A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,I am with my bf about 18 months, I really love him and I can see he loves me,we plan living together etc..Everything would be ok, if he wasn´t still friends with his ex..I mean very good friends. They´ve been in one group of friends for a long time and even when he broke up with her,they managed to stay friends and they go out with the same group of people as then..I sometimes go with them but he´s from another city so I can´t be there everytime..And when I´m not there, I´m really nervous, what could happen,when they´re drinking,like the last time when she had a b-day party..They write on chat often, he even tried to get her a job at his work! Fortunately,it didn´t work out. Once she told me she is very happy that I´m with him and that he is a great guy and I should stick with him.That made me angry and I walked away from her. I just didn´t believe her a single word and I think she still loves him.I told him I find it strange, to be this close with his ex, but he says I have nothing to worry about,that the past is past and he loves only me, and that he can´t erase her from his life because they have the same friends..I don´t know what to do. Should I be jealous or get used to their relationship? thank you for the answers.
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (11 February 2013):
 My view is there should be limits on the relationship. I think it's unreasonable to ask him to never hang out with her again, but I do think you may want to ask if they could just do "day time" activities- ie. catch some lunch instead of doing things at night, while drunk, and dancing provocatively. I don't think the ex was necessarily being fake when she truly wished you the best, but it would be better if you asked your bf to put limits on your time together, out of respect for you. If he is resistant, consider whether his response is exaggerated, over the top defensive. There may still be feelings if he's being so resistant to the idea. You should be the priority here, not her.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2013):
 I too do not find it comfortable to have an ex be friends with my current partner.
Friendly yes. civil is ok ... but friends where they do things alone together... that's not cool in my opinion.
I can tell you that even if she does still love him, she is aware he does not love her and she wants him happy so she will do what needs to be done for him to be happy. That is true love... even if you love someone, if someone else makes them happy then you want them to have that person because it makes them happy.
My ex husband and I have the same friends... I spend less time with them now as it's just not comfortable for me... but I get along with him and his new wife just fine.
I got my first husband a job here at my office.... he needed a job and I knew he was good at what he did... doesn't mean I want to be with him... I just wanted him to have a job and be able to take care of himself and his wife properly.
Should you be jealous? well it's not a matter of should or should not as jealousy is one of those emotions we really can't control. It's based on self-esteem and insecurity so if you feel bad about yourself or insecure in the relationship you will feel jealous.
You've told him how you feel and he's basically said he's not going to stop being friends with her...so now it's up to you to decide if you want to stay with him or not based on this knowledge.
if the only reason he's still friends with her is to avoid rocking the boat of the social circle... as he grows and matures and his friends change she may fade away.
but if he's friends with her because he wants to be and is using that as an excuse... well then she's never going to fade away and you have to decide if you can be with him as long as he's good friends with his ex.
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A
female
reader, LunaSea  +, writes (11 February 2013):
I think that it'll be better for you and your relationship if you trust your boyfriend. If he hasn't done anything wrong or overstepped the boundary then your jealousy will ruin the relationship. I know it's hard (I've been in your situation a few times!) but this way you wouldn't be eating yourself up with jealousy and the relationship will be a much more healthy one, especially if you're this serious about each other. Perhaps even try end up befriending this ex of his so you can get a better understanding of the person she is. I've had exes which I don't have feelings for any more but we've remained quite good friends.Having said that, if there are specific things about your boyfriend's and his ex's relationship that are bothering you then you'll have to tell him about it. Not just a general 'you shouldn't be friends!!' but for example if they are talking constantly to each other, then calmly say to him that this makes you uncomfortable and hopefully he will try to make things better. Hope this helped! Chin up and stay positive :)
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (11 February 2013):
Yes i can understand the difficult situation you are in .its not going to be easy but i would accept your relationship as it is and that your boyfriend loves only you. With love there must be trust untill he gives you REASON not to trust him.GIVE IT MORE TIME and see how it goes. Best Luck Nora B.
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