A
male
age
41-50,
*eaofsin
writes:So I recently split up with my girlfriend. Ths split was mutual..i guess.? We had been going out for over a year and a half and the realtionship was a long distance one. We were great together, everything was perfect. We would see each other every 2-3 weeks, a month away at the most. And we would never fight about everything. It was a very passionate and loving relationship. But over this last chirstmas, she flew in and everything changed in a heartbeat! All of the sudden, she was no longer in love with me and happy with me, the month before when we saw each other everything was great, and all texts and phone calls up to her arrival before chrismas were positive.When i asked why she wasnt happy, she gave me these reasons: 1. I wasnt metrosexual enough-makes no sense to me cause im a great looking guy, but i cant afford to go shopping all the time cause im trying to build a practice and pay off student loans- And there are many- i have a doctorate degree.2. Im not close enough with her father.3.She likes to travel. well i do to but i really cant afford that right now in my life-i will when my practice starts rolling.4.She is high maintenance.And she is, she loves to shop- that pretty much her favorite hobby. 5.She is used to the luxuries of life, and she doesnt want that to change.6.She is used to steak, and doesnt want to settle for a cheeseburger. I love that one.7. She said that if we start off together, we would start off in the negative because of my loans, and that most relationships break up becasue of finances.From the beginning she knew about my finances,and that things would be rough for a while, as i got established. It never bothered her. I couldnt shower her with expensive gifts, as buying plane tickets was all i could do at some times. But i showered her with love,and treated her like a queen. She loved it, and said that all she ever wanted. then all of the sudden things flipped around during christmas, and it mattered.She didnt even want to see me during christmas- but i talked to her and we decided to try to workthings out. At this point she all of the sudden bacame shy to get naked or change infront of me.I gave her space when she left,and didnt call her- she would call me. Before we would talk almost every day, but after it would be for 5 min a week. Texts would still be positive and so would conversations, but when it was time for us to be together- she would make an excuse. For example: She was to fly in for valentines day. She was doing training in ottowa and was going to stop over in my city on Vday, spend it with me and then fly back to vancouver. She was all for it. BUt then i got a call- at the time she was supposed to arrive, and said that there was an emergency at work in vancouver and they( government job) made her fly back home to work over the weekend.So now, she moved to my city- for a promotion. She called me the day she arrived and was very unhappy. And she said she was to busy to see me becasue she would be working over 15hrs a day to set up the new lab. So i couldnt see her for a week- until her dads bday party. When i finally saw her she was cold- to everything. So i wrote an email wanting answers. We broke up 2 days later.I asked if there was someone else, and she said it shouldnt matter anymore. She didnt deny it though. Its now 15 days since then.I love this girl, and i dont know what happened.I would like to be her friend, and she said she would like that too. But i dont know what was sincere anymore. The only thing i believe that she told me is that i deserve the best. I want the best for her as well. I do love her.Should i erase her out of my life, should i try to be her friend? I havent contacted her, and i dont plan on it either...for a while at least.Worst part now is that we are finally in the same city, but we cant be together.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 April 2008):
 Man, don't tell her anything. And I'm glad you're in this mood. I would suggest you get yourself a beer (or anything you like), watch a movie, and forget about her.
A
male
reader, seaofsin +, writes (1 April 2008):
seaofsin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies.
For the record, the steak/cheeseburger thing was a metaphor. But none the less.
And i do think there is another guy, i heard it through the grape vine a few days later, and he is in my city. Dont know how they met, but i guess that doesnt matter anymore.
What bothers me most is not that she met someone else- because i cannot stop that from happening. And its not that she likes nice things or is high maintenance- because some people are used to a certain lifestyle-and that is fine.
What bothers me the most is that she could not be honest with me. We both agreed from the beginning that honesty is key, and if anyone of us was unhappy- then tell the other. I love her so i would have let her go if she wanted. But she kept giving me hope that everything would be ok- even after she broke the news on christmas. She would still tell me she loves me and that she misses me, always giving me false hope, but her actions spoke differently.
