A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a long term relationship for nearly 6 years. We live together and generally have a healthy relationship. We spend quality time together, travel a lot together and also have our own circles of friends. To the outside eye, it would seem like we have a perfect relationship, and I personally think that we do, except for one little issue .... I found that he lies to me about little things. For example, about girls texting him, and that he could not get an earlier flight (when he could but just did not want to for some reason), or that he was doing something that he was not. I can normally tell when he is lying (he is not a very good liar and I am rather intuitive), and I do not really think he is seeing someone else, or that he does not love me. I just think that he lies because he thinks it is easier than telling me the truth and to avoid certain confrontations or questions. It really bugs me when he lies and makes me really upset, yet I don't know how to talk to him about it. Sometimes, I drop subtle hints but he usually tries his best to avoid answering. I don't know what to think ... I'm really confused. Should I just ignore this issue and focus on the bigger picture, which is that we are happy together and he has his reasons for lying ... or should I be worried about the relationship?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 One of the cornerstones in a relationship is trust.
I think if he trusts you, and you trust him, and you two won't judge each other over it, you can ask him gently, lovingly and kindly why he had to lie to you about these little things. Maybe he wasn't lying at all. Just don't accuse him.
However, you need to cast aside suspicions and not judge him when he tells you the real truth.
Some people tell little white lies because its convenient. He doesn't want you to think certain things, as they aren't true, but that if you knew the truth, you'd suspect they were.
The other thing, if you know he's not cheating or flirting behind your back, would it really matter?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): I was married for 35 years and tolerated "little white lies." I later learned that there was substance to all the lies. I finally divorced him. A LIE IS A LIE. There are not levels of lying. If you have the perfect relationship, why don't you confront him directly about the lies? You mention that you "drop subtle hints." Your level of communication is questionable if you don't have that degree of comfort in talking with him. Even if you did, you would probably hear a lie. His ignoring you is indifference, not caring about your feelings. AND indifference is the opposite of real love.Are you "walking on egg shells" in this relationship? Not facing the fact that something may be majorly wrong? I say this without reservation: he is cheating on you. He had a choice in taking an earlier flight and CHOSE not to. He simply didn't want to. His first preference was to be away from you.Last, by writing this message, you yourself know intuitively that something is wrong. Maybe you just are not prepared to face it. Honestly, even when I saw my x with another woman and learned that there had been many, I couldn't accept it for several years. Success in relationships is built on trust, and you cannot trust this man.Good luck in your relationship. The reason I am sending this anonymously is because this could be the mistress/now girlfriend of my x. Their relationship is the same amount of time as yours.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Usually "white lies" are part of the bigger picture, but I am not saying that is the case here..
You do not think he is cheating, or wants to, and feel secure in his love for you.
How is that you know he gets texts from other girls? Are you invading his privacy? Why even query what flights he takes to come home?
If you think its all innocent, why do you think he suspects there may be an issue? Are you likely to debate the matter?
I have a girlfriend who I have said little white lies to. She may invite me to come out, and perhaps I am not in the mood. She'll debate me on why endlessly in an effort to make me change my mind.
Now, I will make up something to avoid the debate. It should simply be enough that I said no.
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