A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend over 2 years and we are completely in love. He means everything to me and he's the kindest, most caring and loyal man I have ever been with. We argue like most couples and one argument we had while I was visiting my home town, I had too much wine which meant that I over reacted and got very upset. I was speaking to an ex and thought it would be a good idea in my drunk upset state to hang out. Me and the ex ended up having sex but I stopped it pretty much straight away and went home. I feel so guilty. He doesn't deserve something like this and I don't know why I let it happen. I hate myself for doing this to him because it isn't like me. I would never risk our relationship like this and I feel stupid for not thinking while drunk. I don't to lose my man but if I tell him I will. He's my rock and I love him dearly. I don't want to lose him but I feel horrible for doing this to him. I know he has a right to know and I hate lying but I know I will never do anything to hurt him like this again. I'm going to cut down on my drinking and be the best girlfriend I could ever be. Should I be honest and tell him or should I keep it quiet?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2015): My GF cheated on me a couple years ago in a similar incident. She felt awful about it. Terrible. She was barely eating for a week afterward. I do understand how she ended up in that position. My inattention was a factor but it had more to do with her old bad habits that she had been trying to un-learn since we got together. Its not my fault but I do try to understand & forgive her for the cheating.
But we aren't together anymore because she lied to me about it for over a year. I would have probably stayed with her if she had told me the truth and let me make my own choice. She only cheated once but she lied to me every day from then on. The lying was much worse in my book.
She lied "to protect me?" That is bullshit. She lied to avoid responsibility for her actions.
She punished herself by taking all the guilt? Bullshit. After you tell the truth there is still plenty of cheating guilt left over. There is no risk of running low on it.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 November 2015):
 Its one of those situations where you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Either way, I'm sorry to break it to you, but your relationship is over.
If you do tell him, he'll either almost certainly break up with you or less likely, forgive you and move on. However, it's one thing to forgive and its another thing to forget. Your actions will continue to haunt him, the trust will be gone and your relationship wont be what it once was.
If you don't tell him, you're withholding information from him which he deserves to know. Why? Because this incident wasn't a part of your past when your Bf wasn't a part of your life. If he cheated on you, you would want to know as well, its only fair!
There is obviously something missing from your relationship and in your commitment towards your boyfriend because even though you try vehemently to defend your relationship, something's not right. Also, you say that your boyfriend is the kindest, most caring and loyal man you have ever been with. If that's really the case then he doesn't deserve you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but its true. He deserves someone who loves him unconditionally and is loyal to him; not someone who drinks and has sex with an ex just because of an argument.
I just want to add something here. I know most people will blame you for this and yes, you are entirely at fault. However, we're all human, we slip, we fail and we fall. You faltered too. So do many others. Learn from this mistake and don't ever do this again, irrespective of who you're with. If you're not happy in a relationship, then communicate. If you're still not happy then leave. But don't ever cheat. Ok? Not only does it not solve anything, it makes things a billion times worse than they are. And stay away from alcohol, its not a good thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2015): None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself this one time. Don't be so hard on yourself with this terrible error in behaviour. This could could be the making of you and your relationship. Take time out and clear your head. You deserve a second chance here. Why? Because you express complete remorse. Thats the fundamental difference here. Give yourself the opportunity to put this behind you and move on. You sound like a decent person so learn from this and don't look back now. It will be ok.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 November 2015):
 If you loved you current BF so much, I think, you would have never met up with your ex in the first place. Your claim that you had sex with your ex because of alcohol is something all cheating women say in order to, in their own mind, remain morally pure when they know they are not. Cheating men cannot get an erection after so much alcohol so they have no power over such claim, so they claim how they are supposedly unloved and other stories.
Anywho... I am not your conscience to determine if you should tell your current BF what happened. Those who would tell you "don't say a word" are silent in public because they will get rimmed by the crowd while those who say that you should tell are very vocal and have the morality to back them up while fully cognizant that there is no chance that your relationship can grow if you tell the truth, even though they say that.
I think that, whether you tell your current BF or not, your relationship with him has been tarnished badly and, while you could postpone its doom by not telling him now, what you did would eventually resurface, one way or another, later. Basically, I see no future for you with him, telling him or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2015): As always, the remorse comes after going out of your way to cheat. You declare how much you love him etc, etc. It didn't dissuade you from cheating on him, and drunk is no excuse.
