A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Well, this post is about “failure to leave and cleave”. Until six months ago I had no idea all the writing on this topic. The bible, a few books, and reading lots of internet posts later I kinda get it.Here is the situation. First of all this has nothing to do with petty things like: dishes in the sink, who takes out the trash, who does the laundry, who cleans, who buys the grocery’s, who pays the bills, we have that all figured out “no problems”.We have been married for five years and are in our late late thirties. The year we dated and the first two years of marriage were a cake walk. Candle light dinners and breakfast in bed almost every weekend.The only time we fight is a about her family. I knew her for six months when she worked for her brother and frankly I would not entertain the thought of a serious relationship. She quit her job with her brother and co-managed a restaurant with her girl friend, that is when we started the relation ship. Like I said above, the first three years were great. Then her older brother had some money embezzled from his business by the book keeper. First person he called was my wife, her brother wanted her to “just come around part time”. I vigorously opposed this BUT I told my wife that family is family and I would support her, but I was totally against her working for her brother.Three years later my wife is the “go to” person for the company, now smokes a pack + a day and works more than forty hours a week. When her brother asked her to go from part time to full time I SAID NO WAY, NO HOW, NO NO NO.My wife’s father died when she was 8, so her brother is kind of a father figure. My wife is still emotionally attached to her brother. She gets giddy like a school girl around him. What is up with that? Why would a mature woman get giddy, and I mean giddy, around her brother.??????????????????????When ever I bring up that it is not fair that the brother-in-laws wife is at home full time raising the kids and my wife is working full time against my wishes, my wife looses it she gets unstable and screams about how I should respect her brother, how great her brother is, how lucky I am to be part of her family, how good her brother is, and how this is so not all about me but how she has to be there for her brother and family. So I just drop it.Again the only time we fight is about her family, when my wife and I have been with other couples I will comment “look how so and so does it, she puts her children and family first, in front of her parents and brothers. All I get is a blank stare from my wife. Yes, counseling soon. But should I confront her brother? I know that he “pushes my wife’s buttons”. He did it to other people, I’ve seen the people and my wife even told me about it. But she can’t see how he does it to her(my wife).My brother in law is a salesman type, he did “motivational” seminars and runs a pyramid/boiler room based sales company.I’d like to confront him head on and call him out. I could let him have it with “both barrels”. I am a construction foreman and can make words cut like a razor blade. I have no problems taking on difficult people verbally and making small work of them. It’s just that I don’t want to go “nuclear”. The fall out from that could carry on for a few years.Brother in law is a “one upper” type. Always the better car, better beer, better summer vacation……..To date I have been avoiding him, giving “non answers”, laughing off insults, and avoiding avoiding avoiding.Now I have to make a move. Honestly I’d love to lay in to him good, I want to take him on soooo bad. But should I continue hold my mouth? This has been going on for years with no end insight. Should I just think of my wife’s feelings and start counseling and not say a word to B-I-L. Please let me know what YOU think, what ever you write will make a difference, so thank you stranger for your insight and time……..I just want this over with and move on. I want kids, wife at home, and work five days a week.
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male
reader, Quarterback +, writes (24 April 2010):
I was single for 18 years. My wife and I dated for seven years and married when we were 63. I have met her ex husband a number of times, unfortunately too late. My wife is only happy when she is around her younger brother, (61). At first I thought it was just a sister/brother family thing. We would go to visit at his house and listen to him brag every time we are there and she gets as giddy as they come and she stares at him continously. His wife has asked her a number of times, why she sits around, when we are visiting staring at her brother. She wouldn't even join in the conversation/s. He always made it a point to take his sister, my wife, to a place in his house where no one could see them. He has some lame excuse for doing it. This went on for three years, so I asked my wife why he only invited her and not me or some of the other family members, on her side. She told me she didn't think I would be interested in anything about the New England Patriots football team and I am a college and pro football buff. So, on our last visit, three months ago, sure enough, we hadn't been there fifteen minutes and he had to show her something in the back of the house. It's a big house. I waited five minutes, excused myself, went in the back of the house to the bedrooms and there they stood lip locked and him fondling her breast, butt and vagina. When I walked in, she became killing mad, cursed me, and he wanted to know what in the hell I was doing? I replied, I might ask you the same question, to which there was no answer. I told my wife I was leaving and if she wanted to go to be in the car in one minute. I told her family members goodbye and left. She did come home with me but not a word was spoken for 1,000 miles. I had previously spoken of this suspicion to her with her usual calling me crazy as hell, stupid SOB, and other insulting perveted remarks. so she called them. Well, as it turns out, my suspicions were totally accurate, she was caught, and now she is out of my life. If you are suspicious, check it out and sooner or later you will know for sure. If it is as you expect, and you know for sure, divorce and move on. Life is to short to waste on perverted people and marriage counselors cost like hell and do absolutely no good except take your money. Don't believe it? Ask Tiger Woods?
A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (10 March 2010):
 You sound like such a wonderful guy that any gal would feel lucky to have. Your wife has no clue. Any guy what wants "kids, wife at home and work five days a week" is a prince in my book. It is difficult to understand why your wife would choose her brother over you. There is some sort of family dynamic going on that perhaps you can get to the bottom of. Is her whole family wacky? Maybe you should lay down the law - be serious - make her choose. Don't have kids with this woman until she can make a decision otherwise you will be miserable.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 i think if you say or do something to her brother then you are going to cause something that wont favour you.. if she has a strong bond or strong manipulation over her then she will choose the more favourable.. i think you should go to counselling and tell the counselor how you feel and maybe they will be able to put it accross to your wife because obviously nothing you say makes a change.. because i dont know what sort of person your wife is from what i can see is she is very family and shes digging her head in the sand trying to make everyone happy except you maybe because she feels you will understand why maybe thats why she gets angry or perhaps she knows shes upsetting you but she feels like the piggy in the middle.. as i said the best thing might be counselling that way you can see both sides and have someone their to be able to help you both come to a compromise or something . because having it out with him might makes things worse for you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): You no what they say blood is thicker than water Your in a major spot there by the sounds of things you have tryed most things to resolve this apart from talk to the brothering law. To start hiting or verble abuse woint get you far might make you feel good and cause your wife distress and then that would be a no go Why does your wife have to work long hours you could ask him that. you yourself bring in a good wage It puzzels me when you said shes all light headed around your brother is he older than her is there something going on that she has to be that way maybe a bit of digging around to see whats really going on money could be involved Is he marrid and hows your love life do you yourself have a normal sex life all questions you need to ask
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