A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner of 5 years is now losing me as I can no longer deal with his best friend. Shortly after I lost my virginity to him, i found out i was not the only girl in his life, but that he was mingling with others, one of which was this best friend. At the time, I didn't know it was her so i forgave him and we moved on.. i found out a year later that it was her and i felt like a fool as in this time that had passed since the incident, i had made efforts to make this girl my friend too. Neither of them ever felt bad for what they did to me, she claims she didnt know about me and they still talk to each other like nothing ever happened. 3 years on this girl is still heavily involved in his life. she will come to his house late at night, she also planned to go to france with him for a road trip alone just after I had confided in her about the way he made me feel left out and neglected, during a break from the relationship. They didn't go because i ended up fighting for him to stay back, but the argument has since made me the psychotic possessive girlfriend. I am fed up of her trying to control him and knowing she can be alone with him in similar circumstances to when he cheated really makes me feel threatened, if i never forgave him i would not be stuck where i am now. I love him too much and we have so much planned for our future. But i can not accept this life with him if he will not let her go, and let her go of his own accord. otherwise he will resent me and i will always be the bad guy. I tried to confront, show her what everything has done to my mindset and to try and make her see im weak, to try and make her my friend again. I've realised she is not a good person, she is just concerned with this complex to be his only female companion. I want him to be angry and hate her like I do so that he can want to get rid of her but I can't. I can not let go of what happened between them if she is still around. what do i ask him to do? should I stick to my decision to break it off?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 Are you afraid to break it off with him because you know he will pick her over you and that will hurt?
yes you should break it off. and no he won't dump her for you.... you will always be second best to her in his eyes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): I'm quite suprised you have to ask to be honest. After five years, and no attempts at respecting your feelings from either party, you must realise it will NEVER change.My boyfriends best friend is female, who in the first few months of our relationship I was uncomfortable with. But having met her, hung out with her and now become separate friends with her, I realise that was foolish. One of HER best friends has slept with my boyfriend, and with no prompt from me whatsoever he has cut her out of his life, not in a malicious way or in a way that makes it awkward if we're out together and she happens to be there, but just in a way that gently lets both me and her know that I am his number one lady. That is the actions of a real man. I have also slept with someone in my friendship group, and have behaved in the same way, my boyfriend means more to me than a stupid fling years ago with someone I see on social occasions with other people, we're polite to each other and still get on, but there is no need to be overly friendly. The thought of hanging out with him by myself makes me feel a little queasy, the disrespect would be too much to bare.It sounds to me that he wants you two to be fighting this way. I would be devastated if my boyfriend didn't get on with my male friends, and do everything in my power to make the situation bearable. But at the end of the day, he is digging his heels in and it sounds like you blame her more than him, which is silly. If she really was a genuine friend to him, she would respect your relationship and that her actions aren't okay. That said, she doesn't owe you anything, she has no loyalty to you. HE should be fighting your corner and understand your feelings on the matter, and if he is that good friends with her he cant cut her out (which, to be fair he shouldnt HAVE to do that if he doesnt want to), he should be doing EVERYTHING within his power to make you see that she means NOTHING to him in that way and make you feel comfortable around her, and he should be telling her to treat you properly and not be inappropriate towards him otherwise he will ditch her. But he's not, and to be honest that tells me everything about him and what he feels about you. Look, everyone does stupid shit when they're young, but if you cant forgive and he wont adhere to your demands about ditching her (which to be honest I don't think will make you feel better about her anyway)He has not, and after all this time I'm sorry to say, I doubt her ever will.Find someone who respects you, you dont deserve this loser.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): Tell him very calmly, that he cheated on you with her, that you want her out of his and your life all together, that he is to have absolutely no contact with her ever again. Tell him, it is too hard for you, it hurts you and reminds you everytime you see her, and it is inappropriate and unacceptable for him to continue to see her, and to continue to be in a relationship with you. Tell him, you know it will be a sacrifice for him, but you just can not continue in a relationship with him, unless he is prepared to make this sacrifice. Give him 30 seconds to think about it. If he doesn't agree wholeheartedly, because YOUR feelings and YOUR relationship is more important, then walk away calmly and do not ever look back. It is a given that the 'other woman' should NEVER be in the cheating mans life ever again, if he is wanting his partner to forgive him. This is the ONLY chance I suggest you give him. I hope he falters because he sounds like a jerk to keep seeing her. That is putting salt in the wound every time he does. She is NOT your true friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): He wants his cake and to eat it too.
Dump him right now. Don't even contact him. Delete his cell number and delete him off any social media.
Better to get on with your life than being played up against another female, especially when he knows how you feel and he is not doing anything to alleviate your fears.
He does not respect you. He can't have what he doesn't respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): How does it feel to be the weakest link in the chain?
Always fighting to be number one?
How does it feel to cling to someone in desperation; because you need to prove to yourself you can win him like some prize?
All of this is going on; because you prefer to live through the drama, rather than end it like a mature and dignified lady.
You are unwillingly part of a threesome, and feel like an auxiliary girlfriend. That's what you are. You're both fighting over one dick. You're both fools over some asshole who's playing you like cheap fiddles. He gets all the benefits; while two women fight over him, like in some cheap romance novel.
You may have written DearCupid before. The story sounds very familiar.
You proclaim how fed-up you are. Well, why are you still part of the threesome? Living like a drama queen in a daytime soap opera. Whining and pining over one guy.
She likes the thrill of the fight. She gets off on the whole ordeal. He feeds on your desperation and weakness.
You live for the drama.
Nothing we can say will end this. You've put up with it for five years. Nobody goes that long unless they want to.
It will end when you've come to your senses and realize the asshole isn't worth fighting over. You're feeding his ego and turning him on, by being a part of a three-way. He makes you both compete with each other to please him. He sits back in total awe and conceit. He's the man!
YES YOU SHOULD BREAK IT OFF, AND YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE ELSE TO TELL YOU THAT!
You're hurt and torn apart. Get that trash out of your life.
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