A
female
age
51-59,
*usan in SF
writes:I am a single mom who is on disability due to my advanced rheumatoid arthritis. After some bad experiences dating several years ago, I decided to focus on my kids since dating was a hassle. Despite my R.A., I am quite attractive, and am able to excercise on the elliptical at the gym (that machine doesn't hurt my ankles like walkikng does). Anyways, 5 months ago, I started dating a wonderful man I met through a dating website. I really appreciated that fact that he, unlike a lot of past men, didn't lose interest after finding out that I was not working, and that I had R.A. He also continued to show great interest despite my sleeping with him on the 2nd date (I couldn't help it after not getting any for YEARS). About a month and a half after our first date, I asked him, "what do I need to do to transcend from what we have to being a girlfriend?" He replied that he had been in long term relationships for the last 24 or so years (13 years with his wife, and 10 years with last live in girlfriend), and that he was not looking for a long term committed relationship, didn't believe in labels, and is a bit jaded from the past relationships. He then mentioned how his teenage daughter had been through enough transitions with his breaking up with her "step-mom," and how he didn't want to put her through anymore transitions before she heads off to college in 2 years (this gave me the impression he didn't want me meeting her). He also gave me that bit about how he wasn't going to hurt me. Despite hearing this, we still dated. 2 months into our dating, I was talking to him and mentioned how my teenage daughter once told me that she wanted me to find a boyfriend so that she could finally have a dad. As soon as that came out of my mouth, I realized I should not have said that. My guy that asked how long ago my daughter said this, and I replied, "2 months ago" - about when I met him. Anyways. later while drinking at a bar, he told me that he wasn't interested i and that n being my kids' dad at all. I told him that I wasn't looking for one, and that it was only a coincidence that I met him at the same time my daughter made that comment. After reading some blogs online that offered relationship advice, I decided to still give this guy a chance, focus on having fun with him, and not pressure him into any sort of commitment just to see where this goes for a few months. Well, as time went on, I noticed this guy started to really open up with me. He really liked how he could "chill" and be himself when he's with me, unlike his past two relationships where he stated the women were always trying to have the last word and show how smart they were. He is super smart, and the last girlfriend was a college professor. Anyways, I also noticed he started to kiss me more passionately during sex. Then, to my surprise, he invited me to go to the movies with his friends, which included his daughter. He told me to bring my teenage daughter as well. So, we all went to the movies, and he let his daughter think we were just friends. After that, one time, he took me and my 7 year old son out for ice cream. After that, while my daughter was at her Saturday job, we went to a science museum that I tried to persuade him not to go to since it was extremely pricey where it would cost over $100 for admission for us 3. He then, instead, purchased an annual family membership for $249, put it in my name, and just asked me to take my son there at least 4 times during the year to make up for the cost. He didn't like how much time my son played video games, and thought he should do more museum stuff. Then, after all this, while drinking at a bar, I asked him if he was my boyfriend. He said that he was ok with me telling people he was my boyfriend, but that he wasn't into labels/titles. He gave me the impression that he wasn't going to call me his girlfriend even though it was ok for me to call him my boyfriend. I then asked, "If I am not your girlfriend, then what am I to you should anyone ask?" He answers, "I would tell them that we are very close." I don't get it. When we are out on dates, he acts caring and holds my hand. He even shares with me stuff that I know he doesn't share with anyone else, including how he is worrried about his mom's health. I offered to help out with his mom since she lives super close to me. He said he'd need to think about it and talk to her about it. I am trying my best to have him associate me with positive feelings; however, I also realize that I do not want to settle. I am thinking about telling him, in about 2 more months from now, that I want to be with someone who wants to be WITh me, and that maybe we should see other people who are more compatible with what we want. Even though I want to say this, I do absolutely love this guy. I used to blurt out "I love you" while having sex with him, but am not making a conscious effort to not say that anymore. I did ask him how he felt about me, and he said that he "had love" for me. I don't think that term is the same as saying "I love you," and I think he is avoiding any sort of commitment. He has mentioned before that he read once that men want their women to not change physically from when they first met, and women want to change their men. So, I am trying my best to not come accross as though I am trying to change him or give him an ultimatum since that usually doesn't work. At the same time, it seems as though he is loving me more through his actions as time goes on. Btw, he told me that he wants to start bringing me along when he travels across the country for his business trips, which really flattered me. What should I do regarding his lack of title for me?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 December 2014):
 Yes, 5 months is a little different. I stand by what I said about the "I love you" because to WOMEN, it's an emotional expression. To a guy, it's a commitment declaration.
