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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hello, this question is a little strange...but I appreciate any advice.I've always been awkward with men, boys and even my own father at the age of 13 . I was puffy, had pimples and was nerdy. I'm of eastern European decent...Now that I'm 19 I've been told I'm very attractive, clear face long hair, 5'5 and curvy figure with a.."donk"...I'm still having trouble with confidence and being happy with the way I look. I have hostility towards men that I feel are checking me out. I've had numerous older men come up to me and ask to give me a ride or those who start talking to me, winking at me, asking me to hang out, etc. I find myself to be nice to them but feeling so disgusted inside. When I go to the gym and walk by I can tell that some of the older men turn around or start smiling at me. I know I'm not making it up because some try to talk to me. I hate it. Even the landscapers outside my house...I don't trust them either.I hate the attention, I am so hostile towards it and feel so helpless. I'm this way because I recall a 28 year old guy trying to ask me out at 17! last year with tattoos and a drug habit . I feel like all these men who look or flirt with me do it for their sick or perverted gratification and I just feel nothing but dislike for them and get very defensive. I'm ready to fight back in all honesty, as if they'll rape me. I'm not generalizing, I do have guy friends and I'm okay with them but when they start having crushes on me I brush them off and end the friendship. I do have a boyfriend and I even brushed him off at one point when I realized he liked me. Someone please correct my point of view. Should I be flattered and nothing more? I know not all men are out to victimize or use women so how do I get over this?I'm really sorry if I sound offensive ..I don't mean to offend anyone. But I've been used sexually twice by two different guys and my first bf cheated on me when I got bad acne so I'm a little traumatized I guess you can say. Am I being stupid?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (23 December 2010):
Your instincts are correct, but how you react to all of this is a choice.
I say your instincts are correct because it is both a good and a bad feeling for us when others to express their attraction. It feels good when people think of us as attractive or recognise qualities in us that they like, we all look for love and closeness in our lives and attraction plays a part. The bad feeling is that sometimes that attraction is superficial, or purely for their own sexual gratification, which redues us to an object of desire, and which stops people from seeing the human inside.
However, how we feel about it and how we react to other people is a choice. Part of your reaction has to do with your own feelings, of not being comfortable with yourself physically and your own confidence. If you don't like yourself, it makes sense that you will react with doubt, suspicion, and even hostility when other people say they like you. This is something that you can change for yourself. If you change your feelings about yourself, you will feel better about yourself which is good, and it will help you react to others in a way which feels better for you too.
Even if you do feel good about your body and like yourself, you will probably still not like it when men express their attraction to you in certain ways, and its important that you be true to yourself and true to your feelings. However, remember that your reaction is a choice. You can let them make you feel angry or depressed, or you can look at their bad behaviour as thier problem and take an attitude that even though they are behaiving badly, you don't have to.
Lastly, not all men who are attracted to you are bad guys, only after one thing. Many might be, but some might genuinely like you. It is worth learning how to best tell the difference, and give a little bit of time to find out which guys are attracted to you beyond just a physical attraction. Who knows, you might like some of them too....
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Uniquina  +, writes (23 December 2010):
 Guys are always like that. They love to go and "pick up" girls who they find themselves attracted to. Just human nature, I guess.
I'm sorry that those horrible guys did that to you in the past. Some guys are just plain jerks. But not ALL guys are like that.
Yes, you do have a right to stay on guard, especially with your past, but don't immediately assume that they are only out to hurt you. When some guys come up to you, you should indeed be flattered because they have mustered up enough courage to talk to you.
Now I'm not encouraging you to accept an invite for coffee to the next guy who asks! Gosh no! If you want to follow your instincts, think first about it to make sure your defenses are not too strong.
G'Luck & Peace!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): I understand where you are coming from. But yes, you are being foolish. Incredibly.
Given your experiences with men so far, it's understandable.
But you know, deep down, that only a small minority of men are douchebags. The rest, like myself and others, are just normal human beings.
I think you need to speak to a professional about this as your fears, founded or not, are affecting your ability to interact with others. They are making you cast judgements on those you do not even know.
This needs to be rectified now, before it gets any worse.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Unless someone else has some better explanation that I may be missing, no I don't think you are being stupid. You have been victimised by men in the past and are very weary, understandably.
I too was a ugly duckling turned swan and had alot of your same issues. It is spiteful when having experienced two sides of life (being unattractive to being attractive) you see how people can be so callous and mean when you are not attractive. And suddenly get so much attention and be treated like you are worth something once you look "good." The people who were mean to you just as the people who are now nice don't really know you. They are being nice or mean solely based on your appearance. That is very spiteful and undoubtedly gives you much reason to be weary.
It is very spiteful, used to make me angry. I always felt like people only now liked me because I was pretty, and that's it. It is sad. But you and I both realise there is so much more to a person. There are alot of superficial people out there as you see.
Just be careful and take your time. And try to follow your gut. While you can't help being attractive and it certainly will work in your favor (to some extent) in many ways, use it to be even more selective. Take your time getting to know boys. Don't rush into anything. Really get to know them. Let them get to know you. Once they have seen you, they know you, you know them, then if you feel comfortable you can move on to other things. If you want to just feel boys out and just be friends then by all means take your time. You have every reason to be weary and the guy who deserves you is the one who will go at your pace and will follow your terms. So just go with your gut and take your time. All the best.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 I think that your defenses are too high here. I'm sorry to hear that guys in the past have hurt you but not all of them will. You're a smart girl and know what type of guy you should go for. Take all the rest of the attention as a compliment but be humble with it.
To get over this you really still have to use your defenses but use them to analyze them and go from there. Don't go with your gut to say that they are bad, stop and think about it using logic instead of feeling. A new relationship has nothing to do with your past it's a fresh start.
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