A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a completely odd situation. Along time ago I met this guy I thought was so hot. I of course flirted with him and gave him my number. He called me and we talked a lot, sometimes late into the night. And then everything just ended. He never called again and we never saw each other again. About a year later I met someone else, and we got to know each other well and ended up going out together after hitting it off really well, and really fast. I met the family, and his brother....who happened to be the guy I used to talk to a year ago. We all talked about it so my current boyfriend knew we used to talk before I met him. And we all got over it and moved on. Me and my current boyfriend moved on so fast we got real serious and even had a daughter together. But for some reason I think my boyfriends brother still has a thing for me. And it makes it harder for me to not have a thing for him too. I even started noticed that when we are all together my boyfriends Brother can not, for the life of him, make eye contact with me. Not even when his talking to me. He cannot look me in the eye at all. Its really weird. And it makes me start to become infatuated with him all over again. I love my current boyfriend, we have been through so much. But sometimes I miss the single life and want to just be my own person again. But it doesnt help when Im around guys I used to talk to who seem to still have a thing for me. Especially when its my boyfriends brother. Does my boyfriend's brother still have an attraction to me? What Should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): i think you should keep youre boyfriend i have been going with my boyfriend for 3 years and theres times i want the single life but i just remember how much i love him and wat we have been view his brother would text me but i just play along as my boyfriend knows i would never do anything to hurt him obviously his brother is joulous but thats his problem
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): I have the same problem. Well I don't have a child but my boyfriends brother and I have a chemistry that is so obvious, We have never spoken of it and usually avoid the conversation, its just "known" between us. Our commonalities are unavoidable. I do know he has feelings because he does the same thing your boyfriends brother does to you. Tells you that you shouldnt be with your boyfriend and stuff. I have never done anything with the brother, and I would never want to hurt my boyfriend but its one of the stickiest situations because you cant avoid him. Its like always there in the back of your head. The only thing I can say is I know how you feel and what kind of situation you are in and if you never have been then you cant really relate. You cant just avoid it like a random person at work who likes you, its a relation in a sense. But if I could shut off the feelings in a heartbeat I would, but its hard
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advise. I know I'm not a very, "bending" person. My boyfriend tells me that all the time. And his brother didn't "leave me" there was nothing to leave. We weren't together. He just gave up. But you're right, I shouldn't be so quick in thinking his brother has a crush on me, true. And if he did, I wouldn't act on it, but I guess it would be really amussing to me. There is no "choosing" between the two either. I just made that the title, because someone else had the title I wanted. So sorry for not making that more clear. Anyway, yes I miss the single life, and no I don't believe its all over because I have a daughter. Its over because I have a b/f. My responsibility is to her. Like I said I love my boyfriend and thats why I'm with him. Not because of we have a daughter. Although maybe a break-up between us would make him more preasent in her life(we don't live together and he hasn't seen her in weeks). But also this could just be my old habits creeping up on me again. Since I never liked the "taken" title before anyway. And we've been together for two years now...or more. Wow I've lasted this long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): What does it matter, how he looked at you? Learn to ignore it. The reason you are overly focused on this, is simply because you aren't happy in your current relationship. I will say , that usually timid looks usually means intimidation and avoidance. I think you are reading more into it. When a disillusionment phase hits a long term relationship, people tend to fantasize about other potentials. You are interested in your bf's brother, and when unhappy females, do this-they avoid the harsh reality of what they are doing. You are right, if you don't want to split this family wide open...know that he's off limits. Plain and simple. Whatever issues you have with being in a committed relationship, work this out 'away' from any or all other family members. You are dating 'his' brother and family bonds/connections run deep in many families. Try to focus on the caring and love you share with your current guy and don't give this brother's actions another thought. He is an uncle to your child..he will always play a role in your lives so just be his friend and get along with him without wondering if he's attracted to you or not. Because at the end of the day ..it just simply doesn't matter. As you have said, the possibility of bouncing from 'brother to brother' could cause a family war between two brothers. It will pit family members against each other. And not the type of legacy you want to leave your daughter to cope with, especially when she grows up.
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A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 well I hate to remind you but you got a daughte with your b/f! your not a care-free single girl anymore and ever will be again, now you have a child thats all gone. Your b/f brother LEFT YOU, he didn't want too be with you. If your not happy with your b/f then leave him but don't get with the brother, think about your daughter.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (12 December 2007):
You really both amaze and amuse me.I wish i could see you in person because it seems you are a very unbending woman who doesn't easily give in.I always ask people in relationships.Do you want things between you and your boyfriend to work? Do you love him?
Let's suppose your boyfriend's brother still has hot pants for you and wants you,what next? You are asking what you should do? Does that mean you are looking for options? Girl if you really love your dude,his brother's off limits and you would better go to your grave keeping your feelings for him a secret,which i suspect you have.In a way i wana agree with previous writers that don't be too hasty in thinking he has feelings for you.You might be disappointed if the truth was something different.Control your mind and emotions and concetrate on cementing your relationship.
