A
male
age
36-40,
*rivet765
writes:My first love and I broke up two days ago.. It was probably the best breakup ever, both in bed, we cried, laughed, hugged, said jokes, etc. Very mutual and mellow. We were like two droplets of water completely identical to each other. We lasted 9 months, and were in sync for most part with our feelings. She says that she still loves me like no other as a person, and would want me to forever stay in her life, but she's no longer IN LOVE with me.. I started feeling the same way around the same time that she did, except I really WANT TO RE-FEEL what we had, seeing as how they were the best memories a guy could ask for. She's open to us getting back together if she starts feeling in love again, but not willing to push at it. But I am...We decided to stay best friends and keep hanging out, and we're going to a concert together in a few days, and at first I was fine with all of this.. But now that things are sinking in, I think it may just bring pain. Any advice on how to get over a break-up faster?I feel like a twisted knot ripped in two... Anyway, we also want to have a last intimate night on Valentine's day, and not cause of the day, but just to end things on such a note. Should I be hopeful in thinking that something might spark up in her again? Or is that night just going to torture me some more? With such a connection, does anyone believe that the passion and falling in love can return? I sure hope so, she's a girl like no other (for me that is). If we were a little older, I'd have already married her.
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male
reader, privet765 +, writes (9 February 2009):
privet765 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShould I propose a "break" instead of a break-up?? She says she can't stop crying about what happened. She begged me to remain in her life because she CAN'T imagine her life without me... Maybe it's possible that we're just young and want to experience some different things. I already went through the whole dating scene, she however had 2 serious relationships one after another, plus one sexual fling.. But never even been on a date.. So I guess maybe deep inside, that's all she's longing for, random experience of life without feeling attached.. In the meantime, I could do the same, meet people, focus on my studies, etc. And at some point, when we're both ready, we could try to fall back into our relationship? Any advice on that? I think it seems like a good plan.. I mean, she keeps saying how she wouldn't consider it settling, if she somehow ends up marrying me, just not now. It's all such a contradiction, but I guess a "break" is more what we're looking for? I don't know if she'll agree to it... since she's more like the type to roll the dices and let fate decide.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (9 February 2009):
 When a girl says that to you, at her age (presumably she's the same age as you) it is code for "I want to be single again but want to have you as a backup plan in case I get bored/dont like being single."
She is taking you for a ride I'm afraid and you are right to be worried that if you see her again and are intimate again it will cause you more pain. Because it will. You will spend the entire night knowing this is the last time you will ever get to be intimate with the girl you love.
I honestly believe that most people make a mistake when they think they are no longer "in love". I made this mistake when I was 18 and I have lived to regret it for the past 3 and half years. What acutally happens is when you are "in love" this is the honeymoon period. You are infatuated with each other, everything feels amazing and you cannot believe how happy you are. Then this eventually comes to an end and what you are left with is a real relationship. But this is what many mistake for not having feelings for each other anymore.
You will only know if you truly love someone once this honeymoon period ends and you will find out what you are left with - and this is love. You love the person rather than being in love with the relationship. Love for the person is far more important than the "in love" feeling - this is just being in love with the infatuation, the intimacy, the passion.
Love is coming to the end of that intense, passionate period and if you have become so inexplicably intertwined in each others lives that it is inconceivable for you to imagine life without each other then this is love. That feeling wont happen very often and should be grabbed with both hands. I think that this feeling of knowing you cannot imagine your life without that other person is better than passion, lust or any other crazy feeling you have when you first meet. Because you can have passion and great sex and all the fireworks with many people you meet. But you wont find many people that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Say you feel like that, that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Problem is unless she feels the same way too then there is nothing you can do.
My advice is talk to her one last time - no sex, no intimacy - just in a neutral place where you can talk heart to heart. Tell her you think it is a mistake to split up, tell her you think you should give it another go. If she doesnt agree, well then you must cut off all contact and move on I'm afraid. That will be the quickest way to get over her - never see her or speak to her again.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): This is how those on-again-off-again relationships start. This is how people gte roped into friends with benefits situations. What's happened I think is that you have both lost attraction for each other. Best friends and lovers are not the same. She is female, you are male, and the thing that will keep you attracted to each other IS NOT how alike and similar you are. Should you be hopeful something will "spark"? I dont think so. Go back to thinking what turned you on about this girl in the first place (and not in flowery soul-speak etc, but really what turned you on? Her butt? The way she laughed? Her naughty smile?) and then see if you can reignite that. Honestly though, trying too hard might be the worst thing. Maybe you could give yourselves some time out from each other and allow the sexual tension to build up, stop overthinking things etc. Best friends are not the same as lovers!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): If its meant to be she will return. but for now i would get out there and enjoy life youre so young and i know what it was like with my first love, i mean he lives round the corner from me, 10 years later i am good friends with his partner whos lovely.then i married a guy who i loved to pieces but were divorced and hes with someone els and has a kid to her and he has a child with me but as had no contact for 4 years i wish sometimes he would realise what hes done and return to me but i cant do anything about it but move on and try and piece my life togther like i said youre so young and she will return if its meant to be . but also never let a chance pass you by on telling someone how much you love them because i regret that
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