A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I cheated on my husband in a moment of passion, I am such a bad person and regret it, what should I do?I work as a bartender and this older guy that stays after closing time as a friend (we recently have had a couple break-ins/robberies in the neighborhood of my bar) misunderstood me and one thing led to another and next thing you know I cheated.I told him how thankful I was and that I loved him (meant like a brother, no romance) which he evidentally took the wrong way.Well, I was stocking a cooler behind the bar and he came up behind me and I was squatting down and when I noticed he was behind me, I started to turn to ask him what was going on, when as soon as I turned I noticed he dropped his pants. He pressed his penis in my mouth and I was in shock I didn't say anything. Eventually I guess I figured sine it was already done, might as well finish right? I know the opposite is true, I should have ended it there, but I didn't and I completely regret that.I ended up giving him a blowjob and that was it, no sex. I told him he misunderstood me and violated our friendship and now my relationship is at risk.I am so disgusted with myself, not just the act, but putting myself in the position! Furthermore, I swallowed him, I REFUSE to swallow my husband, but him I swallowed every drop. Disgusting.What should I do? Keep it secret? Come clean and take my punishment? We have a child together.
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blow-job, cheated on my husband, swallow Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): I think you should keep quiet you regret it and know you made a mistake. You should change your ways and not be so ignorant think on what you have at home and might loose for your behavior before you act. This might end with your marriage and honestly is it worth loosing your husband for this I suggest you change your ways and loose that looser and maybe change jobs to ease your mind. Everyone makes a mistake and according to what you wrote don't see it worth risking you marriage, maybe all the punishment you need is living with the guilt. What ever you do please get tested for STD. It was a MISTAKE happened once you regret it deeply don't punish yourself further by ending your marriage.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): Tell him what you did, but don't tell him you swallowed. I think it will be damn-near impossible for him to even consider forgiving you if you tell him that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): Don't be so hard on yourself. Like I said before, we ALL make mistakes, and temptation just happened to get the upper hand, this time. All you can do is hope your husband understands that, because noone is perfect, and temptation is just that easy to fall victim to. Don't feel ashamed and label yourself. Rise above it in the future and repent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): Look, I know this is my fault, I am not trying to excuse my behavior. I am simply saying I don't know why I didn't stop it, when I knew I should have. I am not only disgusted with the actual act, but myself in general. I feel so dirty and cheap. I do love my husband, really I do. I think I was just a bit naive and opened myself up.
I am going to tell him everything, I just have to build up the courage. I am so scared he'll leave me, but he deserves to know the truth, plain and simple. He has done nothing but be a wonderful husband supporting me and I return the favor, like this? Wtf! I feel like a dirty little whore at the moment.
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A
male
reader, 25225649  +, writes (18 March 2010):
 Tell him!! You are no decent wife, You should of stood up stuck a nut on him and walked away calling the police for sexual assault.
You have pushed your limits and you deserve everything you get. being unfaithful is the worst thing you can ever do and HOW DARE YOU put your husband in this position you wernt think about him when you done this act you were thinking about what you wanted and now you have been unfaithfull you deserve everything you get..
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 March 2010):
 How sure can you be that this blow job guy will keep his mouth shut? The way I see it is you have no alternative but to tell your husband. But don't use this cockamamie story you told us, fess up with the truth when you tell your husband.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): Years ago I worked in quite a few bars, and if any guy had tried this with me, I would of stood up and brought my knee up at the same time. How you can say since it was already done, I might as well finish, you finished because you wanted too.
