A
female
age
36-40,
*okutenda
writes:Dated a guy for a year-lets call him Peter,he loved me and l loved him too but we couldn't get married because his relatives did not want me,they wanted his ex girlfriend.the ex girlfriend started to live with Peter's mother,the relatives went on to marry the ex girlfriend-paid lobola for her , the ex girlfriend then seduced Peter while he was drunk and fell pregnant. Peter stood by me in front of his relatives, declaring his love for me. He asked me to move in with him-l refused coz l wanted to the right thing ie get married first. The ex then moved in with him, he ws under so much pressure,she delievered a baby boy,they are now staying together but he wants me to be his second wife. I want to too,have tried moving on but cant find the right person. Can l go ahead and become the second wife?
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female
reader, nokutenda +, writes (7 April 2011):
nokutenda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u all for the advices.am going to let him go.l believe l deserve better.its just that when you love someone,many times u will not want to accept the truth and the issue that l don't have anyone else at the moment makes me settle for less,but l have heard you-am moving on
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): I have a limited knowledge of polygomous marriages. My father comes from a place where it was fairly common but was frowned upon depending on the religious circle. I'm no authority, but from what I understand, being a 2nd wife isn't really a great position to be in. Not only do you have to share your husband's affections with this ex-girlfriend, but a lot of energy is spent finding your place politically within the new household.His first wife will always come first, you will always come second. The needs of her children will take precedant over your children. This ex-girlfriend whom you don't seem to like will have some measure of authority over you and your husband will have to referee all disputes. Frankly, it sounds truly awful to me.If I were in your position, I would hold out for someone who would be willing to make me a 1st wife.Also, the idea that his ex-girlfriend seduced him while he was drunk to get pregnant is naive. He had sex with her by choice even if he was drunk...the exgirlfriend did not "seduce" him. If that is the story he's telling you, he is trying to scam you and it would be a reason NOT to trust him, let alone marry him. You seem to have a sense of dignity about what you want and what you think you deserve from a husband, I would maintain that strength and standard and not sell your dignity for a 2nd position.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (7 April 2011):
what do you mean "second wife" - is he already married to his ex girlfriend? Is it even legal in your country for a man to have more than one wife?even if it was, do you really want to be sharing him with the other woman? I think that right now you're still hurting from the rejection and are feeling that having him in any capacity is better than not having him at all. But please think about the long term - do you really believe you can be happy if you are his 'second wife' and he already has a 'first wife' and a child with her and his family's full support of that? are you setting yourself up for a life of misery if you go ahead and become the second wife? it sounds like he is either dishonest or else he is a weak man. He claims that he loves you. And yet:(a) he got his ex girlfriend pregnant(b) she moved in with him so they are now living together.Why did he not refuse his ex girlfriend? Clearly he allowed her to move in with him. Clearly he had sex with her and got her pregnant, they now have a child together. If it was pressure that put him in this situation, the pressure has now increased many times over because they are a family unit, legally and with the full support of their social circle. If it wasn't pressure that put him in this position, then it means some part of him actually wanted it and was a willing participant in all this. If so is this a good situation for you to be in, knowing that you will always be less important in his life than the other woman?either he is untrustworthy - he's not telling you the truth of what's really going on inside his mind, which makes him dangerous as a life partner - or else he's just weak and too afraid to stand up for himself and you.Either way, is this the kind of man you want to be with? It may seem like in the short term you will feel better if you become his "second wife" because you will get what you wanted. But realize that the reality is now different from what it was before. things are not the same any more, so if you marry him now (assuming it's legal if he's already married), it's not like getting back what you used to have before he got her pregnant and they got married and moved in with each other, instead the future is going to be very different from what it could have been if he hadn't done those things.How do you think you will be feeling if you did in fact become his second wife? Second wife, or second fiddle??I would suggest that you confront him honestly and ask him plainly and bluntly if he will leave his wife/ex-girlfriend and marry you. Since he claimed that he loves you, you have every right to ask him this. make your case for why you think he should do this. But if he says no - whether because of pressure to stay with her or whatever - then you can't change that and you have to ask yourself if you yourself are willing to accept the role of second wife/second fiddle. (and personally I think that in the long term it would not be good for you.)
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A
female
reader, Luv2giveadvice  +, writes (7 April 2011):
PLEASE for the love of god wake up!
You want to be SECOND choice? and live with
the fact that he will share his affections
with you and another woman? I have to wonder
where in the world this is still legal, and what
level of self esteem/respect a woman contemplating
this would have....
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