post to get opinions not some angry and dramatic outbursts.Forgive me for liking him, this i cant help, and yes i do think that my daughter is overreacting.I burried my mother not that long ago. my Mom was a single mom without any husband around. She was single since the age of 25 with a small child on her hands, When i was a teenager i was very jealous of her very few guy friends and gave them sometimes a hard time. Now i wish i could take it back, only to see her happy.My daughter's friend is very persistence i have to give him that. He also thinks that my daughter is overreacting. There is no criminal intent in his action. He doesnt want her to know only because he doesnt want to hurt her. We dont have to tell everything to our children, so they dont have to tell us everything. Some of the things kids do these days i prefer not to know. I understand that its embarassing for my daughter only because sex is in the air. And we all know we dont want to think of our parents having sex, its embarassing.I will talk to my child about all this, and how i now feel about my moms private life when she was alive.But there is no need to dramatize and suspect the worst in this guy, really. The last thing i want to do is to create a war.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): Maybe your daughter knows something about this guy that you don't know, and she doesn't want to talk about with you.
Which would be a good reason to tell him "no", even not knowing.
Maybe he's had your daughter and is working on having you...and she doesn't want anyone to know about this part of their relationship.
Maybe he's thinking, I'd don't her daughter, I'd like to do her, and add that to my list of conquests...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): To be honest i don't think this guy wants a relationship it just sounds like he's sexually attracted to you. Also, it's not setting a very good example by sleeping with your daughters friends. You've already said your daughter was pissed off about the idea so you know she wouldn't be happy. Also, young guys who go after older women usually just want to act out some fantasy especially when it's a friends mother!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Quiet echo, you really need to think how to choose your words carefully when you trying to give someone a kind advice.
Thanks, QueenKatie, it was a very helpfull advice. I will talk to her about this very carefully and calmly. Ussualy she is a very reasonable young woman, i was a little surprised that she reacted so strongly to this situation. Ussualy she takes everything with a great deal of humor, but not this time.
I m prepared if this ever happens, it wont last, considering that we dont even live in one state. I dont even want to think that far and have expectations. You right i dont have problem getting men's attention, but the older i get the more carefull i get who to date.
Plus i don't really come across these many men that i really like and want to be with. This young man moved me in a way that no man did for years. This romantizm and passion wasnt part of my life for quite a bit now.
As far as long time goals with children: i ll be 43, i think i m past child bearing age, and he said that he deffinitely want children. This is why when i was mentioning age as far as being together for a long time it is probably not a possibility.
I will talk to my daughter, we are very close with her, and if she ll have another upset moment, i will leave this whole thing alone.Nothing even started yet. Pitty though, if you saw him, you would understand what i am saying even better. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 November 2010):
 I think the fundamental question is actually this: whose feelings matter most to you? Your daughter's or this male friend of hers?
Choose wisely, as this may affect your relationships for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, Kessi +, writes (1 November 2010):
Please for God sake don't go out with him and stop entertaining him immediately. Please spare her whatever little dignity she has left. Its enough already. He's your daughters friend and it IS her business if you go out with him. You were your own person when you didn't have your daughter, now she's a part of you no matter how old she is. You have already embarrassed and humiliated her enough. By going out with him when she's asking you not to, you'll push your daughter into a bottomless pit of degradation, despair, shame, helplessness, and hopelessness. She'll be mentally and emotionally scarred for life and your relationship with her would be as good as over. I cannot imagine being in your daughters place as I'm literally about to cry just thinking of what she must be going through. I'll sever all ties with my mom forever if she ever did that to me. I'd never see her face again.
Just the fact that he didn't stop after your daughter told him to stop tells us what kind of person he really is. If he even had one iota of respect for her and her family, he would've backed off immediately. He's neither your nor your daughters friend. His only friendship is with his dick, and in his efforts to please his 'friend', he's trampling all over your daughters respect and honour, the sanctity of your family and the beauty of a mother-daughter relationship. You say your daughter would have ignored your opinion if she had liked one of your friends? Well I don't know your daughter so I cannot comment on that but even if for example what you're saying is true, what makes you any different from her if you'll do the same thing?
And if you go out with him and hide it from your daughter, it would be the most selfish thing to do. You do this and you'll stomp all over the sanctity of the mother daughter relationship. And I can't think of a bigger betrayal. Your 'so called' friend will laugh his head off at your daughters naivety whenever he sees her. If you go behind her back and do it, that means you have totally backstabbed your daughter and that you have no regard for her honour whatsoever. Then you might as well stop calling yourself her mother. And if she ever found out (which she probably will), she'll literally die of humiliation, insult, sense of her own stupidity and betrayal by her own mother and the so called friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): First of all, this guy is nearly 30. It's hardly like he's 18 year old freshman prey to your inner cougar. He's plenty old enough to know his mind, and to make sensible decisions about his own dating.
Secondly, 29 and early-40-something isn't the hugest age gap I've ever heard of. I know several very longterm relationships with wider age gaps and an older woman - it can work! I don't think there's anything at all wrong with you dating a guy a bit younger than yourself, and no reason this couldn't stand every bit as much of a chance of working as a relationship with a man your age, provided (and this is critical) your longterm goals about children are compatible.
So the real issue here is your daughter and her feelings about this relationship. Now, while I'm far from thinking that you need her permission to do anything, it would obviously be best and nicest for everyone concerned if she gave her blessing to this experiment. I think you should approach the conversation very delicately and sensitively. Tell her that this guy has offered to take you out on a date, and that you'd really like to go. Explain that you understand that it's a bit of a strange situation for her, and that you realize that it might freak her out - and that you wanted to talk to her because you wanted to give her some time to get used to the idea. Tell her that she has grown up into a wonderful, beautiful, independent woman, and that you're really proud of her. But also explain some of the sacrifices it's taken to get there - all the times when you didn't go out on dates, because you had to babysit, all the fun you gave up to take care of her when she was sick, how difficult it's been to have any kind of longterm relationship since. Allow her to see you as something more than a mother - as a rounded human being with a desire for love and companionship with others, and a bunch of needs that can't be met by being a mother alone.
Don't press her for an immediate answer. This is likely to be a bit of a shock for her, and she might say something she'll later regret if she reacts immediately (be patient with her if she does - it's not always easy for kids to accept their parents are real people too!) Give her time for it all to sink in.
But don't make it too conditional either. You do have a right to make your own decisions. However, upsetting your family is never something to do lightly - so if she stubbornly refuses to entertain the possibility of the two of you together, back pedal and think carefully about what you're risking taking this forward. I'm not saying 'don't go for it'. I am saying 'it's easy to get carried away by a romance like this, but don't rush in if people might get hurt - tread carefully and hopefully you can negotiate the complexities of this situation!'. You sound like the type of woman who doesn't have much of a problem securing plenty of male attention - so in the unfortunate event that your daughter remains distraught about the possibility of you two dating, you need to think carefully about whether this guy is worth pursuing. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Thanks for answering repetitiveedge, but i have a clear mind, and i don't really need an advice what age man i should date.I am grown up enough to make those decisions myself. That was not what my question was about.U right there are a lot of ifs in this situation, this is why i posted this question to get peoples opinion, but just about this particular situation. And about my daughter didnt have plans for her friends to date her mother, u know what they say: if you want to make God laugh, make plans.
I really need to hear from someone without any judgment, preferably with similar experience without telling me what kind of mother i should or shouldnt be, if its possible. Thank you.
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