A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am 50 and have been with my BF who is 53 for a year. He has been divorced for 8 years and has had 4 serious relationships, including me, during that time. He tells me that he loves me but is hesitant to include me in his future plans, saying that it is silly to plan for the future. I want a future with him and love him with all my heart. I am starting to doubt his feelings for me and am becoming more needy in our relationship. I don't know if this is me being paranoid or stems from me being at a different level in our relationship. Any advise would be appreciated. I don't know if I should be honest with him about the way I feel. I don't want to drive him away but if he really loved me would me telling him how I feel drive him away?
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female
reader, psychologist to her friends  +, writes (6 September 2014):
I think it's good to be in tune with your feelings instead of just writing them off. If you are feeling needy, then it means you're insecure - you don't feel you can trust where the relationship is going. He's got to show you that he cares - this is much more important than telling you - so that you can feel safe about where the relationship is going.
Not including you in future plans is a worry because it's almost as though he's just living day by day. Although this is all we really can do, as a woman you want to be sure that you're not wasting your time.
I would be honest and have open communication. Tell him that you see him in your future and you want to know if you feature in his. Don't waste any more time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): I don't think he is serious about a future with you. Discuss all of this with him directly, tell him what you want and then make your decision. If it's marriage, ask if he ever plans to marry you. You will get your answer and then you know what to do.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 September 2014):
 If he tells you he doesn't love you, then you would dump him right away. He loves it when it's convenient for him but it doesn't sound like he has faith in relationships. He may think it's silly to plan for the future because you are too old for babies and relationships always end anyway. If you don't tell him what you want then you are settling for less. You can listen to those telling you to just take it easy and wait for him to come around, or you can be direct and drive him away to make room for a man who has better intentions and wants something deeper. Here a future does not just mean not breaking up. For me future plans sound like living together and blending in with families. You have the right to ask for what you want and get it. He can live his casual way all he wants. It's hard to change him but you may not be compatible.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): "He tells me that he loves me but is hesitant to include me in his future plans"
Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES (or doesn't do).
Most likely he's telling what you want to hear without making promises to which he can be held so he can continue to do what he wants, which is having sex with you on a regular, frequent and indefinite basis with no obligation or commitment required.
If he's had four relationships in eight years then I doubt very much that he ever really considered any one of them to be "serious."
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