A
female
age
30-35,
*ubblegum-Pink
writes:My parents divorced when I was small so it never bothered me much. He moved abroad so spending time with him once a month was always a treat. Since before he was with my mum, however, he has never been single. They are always long-term relationships, but it began to bother me when his marriage to my stepmum (mother to my half-brother and half-sister) began to fall apart, resulting in her attacking him with a sharp object. My stepmum was 15 years younger than my dad and since the divorce she continues to appeal for more money from him even though he had a very successful business he had built up by himself at the time they met and she didn't have a penny. Funnily enough she's never appealed for custody of the children.As soon as the divorce was in process, Dad began seeing my stepmum's even younger best friend (allegedly this began in the same month that the divorce proceedings did). She was a lovely woman, but I noticed that she would take money from my dad and he would give it to her plentifully without complaint. You see, my father is autistic and this affects his social barriers. Whereas you or I would hear alarm bells in these situations, my dad is just trying to do his best to cope as he sees fit. Again this relationship fell apart, again with the girlfriend in question ending up in prison.He now has a new girlfriend (nearly 20 years his junior) who he told me he had an affair with while he was married to my stepmum. This new woman is still married but apparently her situation is "complicated" and my dad accepts that his relationship with her must be kept secret from her husband. Yet he still considers it a serious relationship. There is no anticipation of this girlfriend leaving her husband any time soon.Aside from worrying about my dad, what upsets me is the upheavel this string of women is causing to my little brother and sister who are now 8 and 9 years old. They have been through a hell of a lot in their lives and their only constant female role model is myself, and I simply cannot be there all the time as they live abroad. I love them so much.It would not be my mum's place to speak to my dad as they haven't seen each other in years but have an amicable albeit distant friendship - e.g. my mum emailed him after my stepmum attacked him to say how sorry she was etc. Whenever my dad's sister or mother have tried to address their concerns it ends up causing a rift in the family and they don't speak for months, years sometimes. I can't afford for the same to happen to me. My dad didn't speak to his father for over 20 years and one day he got a phone call to say he'd died. I don't want to miss my brother and sister growing up and they need me as much as I need them.One friend advised me that it's not my place to say anything. One family member advised me that I might be the only person who could get away with saying something as he's scared of losing me.Any advice would be warmly appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): You have limited rights to say specific things, but not to judge, shame or ask him to change. You can address how his actions make YOU feel. Not what he's doing to you. Your feelings are yours... his right to enter into relationships as he sees fit is HIS BUSINESS.
Talk to him so that he knows why you may react in certain ways...
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