I was reacting to these statements the OP made:
"About a month and a half after our first date, I asked him, "what do I need to do to transcend from what we have to being a girlfriend?""
"2 months into our dating, I was talking to him and mentioned how my teenage daughter once told me that she wanted me to find a boyfriend so that she could finally have a dad."
These are the heavy statement that would make many guys run, and at 2 months, labels are way too early. 5 months in is more of a timeframe to talk about it, but then again, her offering to help with a sick mom even at 5 months in is too soon.
Obviously he DOES believe in labels, or he wouldn't have had a 10-year relationship or a 13-year marriage. These are the opposite of people that should be pushed to label even at the 5-month mark. He's warming up, and in this case, his actions are showing that he's really caring for her.
My advice doesn't change. Don't talk about labels. This relationship isn't about "bagging the boyfriend". It's about companionship. Given his past, he's squeamish, but he's shown to be someone who DOESN'T shy away from relationships. Players and users of women don't have long term relationships like this, nor do they buy family memberships or care about your son's cultural health. If he was into "hitting and quitting", then I'd be taking him to task about labels, but he doesn't seem like the FWB type.
He said something really notable:
"He has mentioned before that he read once that men want their women to not change physically from when they first met, and women want to change their men."
I would have asked him how his exes tried to change him. See, I think he WANTS to commit, but he needs to feel safe in doing so. Pushing for a label isn't the right play here. Like I said - the only real label now is mutual exclusivity. I think he'll get it into his head that keeping the "cage door" open because he's scared of getting trapped again is a double-edged sword that keeps YOU free. Once he's comfortable, and once it hits him like a ton of bricks that the options stay open for you too (don't talk yourself down because of your RA), he's going to be "labelling" copiously.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2014): I agree with jp... if he won't say he's your bf etc. he may try to slip out of the relationship at any point, meanwhile you're putting love, effort and time and devotion into it. Definitely don't start taking care of his mom unless you have a title and a solid relationship- that is really for a wife to do. If your ra is bad enough for you to be disabled I'm not sure how you are going to be able to take care of her as well as of your children and yourself, so think carefully about doing this. You have value, don't be so grateful that he hasn't left due to your ra. There are other men who may want to be a father and who may be more compatible. Love is variable, it can be felt and expressed earlier in a relationship or later. Just be cautious, if you devote too much to this and then all of a sudden find out he meets someone else and is willing to call her his gf you will be hurt. I think everyone understands that you want to be introduced as his gf and why, it's a commitment even though bad things could happen anyway, it says he isn't afraid to make that commitment. You should feel comfortable otherwise don't stay in the relationship, move on and search for someone else who will call you his gf as well as cherish you.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 December 2014):
 The way I read it, it's been 5 months, not two (5 months ago, started to date him). Don't know if that changes your answer, YouWish?
Anyway, I think there's no time frame for when you should or shouldn't say "I love you". That's either something you feel or don't feel, not something that arises after the appropriate amount of time. Just think that needs to be pointed out, because we all work differently. For some people, feelings come faster.
But, to answer the OP's question. I advice you to think about what you want. Because you sort of sounds like you want a boyfriend, with the proper label and all. But then again you mention your daughter wanting a father figure in her life, and you mention family, and you talk about his daughter etc. What exactly do you want? I would like you to properly figure that one out BEFORE you start to think that what he's offering isn't enough. Do you want to be a step-mom to his almost adult daughter? No? Then why care so much if she knows you are her daddy's girlfriend or not. You're not being kept a secret, or hidden away, you're just not formally introduced as a girlfriend, but a friend. She knows you exist, and like all other adults she can put two and two together. That means, everyone will KNOW you are "his", in whatever way, regardless of what you officially call yourselves. So that means you do not need to worry what he will say if others ask him who you are, and you do not need to worry what to say if you are asked who he is. He will claim you as his, even though not using the word "girlfriend", and you can claim him as your boyfriend.