Now im left with this: if she lied once, she will lie again, and she has lied before. When did the lies start- i have no idea. Was the whole relationship a lie- that what im left with. Im not sure that anything she ever said to me was sincere except that i deserve the best. I feel like i have been played, for a long time- since i did disclose everything to her. She was hiding her true self from me. i feel like i should erase her from my past- but i still love the person i fell in love with- not so much the person she actually turned out to be.
i dont know anything anymore. And i dont want her back. I havent called or made any contact, and i dont plan on. i think that if we ever meet again then i will have to let her know how she made me feel- and then we can decide if we want to be friends. But now im just trying to forget. But its hard. :(
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 April 2008):
Seaofsin,
Friendship with a girl is a wonderful thing. But, to be honest, you don't want to be her friend, but her boyfriend. I think that's understandable. You love her to bits and find it very painful to just break up and go your own way, so you want to stay near her in the hope that she will come back to you. So, let's tell it like it is: you want her back.
The bad part is that she doesn't want to go back to you. When she wanted to be with you, the distance didn't matter. Now that she's changed her mind, you could live next door to her and you would never see her. It is sad, but that is where you stand with her. Saying otherwise would be a cruel lie. Cruel, because it would give you false hope.
From what I read, I'm sorry, but your ex seems a little vain. I wonder if I should take the cheeseburger v. steak thing verbatim. I suppose she meant that she is used to a greater level of comfort than you can provide. I honestly hope she didn't mean exactly what she said: that she's into stake and you're into cheeseburger. If this was just a metaphor, well, she is saying that she won't marry you because you can't afford her. Five of the seven reasons she gave can simply be taken to mean "you don't have enough money". I wouldn't want to marry someone who just ignores my virtues just because I can't buy her love (pun deliberately, purposefully, absolutely intended). And if she meant it verbatim, then we have found someone who seems to have an absolute vacuum inside her head. And I wouldn't want to marry her, either. What? You mean you can't go to Burger King and get yourself one of those lovely cardboard crowns? Or a Happy Box? No way! Now that's a red flag if I have seen one.
You often hear complaints about men who marry these girls with exhuberant chests, sorry, "strong brain power". People usually say that these men are just as vain as these "brain powerful" girls. Well, so is this girl you're mentioning. She says you're not metrosexual enough? She won't date you because your nails are not manicured?
On top of that, she didn't deny she had someone because she does have someone. And she has had him for long. Where is that someone? We know that she does do long distance relationships. But, perhaps the man lives in your own town? She moved there, you know. And, if he's elsewhere, then she doesn't give a damn about him either. That is a red flag, and this time I'm not kidding.
I do agree with her in one thing: you deserve the best. Which is clearly not her.
Relationships end, and you don't have to think she's a monster. You two are not compatible. So, be polite, be honest, but move on. You have the means and the youth to make yourself a great life. Don't waste that away waiting for a vain princess to have the whim of looking in your direction. You deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Hi Hunny
So basicly hunny she wants a wealthy shopaholic man who takes her out for meals all the time and showers her with expensive toys and dresses to impress and does nothing but admire himself all day long...This is a shame and very shallow sweetheart the most important thing in life is love and you gave that in abundance, You have been busy doing your degree and of course with that comes student loans, Plus your trying to set up your own practice which I would have thought a girlfriend would be very proud of..I cant tell you if there is anyone else hunny but something is amiss as she new who you were the whole time you were together and now its all not good enough..I really feel for you as this must have broken your heart and as you must no you will go through a grieving period, I would wait for awhile and get strong hunny she has said some pretty strong words and it must hurt. Sort this out in your head get stronger and once you have gained that strength back you will be able to see more clearly, From what you have written she sounds very spoilt ungrateful and materialistic, So would you want to spend your time with a person like this hunny, I dont want to come across as being mean as Im not at all, From the girl you first decribed to the girl you have now decribed all these negative things she has said, it could be two different people..And my honest oppinion you shouldnt have to change who you are for anyone, The very person you are is the person who she fell inlove with..I do hope things get better for you hunny only you can decide if you wish to be friends after this, I wish you all the luck in the world TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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