A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been together over 2 yrs. He's a good person but lacks maturity and impulse control in important areas, like finances. I He hid the condition of his finances til recently. He owes over $20k. He rationalizes his debt and overspends past budget. After paying bills he's in overdraft. I've discussed ways he can save money... but he doesnt seem serious. As an example, he's now receiving an extra $60 per paycheck. He took that $60 and spent $80 on exotic dancers. He's waiting til he deploys overseas in a few months to start paying debts and is is uninterested is giving up the small luxuries to get there right now. I asked what happens when he has to resume his bills when he returns to the US? No answer. I initiated a break. His lack of finances has put me into awkward situations (like he'll hide that he has no money until we have to pay. He doesnt volunteer to tell me about his finances-I have to ask. I feel like I have to pay for everything). I told him I refuse to marry until he shows me has discipline to pay his debts down. Should I break up with him entirely instead of waiting on him to fix his finances?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie- There is another reason. And he's well aware of it as well.
Regardless, he believes that love is the end all-be all solution to solve these things. Although that sounds very ideal, it's not realistic to me. There are other things besides love that make a relationship work: like trust, commitment and being on the same page.
I'm just trying to figure out how to tell him these things. I think I'm going to continue this break until I can find some peace.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2015):
 I would not tell him;" I WANT TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE!" I would tell him that you don't feel he is mature enough for the kind of relationship YOU want. That you two are a different places in life. Different books, different pages. That you wish him well. He knows you are NOT happy with it, but as I'm SURE you know by now - YOU CAN'T change another person. Change comes along when THAT person want to change themselves for THEIR own sake.
He may not like it, BUT you have to look out for yourself.
I have to say being financially responsible doesn't always come easy. I remember hubby having to counsel SO many of his privates who were DUMB enough to go buy $30-40K cars when they got back from deployments, ending up NOT being able to handle the car payments, having the car REPOSSESSED and STILL having to PAY the remainder of the loan - or.. (worse) crashing said $30-40K car and having to PAY for a car that they can't drive or sell - having to TRY and get a SECOND car loan so they have transportation to and from work. And not only that... but OWING too much money means they may not be able to PCS (move) overseas, deploy (in some cases) and it can prevent them from getting a security clearance (which many MOS requires) so it can HOLD him back career wise as well. I'm actually surprised that his Senior NCO haven't counseled him on this already. Because THAT is part of the NCO's job.
Being financially responsible doesn't MEAN a guy is a good guy. Being financially irresponsible doesn't MEAN a guy is a bad guy.
BUT a GUY who chooses to spend money on STRIPPERS over PAYING for HIS own share when going out with the GF? THAT is not a good sign. That is a GUY who takes his GF for granted.
I might be reading between the lines but I think there are more reasons then JUST his financial irresponsibility that makes you want to end it? Am I right?
And IF I am.. THAT is OK. Sometimes relationships don't last. Some times people are NOT a great match.
He is looking out for HIM - you need to look out for you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhoneypie- You're right. They're not student loans. The debt is made up of a personal loan, credit debt, and his car note I believe.
Ive mentioned the free military advice. He seemed less than enthused. I've mentioned balance transfers and cutting off the small luxuries for free/ cheaper alternatives. Still unenthused. I wanted to give him a timeframe to show me he can buckledown. But I dont want to wait. It'll take several years before his money heals. I'll be supportive but I'm wondering if I should tell him I want to see other people?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2015):
I would advice him to take advantage of the FREE financial counseling he can get through www.militaryonesource.mil or on post usually through ACS (Army Community Service).
BUT I would also consider that getting counseling (financial) is not going to make him responsible at all.
My guess is that his $20K debt is on stupid stuff, not student loans or what not.
Going out with you KNOWING THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TWO PENNIES TO RUB TOGETHER and thus "making" you pay for both of you, yet he can waste $80 on a stripper? For me that is a total no-go. That is not the kind of man I could see myself with.
I think he has a LOT of growing up to do, and I don't know if I would have the patience or desire to wait for that to happen.
Only you can decide that.
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