Labels are, in this sense, superficial and necessary. You are his, he is yours. Everyone gets that, no matter what label. The true question here is: are you exclusive? That's the one thing you need to get confirmed, because that's basically the only thing that the label "boyfriend/girlfriend" brings with it without having to discuss it. Without the label, all you need to do is ask the question.
On to the next thing: do you want a father figure in your life for your children? If yes, then he's not the one. He doesn't want to be a second dad to your children. He wants to be your boyfriend, actually, nothing more. Probably what has happened is that he associates the label "boyfriend" as something more of a "husband". He doesn't want all that extra responsibility. He has a "wife" for 10 years, in essence. She was step-mom to his daughter, they lived together... they were more than just boyfriend/girlfriend, but since they were not married they probably only used those labels. So in his head, to be a boyfriend, is to live together, share kids and be a step-dad/step-mom etc. It's just so much more than what you probably define as "boyfriend".
I think you ought to ask yourself what do you define as a "boyfriend"? What does it mean to you? Then ask him to define boyfriend. I believe you and him have very different ideas about what it means. My guess is, he adds a LOT more into that title than you do, hence his reluctance to enter that role again. But by the sound of it, he fulfills all YOUR demands for what a boyfriend should be. The only problem, it seems, is that you believe his lack of wanting to label your relationship = he doesn't want a relationship. Which isn't true, when you look at the actual facts.
" I am thinking about telling him, in about 2 more months from now, that I want to be with someone who wants to be WITh me, and that maybe we should see other people who are more compatible with what we want."
You need to properly define then, what it is you want. And then you need to ask him what it is he wants. I think that the two of you want the exact same thing, but you're getting hung up on the label, and in a way he's also hung up on the label. But this is only because you and him put very different meaning into this label. Like I said, I believe that to him "boyfriend" is more like "husband", whereas to you "boyfriend" is more like "male friend who I am intimate and exclusive with".
So to sum it up, I think you should stop worrying. He's clearly there, interested in you, wanting to be with you. Feelings will develop over time, so that's not something that needs to be rushed. As for the label, you can call him whatever you want, he said he's fine with it, and you're not a secret to anyone. Just start calling him your boyfriend, and my guess is he will grow more used to the way YOU define boyfriend, and not think that this label somehow means he needs to be a dad to your children, move in with you and pay your bills. I think that's the thing he wants to avoid, not you or a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2014): I have been seeing this man for FIVE months. Sorry for the caps, bUT I think there is a difference between 2 and 5 months. Also, I am stalling to see if he actually comes through with taking me wine tasting in Napa Valley. He found out I never did that and offered to take me. I will continue to read everyone's responses. I really appreciate your feedback. Thanks so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2014): I don't know if this sheds light to your situation but I know of a guy who doesn't do the usual things a "boyfriend" would do. Like go on "dates" or doing romantic things. He doesn't feel the need to be with his girlfriend a lot etc. etc. And he gets over his ex just like that, like a week or so. I've never met anyone like that but maybe some men are just that. Different. Even when he said all that, all the moments that we did spend together were something I would never trade for. He listened to what I have to say, we laughed and talked about the silliest things, we held hands, we hugged, we talked of our dreams and how to make it a reality. Those moments made me feel like I'm on top of the world. Seeing him fills up my whole day. It really is silly. But it's from someone like him that made me feel like I'm alive, special. If I didn't have any emotional baggage, I would have let it grow because I felt he loved me and I know for the very first time that this is what love should feel like. A silent understanding. A love that is beyond what words can't explain. A connection that only you can feel once, maybe twice in your lifetime because it just happens. There's no rhyme or reason. Maybe that's what you have. Maybe it is something real. We will never really find out unless we're ready to dive in. I wish I had met that guy at another time in my life and I would've wanted to see it through. No matter how hard it will be. Because to me, he would've been worth waiting for. But it was best to let him go, in my case. I may never find love again but I am glad I found him and will always cherish those memories.But I may be wrong. If you see him as someone that's worth waiting for, I would wait. But if you think he is playing with your emotions by stringing you along, then leave. I am bad at recognizing those but you may be better at it. One last advice: I think love will happen in your life. You just need to be ready to recognize it and welcome it. Don't settle for just being with "someone". If you see signs that makes you doubt his sincerity, dig into it and figure it out before you put yourself in a situation you will end up regretting later. Don't waste your time with a man hoping things will change either bec. as they say...You just either change or you don't. No need for pushing or cajoling someone to change because if they love you, they will just change on their own.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 December 2014):
You've been dating for two months. That's way too soon to be exchanging "I love you's", and it is a bit too soon to be pressuring for titles in a relationship. You had sex on the second date, which is your choice.