I don't if should tell your husband, it will have to be your call.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): You should probably get tested for any STDs that may have possibly been passed to you, but you should not tell your husband. It sounds like this was a one time mistake that you made and not an on going affair. At this point any admission you make to your husband will be more to make you feel better by getting it off your chest than out of respect for him. The deed was done, telling him won't undo it, it will just hurt him. Deal with the guilt on your own, after all, it was your mistake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): Anytime you cheat, you should come clean about it. Would you want him to do things like that behind your back and not tell you after the deed was done? It doesn't matter that you didn't have sexual intercourse. You don't just tell people who are present at a shady place like a bar (after hours, I might add) that you love them, bend over in front of them and then pretend what happened next was something to sleep off. If you do the crime, do the time. Tell your husband and own up to it. He deserves the truth, whether you want to tell him or not. We all make mistakes, even if we enjoy making them at times, but the only way to rise above those mistakes is by admitting to them. If you went until you swallowed, it's very obvious you enjoyed it, so you know your husband should know about it, even if you have to suffer the consequences.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 March 2010):
 You can say all you want about how you regretted what you did. Fact was you enjoyed what he did to you, in the moment of passion as you said. You felt desired in a naughty way. Cheating is wrong. What is done is done. Your attitude towards what you did is not helping. Most people fantasize about doing something totally taboo. Such as doing it with a policeman, rape fantasies, BDSM. It is freeing to do something out of ordinary. The attitude that marriage sex is boring, forbidden sex is fun is what drive people to cheat. It is self-defeating to exile fun sex outside of marriage, outside of your status quo. It will only become a fantasy if you refuse to do kinky things with your husband. If you tell your husband you cheated you will lose your family. He might even tell you to quit your job or lose him forever. Look at what you did as a dream and from now on swallow him. Tell him to spank your bottom, hand cuff you. You can have your punishment and reward too. As for your friend, cut ties with him, say sorry you confused him but thank him for waking you up about the possibility of spicing your sex life up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): this doesnt make sense. Was it a moment of passion, or were you misunderstood? I think you were less innocent than you are admitting. He just happened to get it in your mouth? Sorry that doest fly with me. Try again. Mal
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (18 March 2010):
The answer to what you should do depends on the kiond of relationship you want with your husband going forward.
Sexual liasons, even when they happen on the spur of the moment are NOT unimportant events in our lives. As much as we may, especially in modern america, try to marginilize the importance of sex, the entire human animal is wired to react very strongly to sexual situations.
Your husband deserves to know what happened. This event, even if you've never done anything like it before, speaks about who you are, and how you view your relationship. That's not necessarily a bad thing! It very well may tell you, for example, that your relationship is too important to ever risk such a thing again!
However, since this experience has influenced who you are, and taught you things about yourself, then the person whom you preport to love, honor, and cherish, keeping yourself only for him, and forsaking all others, deserves to know this about you.
If you deny him this, lie to him (omission is still a lie) then you are further breaking your vow to love and honor him. You are saying to yourself that controlling him, and manipulating his feelings to keep him where you want him is more important to you than honestly relating and sharing your life and emotional security with him. You will be showing yourself that you do not trust your own emotional well being to him, for, if he learned the truth, he would make decisions and have reactions that you do not want him to have, and so, you manipulate his perception of reality, to control whether or not he has those reactions.
This is the only reason to lie to someone - to control their perception of reality for the purpose of manipulating their reactions and decisions.
That is not love, and it is not honor, it is possession and disrespect of the highest order.
You have been exposed to the bodily fluids of a stranger whose sexual history you are unfamiliar with. What if you got a dangerous, chronic, or potentially life threatening infection? Would you strip your husband of his right to choose whether or not to expose himself to that sort of life altering event? He has the RIGHT to decide for himself, based on true information, whether or not to engage in potentially risky sexual behavior. By failing to tell him, you are further telling yourself that your control over his reactions and decisions trumps his right to decide for himself what level of risk he is willing to engage in.
If you are ok with the understanding that you do not love your husband as a person, but may love him the way you would any other possession, by all means lie to him, and cheat both him and yourself out of the true, honest, passionalt love of an equal life partner.
If, on the other hand, you value your husband as an individual, and wish to carry on with him in honest love and devotion, then you owe him this truth.
He may well decide to leave you. If you love him, then you owe him the oppertunity to make that decision for himself, a decision to which he has a right, and which you are contemplating stripping him of. There is an old cliche, that comes from an even older fable. "if you love something, you must set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours forever, if it does not, it was never meant to be to begin with".
Finally, I would leave you with this horrific idea. What if this guy you sucked off gets it into his head that your marriage is important enough to you that he can hold this over your head. What if he tries to blackmail you into more, on penalty of telling your husband. Are you one thousand percent sure he didn't have a camera-phone and take a pic or two? or maybe just a pocket audio recorder? How on earct would you ever deal with it if your husband found out about this in such a way that you are not able to control the timing, pace, and tone of the message?
Finally, this advice is, of course, assuming you and your husband have had, up until this point, something resembeling a healthy ish relationship. If he is the type to intimidate you, or become even marginally abusive, then there are bigger issues at hand then whether or not to tell him.
In both explanation, and to offer hope, you should know that I have been cheated, and it was more than just an isolated B-J. If I sound overly aggressive about this particular issue, there is a reason for that. However, you should also know that my wife and I are making it through this very painful and sordid experience, and while I certainly can't speak for your husband, I can say that there are couples, like myself and my wife, who do make it through this and more.
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