A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really do need your help everyone. I broke up with my first Love 7 months ago. We were going on 2 years. We had a very serious LDR and marriage was always talked about. He introduced me to his family and friends as his wife not even his girlfriend. The break up really hurt him a lot cos' he hate people asking if we are still together.When we met, he told me there were some things he was dealing with and that I should let him take care of it. I snooped and found out those things was him having many women around whom he had pretended to be with but nothing serious. Most of these women were outside the country and he chatted with them on FB. I confronted him and he promised to stop. While I can vouch that slowly by slowly the women left one by one. My heart could not take it anymore. His way of breaking up is to ^^s them off until they leave him. So there is only one stubborn little girl left. And when he traveled out of the country, I had proof that he met up with her even though he claimed they are just friends. I didnt like the fact that he could not tell these women that he is in love and will not see them anymore so to me i felt it was a little shady.During our break up, I learnt a lot about myself and kinda started to understand him as an article on newmode had stated about men who flirt with other women. We started communicating 3 months ago. He has invited me over to come and see him and promised that things will be better. However I am dragging my feet because i feel like the proper thing for him to do is to come towards me. He needs to travel here to come and see me. He tells me that he did not do anything wrong, he took care of his bad behavior and he doesn't feel like he need to apologize for not intentionally hurting me but he did somewhat acknowledge that he messed up. He also have accused me of being somewhat of a dictator in the relationship and he wants me to be more submissive. I take partial blame for this because I was the one that always took charge and make plans for how the relationship went without even realizing it.I have read relationship books that states that the woman should not initiate conversation about where things are in a relationship so I am finding it difficult to tell him what I really want him to do. He is a lil slow in this department and I don't see him figuring it out on his own. So this is my plan. I want to tell him this: "The reason why I am turning down his offer to visit is because you have accused me of being a dictator and someone who is always controlling the way things run in the relationship...I realize that this is not what I want, I want to change the dynamics of things so I am stepping back for you to take charge as you should. I feel like you may not be helping me out if you are constantly waiting for me to initiate our meetings and making plans in the relationship."What do you all think about this move. Should I help him in moving things faster and coming towards me or should I just leave him alone and let him figure it out himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing I like about this site is that people really keep it real. You know that I was in denial of the type of guy I was dealing until the site moderator and you referred to him as a "player"My original title was reworded by the site moderator who posted my post and it made me think, wow he/she really see right through this man just from my post.I can tell you knowing this really brings the light into the shade that have been blinding me for so long. I don't know what it is but I feel like I finally know why I have always felt like I was a fool doing everything all by myself. I had a player in my hands and fell for him. I still wonder how anyone pulls it off that easily with even the smartest individual.Thought I can fish them out but he really opened my eyes to something new. Players can and will do anything even as far as using their moms to bait you to think they really are serious about you.Well only God knows why it took me this long to break free from abuse of such. It's really a learning eye opener.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2012):
 There are no "magic" words to make him back of and stop trying to get you back. However, I would un-friends him on ALL social websites you share, block his number on your cellphone and e-mail address.
Obviously this guy has got good "game-talk" so it is important that you distance yourself and not talk to him.
You have to start looking at his actions and not all those "sweet" words and realize he ISN'T good BF material for you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): You know what.when I was in that situation..."come here and visit me everything will be ok.." I went there. I visited him. Was the best thing that I could do because I saw with my own eyes that he was just a PLAYER!! I cried and cried because at the first I thought how dumb I was spending my money and my time traveling to see this stupid worthless guy! And then little after that I discovered in fb that he went to see one of his "overseas girls"!! when he told me he was doing a bussines trip and I believed what he said I found out one of his best friends posted a lot of pics in partys and the beach..grr!I was furious! How I couldnt see all that before??
Do what you have to do. But let me tell you. Those man never change. If he comes with a ring for you thats different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso please tell me what exactly can I say to him to make him back off. I hate that he still calling me baby and acting like all is well. But if he is not making the proper move to interest me what should I say to him exactly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy questions to you is this, when you snooped and found all these women he was "having" a relationship with (at least that is what THEY believed) why did you stick around? Why didn't you say hell no! I don't want a guy like that!Honestly my situation is one of those saying "Never say Never" I never thought I will be one of those chicks that stuck around a man like that. I guess I have fallen for whomever I thought he was and believed he will change. Also I got intimate too early without knowing him well and asking him for a firm commitment before believing his BS. So by the time I found out I was head long over strung and wanted to make it work.I believe he has changed though and believe people change. But if he can't even try to get me back the right way, how do I know I am not setting myself up again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2012):
I think it's unwise t go back to a relationship that have such a HUGE forest of red flags......Yes, he introduced you to his family as his "wife" but honey... that doesn't MAKE you his wife or make him MORE serious about you or the relationship. But it worked for him.. Great bait to get you hooked into thinking you are the ONE. As it turns out, you are not. You were one of many.It just doesn't sound at all like a healthy relationship.The fact that he didn't TELL you in the beginning what he "needed" to sort out is a RED FLAG.The fact that he stayed in contact til you CONFRONTED him, is a RED FLAG.The fact that he was a coward and didn't tell these girls he had meet someone and whatever they had needed to end, no he was a total ass towards them hoping they would take the "hint" and not talk back to him. RED FLAG.He went to VISIT one of these chicks. RED FLAG.The list just goes on and on.I see NO redeeming qualities here as a potential mate. He's an epic failure.My questions to you is this, when you snooped and found all these women he was "having" a relationship with (at least that is what THEY believed) why did you stick around? Why didn't you say hell no! I don't want a guy like that!Do you think you can change him? Make him faithful? Make him a 1 woman man? If you do, you will spend your relationship with a nagging doubt, you will feel a need to snoop, to check up on him and that is JUST not healthy. No one should HAVE to check up on their partner to ensure that they behave. He should WANT to "behave".
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