You've got to back off the whole pushing for the label thing, especially at the 2 month mark. That and the very early "I love you's" is telegraphing that you are desperate. Slow down, enjoy the progression, and relax. For a guy, saying "I love you" *is* a statement of commitment, and a desire to bring a relationship to the next level.
At the 2 month mark, you're not even close to that. At the 2 month mark, people are just now considering a sexual relationship. He has kids, you do too, and labels are sensitive things.
The "L" word should be considered more around the 6 month mark. You can't possibly know enough to love him at 2 months. What you have is infatuation and limerence (that whole butterflies feeling) plus you see yourself so much through your disability that you're relieved that he's still with you. Don't spoil it by smothering it!
Your kid talking about wanting to see you with a boyfriend is a story that can be seen as manipulation by you to push him into moving faster emotionally than he is comfortable doing.
That's just it - we caution women to put the brakes on when a guy wants to be too physical too fast, and in reality, it's just as important not to get too emotional too fast either. You already blew through the physical fastness, but don't think that physical and emotional are the same things, because they are not.
I would advise not bringing up the labels or the love thing until at least 6 months in. Back off all of that sort of talk. Think of ways to show it without saying it at all. Don't hint the label thing. Don't talk about it. Don't even introduce him as one now. Let him "get there" on his own, which it sounds like he's on his way if he hasn't run from the "too quickness" of it all.
The only title you should have now is "exclusive". When it gets sexual, it's natural to make sure that both of you aren't dating or sleeping with others. But at 2 months, labels are too seen, and love declarations are WAYYYYY too soon.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 December 2014):
 You should not let your disability cause you to settle with a guy who won't give you the full package. You should consider yourself as a prize for your ability to love and care. Just because you are not working does not mean you can't get a decent boyfriend. I don't know what your financial situation is, but I don't feel you are looking for a guy to support you.
I am a private person myself and I prefer just indulging my time with my boyfriend only. If he invites me to family functions I would go but I don't require it, or the acceptance into his family. However, being against to be put into a label means he has negative associations with relationships and paints all women in the same light. I would not feel secure in this kind of relationship because without a title, it means he can up and leave without any reason.
I also think setting a 2 month period is a good idea. You know what, a lot of men pull this "I don't believe in relationships anymore" in order to make women work hard for their love. This is evident when they felt women had taken advantage of them, and that the only way it's fair for them is to take whatever they could from women. I don't blame them for feeling this way after two failed long term relationships. You are gambling if you think, given time they can be optimistic again.
There are two possible answers to your question. You can enjoy your time together, be a free spirit and not care about what other people think. Or you realize there are plenty of fish in the sea. There are still men who believe in love and want to be fathers to your daughter.
From my experience, it is better to be single than to carefully guard my heart. When it comes to dating, it's all or nothing for me.
You've mentioned about your long sexual drought. So get as much as you can out of this guy, get satiated so next time you date you are going into it with a clearer mind which is not blinded by passion. This is what guys without title are for.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): Honestly, he sounds like a wonderful guy. But he's been very explicit since the beginning that he doesn't want to be tied down - whatever that means.
You said in your post 'I really appreciated that fact that he, unlike a lot of past men, didn't lose interest after finding out that I was not working, and that I had R.A.' meaning you've been down on your luck in finding someone who really appreciates you beyond your cicurmstances. Well, here he is.
No he's probably not going to propose anytime soon but have a think about what you really need in a man. You've lived this long without a titled relationship so you don't NEED that. You do want a companion and this is what he is offering. As long as you agree that you are exclusive I don't see the harm in carrying on as you are.
I get how you like the idea of having another father for your children but that is a huge ask of someone who is wary about commitment so I would throw that thought out the window straight way. He is primarily your partner and then someone who respects your relationship with your children and their central place in your life. If all goes well, he could develop a good friendship with them, but that's all you should expect from this man since that's what he's offering.
I would really not expect anything beyond this from him because if you do, you will drive him away. If what he's offering is not enough for you then you can leave the relationship ofcourse. But if he makes you happy - why not?
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