A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Alright. I've been very close friends with this girl since the beginning of junior year. We've always been there for one another, and she is quite patient with me and my trust issues. I had an old friend since middle school who dated my ex, lied to me, took advantage of people, etc. However, my old friend (B) and I have made peace and we're still friendly towards one another, just not best friends (Relevancy explained in the next paragraph). Anyway, lately, my friend R has been strange lately. I thought it was just my suspicion towards people, so I ignored it. However, yesterday, R, B, another friend, and I decided to go, after community service, to hang out at a smoothie shop. We were there, and I excused myself to make a phone call. I was in the bathroom stall when R, B, and the other friend, came in, oblivious to me being there. This is what I heard: B: Why does L (me) only ask me to hang out with her whenever it's convenient for her?!R: I don't know, but I'm sick of having her around.B: She's such a bitch, I think I'm just going make up an excuse to leave. R: Dude just do it. We should all leave.(They leave). I stayed in the bathroom for quite a while before leaving. I didn't mean for B to feel like that, but, in the past, whenever I HAVE tried reasoning with her, she ends up walking away. What hurt me the most was that R, the only true friend I had, said such things. I ended up leaving without explanation and called my mother. She came to pick me up, and she said that nothing is wrong with me. Part of me thinks that I've been lonely for such a long time, that me hanging out with them as more of a "desperate call" (oh, the misunderstanding if it is). Nevertheless, my question is: Should I confront R about this? I have most of my classes with her, and she really made me feel like I had a real friend. We always (at least I thought she did) stood up for one another. Should I confront her about this or should I distance myself from it? Either way, I truly want to know what R thinks of me, because I'm tired of running away. I'm also tired of being stuck in such an unnecessary hiatus. So, what do you guys think I should do? Thank you so much.L.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 May 2011):
 I am not a confronter, so I will explain why.
In my life I have seen confronters battle it out and it can get nasty, things are said, the cruelty of it all is often worse than the original hurt.
Words once said can never be taken back. These words you heard would deeply hurt anyone.
What is there to confront? To make her squirm and perhaps find she will lie to you? And claim she never said/meant it? That will fuel your distrust even more.
Yes you do deserve better friends.
But having a confrontation will end up with news of it spreading like wildfire, and the one with the most to lose will be you.
Accept that this is how your ex friends feel. They have already identified their position.
Outflank them.
Be too busy to do things with them. Greet them serenely, treat them with the utmost respect and courtesy, but be too busy to hang out with them.
It may be lonely for a while. Your lack of trust issues may require a little bit of counselling. As your trust issues may be stopping you from connecting with nicer friends.
You may even need to do some volunteerwork to help you be busy and connect with others.
Or take up a hobby that interests you.
But learn to value your true value and who you are.
Because these ex friends are not worthy of your friendship.
One of them, at least, should have stood up to these catty comments, but did not.
They, by their own actions, have forfeited the right to be your friend
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (15 May 2011):
 Dear friend,
Sorry that you had to hear such harsh words from your best friends?
Its hurtful that they talked bad things about you behind your back. I am much older than you, so I would say that their behavior is very immature, but girls your age act this way... Happened many times before and will happen again.. Its just part of growing up..
I am sure everybody in this world had been hurt by a friend, even when it was not your fault at all...
So, please don't feel something is wrong with you. Don't feel that you have done something wrong to them. Your mother is always right and she right this time too! :-)
What the future might bring, we never know, however, do what you want to do. If you want to talk to them, ask questions, clear all the misunderstanding? Yes!! Have a talk to them..
If you decide to approach them, don't be angry, aggressive. I am sure they have their own reasons to feel this way about you, rather they're right or wrong...
Try to have a nice talk, be honest, let your feeling be known, also, let them talk and give them a chance to expaling why they feel this way? Why they're so angry at you? Etc...
Hopefully, you and your friends will be polite to each other and solve this issue, but just in case if doesn't work out? Please, don't be hurt, sad, because you haven't done anything wrong, you did all you could and remember that you are very young and many more friends will come along.. If in case, they're not truth friends, just think as a good thing... Good that you know their real feelings, its better so you can move on, move to better, bigger things!!
You want to be surround by truth friends! Think as a positive life lesson and make this experience as a positive and hopefully it will make a better, wiser, stronger person!!
Good luck!! Wish you the best!!
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