If you value what you have, even in the most drunken state you know the boundaries. You don't call exes, and you don't go out carousing with other men when you're in a committed relationship.
If you don't tell him, you'll live a lie, and your conscience will nag at you the whole time. If you do tell him, he will be hurt. It would be up to him to decide whether remaining with someone who uses alcohol as an excuse to go out and cheat is worth continuing the relationship. Prepare, because even if he stays; he will punish you. Perhaps in passive aggressive ways, but he will because it's human nature.
The time to be the best girlfriend ever, was before cheating. What you are wanting is dismissal of your deed and to move on like it never happened. Now there is a price to pay, and you have to rebuild trust between you. That will not be an easy task. You have to tell him so the truth will not come from any other source but you. Then, if he does decide to forgive you; it will be based on your honesty and integrity. Including the fact you are very sorry for what you did to damage your relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2015): No, no, no. A thousand times no. No, do not tell your boyfriend. Are you hurt because of what you did? No. Is your boyfriend hurt? No. Is it going to hurt your relationship? These are the important questions. It is only going to be a problem in your relationship if you continue to feel guilty. It’s not as if you didn’t have a history with your ex. You didn’t screw just anyone. You can see now it was not appropriate. Take it as a learning experience. Take the advice of other posters here and ask yourself really deep down why you did it. Don’t lie to yourself – truly examine why you did it and learn from your experience. And then take appropriate action if necessary, which is not necessarily to tell him.You are not married to your boyfriend. I do not think it is his “right” to know everything that you do. Does he feel guilty and tell you if he fantasizes about some nubile young maiden while he masturbates? Probably not. Do you consider that he is lying? Probably not. Yes, you went a little further than that, but the key for you is to stop feeling guilty, truly learn from your actions, and act with a clear mind in the future. I hope that you can do it.
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A
female
reader, Blod  +, writes (1 November 2015):
 Personally, I think that if your relationship with your boyfriend has any chance of surviving then you have to tell him the truth. He may not be able to forgive you, but is the alternative really much better?
You will feel guilty for as long as your boyfriend doesn’t know. You can try to be the best girlfriend but deep down, you will always be striving to make up for something you can’t change; and the whole time you will be thinking about how he doesn’t deserve this. The guilt will keep eating away at you.
At least by telling him, you have a chance of moving on – for you individually and as a couple. As I said, he may not be able to forgive you at once but, with time, you both may be able to find a way through. I think being honest is your only way forward.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 November 2015):
 You would think that having ups and downs mean you argue until you drink so much that you can't think straight. Really people don't do that. In healthy relationships arguments don't go over 30 minutes and they are usually resolved before having to leave the house and blow off some steam. If you feel he's your rock only upon the fear of losing him, but not before and after arguments, it's a sign that the relationship is not really working. Your ex should not be a friend to listen to your problems. He would have ulterior motives, and only pretends he's someone you can confide in. I know you would cut down on drinking but it's easy to promise to never do that again. Your boyfriend would think the right person would not have done that in the first place.
What I would do is end the relationship and start with a clean slate. Hard to do I know. He shouldn't have to live with the pain of being betrayed. If there's only one time I cheat there would be a voice in my mind saying, "this relationship is not going to work out anyway." There are debates on how cheating occurs, but my honest opinion is that if your boyfriend is the one, you wouldn't have done it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 November 2015):
 Don't you mean "he means ALMOST everything to me"?
It's ok to risk the relationship by putting yourself in a vulnerable position and then drinking too much. But, it is much to risky to be honest to your real boyfriend.
You need to get your priorities sorted out. Sounds like a fling with an ex was way too high on the list,
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2015): Yes you should tell him since it was an ex not a stranger. It should be his choice whether to continue
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A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (1 November 2015):
Maybe other posters would disagree, but I think that you ought to. I would want to know, if I were in that situation, simply because then I would be in a position to make an informed decision on whether or not I wanted to continue.If you tell him the exact circumstances that led to your fling, and also how sorry you are, then I feel that he would appreciate that. After all, there really was no reason for you to tell him of your own accord. He didn't catch you, and if not for you telling him, he would never have known.Tell him exactly as you have written it here - your regret really shows, and I am sure he will get that too.It doesn't mean that he won't be hurt, or that he would forgive you. Maybe he can't, but still, he has the right to know, and to take a decision on the future of your relationship accordingly.All the best.
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