A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am in my early 40s and in a relationship with a woman for a very long time. We really get along very well and I would be happy to spend the rest of our lives together...IF it weren't for the fact that she has a health condition for a very long time already that does not seem to get better. Don't want to go into details but it doesn't seem to be curable and it affects our lives in a dramatic matter. She is mostly not able to leave the house, so our social live is nearly non-existent unless we invite people over.I'd love to have kids but for many years already we can't even have intercourse because of her condition. In general we really can't do much (no sports, no travel etc) active together but the lack of a sex-life, social life, potentially not having kids and being able to experience things together outside home are the most important issues.I have patiently waited over all these years in the hope that there might be a cure and that she'll improve but it never comes.The years go by and I'm becoming scared that at one point I'll look back and I have missed out on life and will be miserable. It's becoming harder and harder to cope.At the same time she's just such a wonderful person and if I leave she'll be nearly all alone and facing this illness by herself for potentially decades to come. This thought frightens me as she does not deserve such a fate at all. Not only that but it might be very difficult to ever find a person with whom I can be so much at ease as I am with her. I really think we'd have a nearly ideal life together if she weren't sick.I have no clue what to do, which is why I keep staying with her and watch the years go by... What would others do in this situation? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): OP, have you considered adopting?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): Thanks for all your answers.
I think I will start with the counseling first. We're together for over a decade, so one does not just throw that away, especially if it's not in the control of the partner. She'd LOVE to have this problem go away and tries whatever she can, just nothing helps.
I also put myself in her position. If it were me who is seriously ill (but not life threatening), would I not hope that my partner stays with me?
Thinking that I'd be very happy to spend the rest of my life with her were it not for this situation also is something that makes me wonder if that is then not something where it's tough luck and tough it out as she didn't do anything wrong?
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A
female
reader, Angora998 +, writes (23 July 2014):
I think it's time to put your female friend in the friend column and seek a more fulfilling companion.
Your partner should recognize the limitations that a relationship with her offers and turn around set you free.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 July 2014):
 Agoraphobia is a wierd phobia but it is real and should thus be treated. As to intercourse,well there are millions of us out here that just have had to deal with it as should you. Get a grip, take her to a 'shrink' for the phobia and use porn as your 'outlet'.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2014): What is possible sexually?Could you adopt? Considering you're getting older and, whilst you CAN have children, it may take you years to find another woman young enough to have children who wants to be with you and have children. It also wouldn't be very fair, in my opinion, to have your first child in your late 40s unless you're adopting a child who is already 5+ years old.Could you not join a support group for any of the issues you're facing? Build some friendships there, even if the group is for carers in general.Is it that your partner physically CAN'T leave the house? If she can, but it takes more effort, you could still do it and go out to places that you'll both enjoy.You need to weigh up your options and discuss with your partner the things you CAN do in your relationship (like the above). Then decide if you want to stay or go; you shouldn't sacrifice your own life, but there nay be other options if you truly love this woman.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 July 2014):
 Very often one finds people who have sacrificed their life for a quest which does not seem too much of a burden, at first. You have plenty of emotional reserves. You think positively that giving up key parts of your life will not matter. But when it does start to matter is when you have to take stock.
Because if you continue the sacrifice can become a burden. The burden can lead to resentment. Then the resentment can destroy the relationship.
To make things worse, if the person being supported starts to sense that burden is becoming too much for their able bodied support person then the person being supported can become anxious and this starts to translate as more demanding behaviour.
Soon you have an acrimonius crumbling relationship where you are (sometimes) subjected to guilt trips.
You have been very supportive.
You have given up so much.
Yet you miss out on a satisfying full sexual relationship.
You miss out on having children.
You miss out on uplifting external outings that you can attend with your partner.
And all this is starting to eat away at you.
You do not owe your partner to the extent that your life has to suffer. Things have not got better.
You have lived in hope that things would change.
Now you are realizing that time for you is running out.
It is definitely time to get some independant counselling to examine what you do really want for your life. You will need to have great strength and resolve to put yourself first.
That is very difficult if you have been used to always putting someone else first. People who do always put someone else (Other than themselves) first often find that very soon after the person they cared for dies then it is the carer who often then succumbs to serious illness.
Because ultimately always putting the needs of someone else above your needs is very draining and destructive.
Of course if you do break with your partner you can work with local support services to see what support can be put in place.
Though if you continue to support her and visit her you will still be tied to her emotionally. Then guilt will eat away at you and stop you from moving forward.
I suggest you do get that counselling.
When you are strong enough then alert the local authorities for assisting with care for people who have no family support. And keep your current partner in the loop. Explore moving out and visting once every few days, then once a week. Until you are ready to move on.
And your partner? If you love a person you want them to be happy. You want them to reach their full potential. You don't want to cramp their style. You don't want to demand ''my way or the highway'' However there is a limit. If everything done has to meet the needs of one partner while the other party has to draw the short straw, then that is not fair.
There are many loving couples who do split due to the unselfishness of the one who knows that the relationship is 90:10 in their favour. Where they have the empathy and understanding to realize that their partner deserves a 50:50 relationship. And both know that is never going to happen while they stay together.
At that point an unselfish partner may offer to set their partner free. Of course the partner getting the short straw may try to be the noble martyr, but that solves nothing.
In another 20 years you could be attending your child's 18th birthday celebration. That's not going to happen unless you start making some decisions that are in your own best interests.
I know it sounds harsh. But I have seen too many carers whose lives end up tougher, and with more bad health, than the life of the person who they once faithfully and kindly cared for, and sacrificed for.
Think what this could become?
Think about what it is that you need?
Think about what it is that you want.
And at all times do be kind to you. Become your own best friend to you.
And do not waste your time wallowing in guilt about a decision that could change your life.
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