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts not a matter of me liking his brother. And I don't think that he dis-likes me at all, but I'm not sure if he has a crush on me. If he disliked me then he wouldn't make it a point to talk to me at all. He would ignore me the same since I ignore him. And its not a matter of breaking up a family, although I really couldn't careless. I'm not trying to do that. I have all the confidence in the world and don't need a "relationship"/"boyfriend" to make myself feel better. I'm curious to know if there is something I should be doing about the situation. Especially if he really does still have a thing for me. And for the record, most guys are intimidated by me because I am very forward and such my own person, and thats why they give up. Which is what they should do if they can't handle my character. And is what his brother did. The last thing he said to me about it, why he was not going to pursue me anymore was because he felt I was talking with someone else on the side and only interested in playing games. Therefore not interested in being serious like he was. Which part of it was true, the serious part, I don't want marriage and I hardly want to be in a relationdship now. I've never cheated on anyone. If I say I'm with you, then I'm with you. But If we haven't established anything, then don't assume that I'm not leaving my options open. Is that such a bad thing? I have a boyfriend, and I have RESPECT for what we have. Like I said I'm not trying to cheat on him at all. Or split up some family. My issue is that his brother's timid behavior around me. And his attempts to talk to me, but not enough self-esteem to look me in the eyes. That to me is almost a turn on, and is causing me to be infatuated with him all over again, from a good 4 years ago. And there is no suspicious coincidence that I ended up with his brother, considering they look nothing alike because one is adopted.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Now you sound a bit confused. You are now saying that the brother is critisizing you and making comments about you to his brother yet you still fancy him? As I said before its the "treat em mean keep em keen" syndrome.
As for the single life, you have a baby , if you leave your boyfriend you will be on your own, its hardly the right start for a girl wanting to explore the single life.
I think its not the single life you miss but perhaps the freedom you had before you were with your current boyfriend.
If your relationship is at its end , it would be best to bring your concerns up with your boyfriend and see if you guys can work something out, he can stay in and look after your baby and you can have the odd night out with your friends - its a compromise and if he doesnt want to lose you he should be prepared to give you some freedom.
Just get his brother out of your head space. You dont need this to be influencing your decisions.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, honestly I have never looked at the situation that way. And I have not at all been the one trying to hit on him. I actually tend to ignore him. The only time we talk is when he says something to me. And thats when I started noticing that he couldn't look me in the eyes. And I guess I see that as something else. There are other reasons that make me think he has something for me. For one, he has acted like a jealous friend to his brother. He's made comments to his brother about my body type, as if to say "I'm so not attracted to her anyway because I like bigger boobs and a bigger butt." And when I first started going out with his brother, he tried to get his brother not to talk to me, by saying that he and I had wild encounters together at parties (which later he admitted it wasn't true), and say I was untrustworthy. I just felt like his two cent where coming out of no where non-stop. I'm not the type of person to spilt up a family. And I'm not looking to cheat on my boyfriend either. I love my child and she will have a home and family no matter what. But as far as my relationship, I have to feel everything for my boyfriend to be with him, and not just be with him because we have a daughter together. However I do feel disconnected from our relationship and have been for about a good couple months. What I miss is being single and independent and doing things without having to check in with someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): This guy doesn't care about you, believe me. I mean he dumped you and never called again. Not even to see if you are still alive or ok. If he cared about you he would have never stopped talking to you in the first place.
And the reason he is avoiding eye contact is not because he likes you. Let's be real. He is avoiding eye contact because he is embarrassed and if anything because he doesn't like you and is trying to avoid you. And he can probably sense that you still want him and it makes him uncomfortable. I mean you are dating his brother.
And all this kind of makes me suspicious as to how coincidental it was that you ended up with his brother. For you to start this kind of drama at these folks house is bizarre. Have some more respect.
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A
female
reader, shadytree +, writes (12 December 2007):
leave the brother alone. where do you gain the confidence from to think you have the right to ruin a family ? honestly, either enjoy what you have and stop romanticizing your single life or just dump the guy who you obviously don't like that much seeing as you keep thinking about his brother ! SHOCKING !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell honestly I have never even looked at the situation that way. And I haven't at all been the one trying to hit on him. I actually tend to ignore him. The only time we talk is when he says something to me. And thats when I noticed that he can't look me in the eyes. And I guess I see that as soemthing else. There are other reasons that make me thing he has something for me. For one, acting like a jealous friend to his brother. He's made comments to his brother about my body type, as if to say I'm so not attracted to her anyway cuz I like bigger boobs and a bigger butt. And when I first started going out with his brother, he tried to get his brother not to talk to me, by saying him and I had wild incounters together, and I was untrustworthy. I just felt like his two cent where coming out of no where non-stop. I'm not the type of person to spilt up a family. And I'm not looking to cheat on my boyfriend either. I love my child and she will have a home and family no matter what. But as far as my relationship, I have to feel everything for my boyfriend to be with him, and not just be with him because we have a daughter together. However I do feel disconnected from our relationship and have been for about a good couple months. What I miss is being single and independent and doing things without having to check in with someone else.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (12 December 2007):
Ever heard of the phrase "treat 'em mean keep 'em keen"?
I've heard guys who say this and they swear by it as a means of keeping girls interested, the type of guys who play around with girls affections, treat them poorly then lighten up a little just to get them back on track to start the cycle of meanness all over again. That way the girl keeps coming back for approval.
This is not quite the situation with you, but there are similarities. First this guy dumped you without a simple goodbye. Most girls would count their lucky stars and move on with their lives, but you have kept this rejection locked inside and now are looking for any sign of his approval of you. The fact that he is looking away when you talk to him is not a sign of infatuation it is a sign that he feels guilty for treating you poorly and he's really embarrased as his brother now has a child with you and you are going to be in his life for a long time.
So forget about pursuing things with his brother, unless of course you deliberatly want to split up a family -your's and his , but I would guess his brother doesn't want to do this so it would be you acting on your own.
What you really need to do is sort out your own life, you have a partner and a child yet you are looking to have an affair, why is this? Are you bored? Lonely? Talk to your partner and see if you can spice things up in your own life first , otherwise it might be best to end your relationship if you are going to start looking around for thrills outside your relationship.
Leave his brother alone, you are only going to cause heartbreak if you continue, imagine if his brother tells your partner that you hit on him. How humiliating that would be for you.
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