A
female
age
41-50,
*illy sue
writes:I am in the middle of going separate ways with my ex-partner (it is a guy)we are not together as a couple but still live in the same house until our things are sorted.We still get on well and I still care for him, but I came out as gay a while ago. Becuase of this I don't really want to date at the moment and probably being on my own is the right way.I am socialising with gay women and I met a woman about 2 months ago. We got on and had similar interests. I like her and found her cute, but was not sure if I actually fell for her. She sounded like someone who needs their own space, likes to be on their own and generally is not particularly looking for a relationship but for someone she would get on with. Basically I was not really expecting to be seeing someone when I am living with my ex- I felt my any one I would be dating could have issues with this. But I felt that it would be o.k. to make new friends. So I made my situation totally clear to her.The second time I saw her we were kind of flirty and she came to me and touched my hand and said "I like you but I think really need time" Which felt kind of weird becuase I wasn't pressuring her into dating. And then we started kissing. After that I said that we can be friends first and that kissing doesn't really mean suddenly going faster.We were meeting about once a week since then and I did enjoy her company-and I felt that we had a connection. But it was a bit weird because I would see her and feel that we connect and then the next time I would feel a bit distant from her...I don't know why.Anyway. We were seeing each other, talking and making out- she eventually invited me to her home. Then we saw each other a few more times-sometimes we would just go for a walk and we were intimate two more times. For me the problem lies in the completely mixed messages I receive from her: she says she likes to be single and doesn't want a relationship- insist on taking things slowly and then is the one who initiates things and pushes them into a relationship direction. The first time I was about to go to her house she wanted to introduce me to her parents, because she lives with them and doesn't want to treat their home like hotel. Nobel of her but it freaked me out because I was not ready for this: I said that I need time for this (it was our first time!).I don't want meaningless sex and no commitment: I can commit to being faithful etc. but on an emotional level I am just not ready for a relationship- I want to take it slowly, enjoy getting to know each other and develop a friendship which might lead to more. I thought this was the deal-but last time I was at her place, she started talking about emotions and I realised that she might feel more for me than I do for her at the moment. This made me stop in my tracks and I started to think what should I do in this situation (how to tell her without hurting her that I don't feel the same yet..?). At the end of last nights meeting (this time clothed)I made it clear that I need a bit more time and that I would feel more comfortable with being friends (?). I don't know how to deal with this- basically I like her and find her cute, but then she starts demanding a lot of physical attention and behaves pretty needy (a trait she herself despises). The evening started nice yesterday, but then she was trying to molly coddle me with constant stroking and touching and I was feeling more alienated and distanced from her. The closer she wants to feel the more distanced I become. I don't know how to deal with this: I wanted to see where this goes with her and she has led me to believe initially that she needs time, but she has sped up the process and it made me want to run for the hills.I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her (I probably already did), but I also cannot force myself to speed up the way my emotions develop.Normally I am pretty emotional and want to be close to the person I care about, but in this case she makes me feel like I am some kind of distant cold person, and I am not like that at all.At the moment I said that I would prefer to be friends with her, but I am not sure what to do. I want her as a girlfriend, but I am not ready for big emotional commitment yet. She says the same but her actions are totally opposite. Should I break it of to be fair to her?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): She's playing the dominant role. Relationship patterns of behaviour cycle, they don't change.
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